Cashier was apologizing for talking to me
But that, too, was my attempt to salvage a conversation because she seemed to have been trying to back off. So that brings a question: what did I said that caused her to back off to begin with? It can't, logically, be that, since she started to back off a sentence *before* I said the above.
You put her on the spot here in bold.
Me: I am sorry I am not good at recognizing people, do you know me from somewhere
Cashier: I have seen you around campus
Me: Okay
Cashier: I am sorry I just like talking to people
Me: Do I come across like I don't want to talk?
A BETTER way to respond to her in this situation would be to smile and say something like "That's okay, I like talking to people too."
If you want to talk to people, then talk to them. In this case, she was trying to talk to you. But instead, you turned it into a confrontation. You seem to have a bad habit of wanting to argue with people. That makes people uncomfortable so it's no wonder she backed out of the conversation. You've got to learn to stop doing that.
_________________
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
Me: I am sorry I am not good at recognizing people, do you know me from somewhere
Cashier: I have seen you around campus
Me: Okay
Cashier: I am sorry I just like talking to people
Me: Do I come across like I don't want to talk?
A BETTER way to respond to her in this situation would be to smile and say something like "That's okay, I like talking to people too."
If you want to talk to people, then talk to them. In this case, she was trying to talk to you. But instead, you turned it into a confrontation. You seem to have a bad habit of wanting to argue with people. That makes people uncomfortable so it's no wonder she backed out of the conversation. You've got to learn to stop doing that.
The question is that she started to back off BEFORE I did what you quoted me doing. So it seems like she was backing off regardless. Thats why I keep asking "what did I do prior to that".
I don't actually sense that she was "backing off."
I sense that she was getting a little defensive because she felt like she was being too "forward" for speaking to you with candor.
This was definitely the time to talk about how cold it is today, or whatever. Defuse the awkwardness.
One of my "special interests" is the weather, anyway. I find that referring to how cold or hot or nice or rainy or snowy it is outside is a great way to defuse awkwardness. Even NT's sometimes feel awkward in conversations with people.
I sense that she was getting a little defensive because she felt like she was being too "forward" for speaking to you with candor.
This was definitely the time to talk about how cold it is today, or whatever. Defuse the awkwardness.
One of my "special interests" is the weather, anyway. I find that referring to how cold or hot or nice or rainy or snowy it is outside is a great way to defuse awkwardness. Even NT's sometimes feel awkward in conversations with people.
I just feel like defusing the awkwardness won't address the issue behind it -- and ignoring an issue won't make it go away.
Archmage Arcane
Velociraptor
Joined: 13 Jun 2019
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
Location: Connecticut, USA
The question is that she started to back off BEFORE I did what you quoted me doing. So it seems like she was backing off regardless. Thats why I keep asking "what did I do prior to that".
We don't know what you did - we weren't there. So you're the only one who would be able to answer this. The words you spoke only give us so much information. There's that whole delivery of the message thing.
Maybe you were acting weird - talking too loud, staring at her, making a weird face, etc.
Anyway regardless, if someone backs out of a conversation with you, the reason doesn't really matter. That's what that other person chose to do. It's not really your place to stand there and confront them. The right thing to do is to take the hint and move on.
_________________
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
My voice is naturally loud and lots of people tell me that. Yes, people do tell me that is part of the reason people aren't talking to me. But I am not sure what to do about it because it takes physical effort to make my voice lower and, obviously, I can't pay attention to this second by second as opposed to the topic of the conversation or whatever it is I am doing.
As far as staring at her, I was looking at her teeth because it seemed like something was wrong with them.
As far as weird face I am not sure. I can' think of something specifically yet "at the same time" something is probably wrong with my facial expression in general since people don't seem to talk to me.
The worst thing one can do when there is awkwardness....is to "confront" the awkwardness directly. This is especially true within conversations with people you don't know---is the cashier your good friend?
To call attention to the awkwardness...is to exacerbate the awkwardness. Sometimes, not drawing attention to something is much better than drawing attention to something.
It would have been better had you not adopted a interrogatory stance. Nobody likes to be questioned in casual settings. It would have been better to talk about the weather. Break the ice. Veer away from the awkwardness. To NOT confront it directly.
I had to learn this the "hard way." And I had to realize how I felt when someone confronted me directly.
My voice is naturally loud and lots of people tell me that. Yes, people do tell me that is part of the reason people aren't talking to me. But I am not sure what to do about it because it takes physical effort to make my voice lower and, obviously, I can't pay attention to this second by second as opposed to the topic of the conversation or whatever it is I am doing.
As far as staring at her, I was looking at her teeth because it seemed like something was wrong with them.
As far as weird face I am not sure. I can' think of something specifically yet "at the same time" something is probably wrong with my facial expression in general since people don't seem to talk to me.
Well, I don't know what to say. You have to develop some self-awareness and it's going to take work to regulate yourself. No one else can do it for you.
_________________
That which does not kill us makes us stranger.
It was a socially complicated situation.
She maybe just outgoing, or she might have been flirting a little bit.
And it IS a cash register. So both of you only have a moment to speak before she has to serve the next person in line.
And she may worry about seeming too forward, or not. Or be worried about the boss watching her take too much time on one customer. Even NTs would be awkward in that kind of situation- awkward in either side of the conversation. So I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Teach51
Veteran
Joined: 28 Jan 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,808
Location: Where angels do not fear to tread.
In these situations, people have to try to lighten up.
Not everything has to be a debate.
This. Try learning some "template" icebreakers. Smile (if you can)
Ask people something non-invasive about themselves or general things and speak softly. Do you like working here? Thanks for your help. It's cold/hot/muggy today isn't it? Tag questions are good cos it gives an opportunity for someone to reply.
_________________
My best will just have to be good enough.
Cashier: How have you been
Me: I been okay how have you been
Cashier: Okay, how have you been
Me: I been okay how have you been
(yes, we indeed repeated it twice; I don't know why she had to ask me how have you been the second time -- since I already answered -- but she did; and its not because she didn't hear me, I mean people are telling me my voice is too loud rather than too soft)
Cashier: been okay
Me: I am sorry I am not good at recognizing people, do you know me from somewhere
Cashier: I have seen you around campus
Me: Okay
Cashier: I am sorry I just like talking to people
Me: Do I come across like I don't want to talk?
Cashier: I am sorry
Me: I don't want to come across like I don't want to talk, because I do want to talk
Cashier: I am sorry
(after a minute pause)
Cashier: It is a little snow outside
Me: yeah
Well that was the end of our conversation
you can pick this up again if you want to, it's not really so awkward. probably worth going to her till again rather than avoiding her,
Many but not all Aspies are introverts. We gain our energy by being alone. When we are stressed generally we find a quiet place where we can recharge our batteries. About half the people in the world ares introverts and the other half extroverts. Extroverts gain their energy by being in a group by conversing with others. They bounce from one person to another, each time recharging their batteries. If they are under stress, they crave an atmosphere where they can interact with many people such as a party. That is how they recharge their batteries.
So if I take the cashier at her word when she said "I am sorry I just like talking to people." she may be hinting at the fact that she is an extrovert. She just enjoys talking to people. She may even have a bubbly personality.
So rather than psychoanalyze every word muttered just go with the flow. And should you find yourself in a similar situation in the future, just ask a lot of gentle questions and practice the fine art of conversation.
_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
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