Was that man gay or something?

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I read your synopsis. He sounds to me like he's recruiting people for some type of meetup group, and that's why he talks at length to everyone he encounters. He was already talking to a group of people before he spoke to you. Do you think that all those people are home thinking, "I wonder if that guy who was working on Math thinks I'm gay because that man in the restaurant talked to us?" I doubt it. Regardless he sounds like a smooth talker who would strike up conversation with any and everyone. I'm sure the restaurant owners have seen him talk at length to men and women alike. Chances are, no one is joining his group so he keeps pursuing.

My opinion is that gayness has nothing to do with it.

In your survey you don't have my choice:
He might be gay or he might not be -- and -- people might think you're gay (or not) regardless of this person.

It's not a big deal.

I guess now you know how women feel when men talk to them in public, without saying their intentions.

Like I said in the previous reply, there is a difference between TALKING and letting someone PURSUE me.

If I "happened to know" he is gay and I "talk" to him in a totally different context, that won't make me gay.

But if he tries to "pursue" me and I talk to him "while" he tries to pursue me, THAT would make me look gay.

Do you see the difference?



A. He was trying to assign some deeper meaning to my using pen as well as the area of math I was doing homework in. No, that deeper meaning had nothing to do with sexuality -- if anything, it was about arts or philosophy. But you know, when someone is desperate to impress the gender that they like, they might twist things like that.

B. The immigrants from Soviet Union he talked about just happened to be gay. So why wasn't he friends with any straight immigrants, why only gay ones? And -- as I explained -- there was no way to immigrate from Soviet Union in the 70-s due to being gay: there was an iron border. So maybe they immigrated for some other reason (namely, being Jewish) and he confused it with being gay since he wanted them to be gay since he is gay.

C. Why would he keep repeating to me that things I say are impressive. And why would he be asking me "how am I doing so far". That seems like he was trying to impress me and be impressed by me.

D. Since it is very rare for anyone -- of either gender -- to approach me in the restaurant just like that -- especially in such a persistent manner -- thats what makes me think there is some ulterior motive behind it.

E. That whole "well being society" that he started sounds a bit weird too. On the one hand, I can say "okay so he is not gay, he just starts a society". But on the other hand I keep thinking "is that society just a cover-up for a polyamorous gay thing he wants to do".



Whoever was there. There were only three or four people in the restaurant, and it was very quiet. I heard that man talk long before he started talking to me. And I wasn't even trying to listen into the conversation. It was very easy to hear every single word he was saying. And thats him with his relatively quiet voice, while my voice is loud.

Thanks for the feedback! Lets wait and see what other people respond to this.



Are you saying there are other things I do that might make me appear gay? Such as being 40 and single? Or something else (please specify)?



Thats an interesting analogy, that leads to other thoughts. If people assume I let the man pursue me, then they might think I am gay. On the other hand, if people assume a woman lets a man pursue her, they won't assume she is gay (quite the opposite in fact). What they "will" assume, instead, is that she is "easy". So are you saying that for a woman to be "easy" is as shameful as for a man to be "gay"?

Or lets even be more specific. Lets say the woman knows I am an aspie and she knows others probably know it (since I am obvious aspie). So are you saying that for a woman to be willing to date an aspie is as shameful as for a man to be gay?

That is actually something I was wondering about because I remember a couple of times women rejected me because their friends/relatives didn't/wouldn't approve. Now, if I look at the examples where I was told that, there weren't that many of them. But are you saying it applies to other situations too, they just didn't say?

There are many single straight men. Being 40 and single doesn't make you gay----or make anybody suspect you're gay.

This is not 1940 or something.....

Like Isabella said----maybe the guy was trying to recruit you for something. People who recruit people for things tend to "pursue" these people.

I have no idea. I'm just saying that if, for some reason, random strangers go about speculating about other people's sexuality (which I seriously doubt), they could make any opinion they want about anyone.

Do you go about assessing everyone's sexual orientation throughout your day? I don't.

You want to know what I think? You put yourself in too many conundrums...

Well...when Ernest Hemingway wrote the first drafts of his fiction he would always write description in long hand, but would work out the dialogue on the typewriter.

So maybe that guy thought that you were a writer who "liked the feel of pen" when doing certain parts of writing.


I admit that it is kinda odd. Maybe he is gay. Or not. If you're worried that there was some obvious unintended signal you gave off that falsely signaled you were gay- then don't worry, because its not obvious to us.

Maybe "liking the feel of a pen" is code in the gay subculture (use your imagination), and being seen using a pen in a public place might conceivably be a signal in the gay subculture. Am just speculating.

But folks who patronize the restaurant are not going "to think that you are gay" for the obvious reason that they are not going to think about you at all. you're not the center of their universe.

What Krafty said. you're overthinking everything.

I'm just pointing out that women experience this almost every day. "Gee, that man was talking to me. Does he like me? Was he trying to hit on me? Was I flirting or sending a signal? Am I safe? Is this my imagination?"

It's just life for women.

It can be "just life" for you too.

Most of the time you'll never learn the answer.

I see how this could cause confusion & embarrassment if you wanted them to not start a strange rumor about you at the restaurant; however, if he is trying to make advances he is not very good at it, and if you think he is then you will be within your rights to tell him to leave.

And it certainly doesn't make you look gay; I thought restaurants were places for conversation to occur.

I was assuming restaurants are for conversation to occur between the people that came together -- not between people that came separately.

If they are places for conversations to occur between people who came separately, how come nobody ever started conversations with me at the restaurants the way this man did, despite my coming to restaurants on nearly daily basis?

As a side note: the man's story holds just fine. In the 70s there was prison time for gay people in the Soviet Block, which was not the case in the US or Western Europe. People crossed illegally. It was difficult and very dangerous, but some were desperate enough to try it and some succeeded. (I'm talking as someone who actually met such people in Western Europe).

It doesn't matter, maybe he was gay, maybe he was bored, maybe he was friendly. If you're working in such a place and don't feel like having a long conversation you can just tell people politely something along the lines "it was nice talking to you but I have to finish my homework now".

Isabella hit the nail on the head.

He's trying to recruit you for his meditation group or whatever it is. It was a pickup line, but not the kind you were worried about.

I don't think anyone cares whether anyone's gay. It's their business. If you want to know whether someone is gay, ask them. You can preface it by telling them you're straight. If that's too direct, ask if there are any women your age in his group.

Gays had to escape the USSR/Eastern Bloc along with the other refuseniks during the Cold War, or face persecution.

I thought in the US there was too. Have you watched a movie "breaking code" about gay mathematician in the US who was in danger of prison?



Okay, this makes more sense. My mom was friends with a (straight) couple who tried to cross illegally -- not because they were doing anything they weren't supposed to, but simply because they didn't like communism. They were caught and got arrested. Basically when someone who watches the borders stopped them, they lied to him that they were just taking a walk and accidentally walked that far. He almost believed them but then -- as a final check -- he checked their pockets and found a detailed map of the border and thats where he realized they did it on purpose contrary to what they were saying.

I guess I didn't realize it was as common as you say it is. It certainly didn't cross my mind that gay people were among them. Plus that man didn't say that they were doing it illegally. But who knows.



Here is the deal though. If he is NOT gay, then talking to him would be good news: maybe I can meet other friends through him and eventually meet some women. If he IS gay, then it is bad news and I need to cut it short as soon as possible. Thats why I need to find out which one it is.

During that conversation, at first I assumed it was the former -- simply because I tend to assume everyone is straight by default -- and thats why I continued the conversation with him. But towards the end of the conversation I started thinking its the latter, and thats when I thought I made a big mistake.

When he mentioned the gay people from Soviet Union I was kinda split on what to think. So I should have probably asked him. But I was afraid that if I were to ask about gayness then people would suspect I am gay. I mean I heard that if someone tries too hard to emphasize he is straight then he might be closet gay. That was the main reason I didn't ask -- which led to all this confusion.

But then how come I heard a concept of "gay rumor". Not about me -- about people in general -- and thats why I keep thinking "how do I know there isn't one about me".



I am worried that if I say this, I might come across as closet gay, since closet gays are going out of their way to say they are straight.

Maybe THATS something I need to ask your advice on: how can I say that I am straight without casting a suspicion of being closeted gay? This would apply not just to this situation but also to few others I had past few years.



But in this case I would appear like sex-obsessed womaniser. Sure, that would rule out being gay -- but being a womanizer is bad on its own right.

That is actually another question, on a different topic. When I complain about "having no friends", I think of "female friends" but I don't actually "say" female friends in order not to look creepy. So I remember few years ago a cashier to whom I was complaining about "having no friends" introduced me to a guy -- and then I was obsessed whether or not that guy is gay or whether or not she thought I was.

I guess what I could have said is that I am interested in friends in general and female friends in particular. Would that be a good thing to say? Or would "female friends" sound creepy since its like I am lying they are friends while having ulterior motive? Should I just say straight out I want a girlfriend -- and then add that, separate from that, I would like to have friends of either gender?

In any case, I didn't complain about lack of friends to that man or to people in that restaurant. I did it at a different place on campus. The reason I brought it up is that you said I should ask them about introducing me to girls -- which I didn't know whether it was appropriate or not -- so it reminded me of that other situation.

Again, it's an antiquated notion to think gay men won't have female friends, especially if they're musicians and they recruit people to join meetup groups. If you enjoyed his company and you truly want to chat with him again, it's possible you could still meet his female friends, even if he's gay. Likewise if he's straight, he might only have male friends for some reason. Orientation doesn't determine one's entire social circle.