The 'not like other girls' culture

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It wasn't the best, but I did learn from it (although I had to unlearn the more toxic elements). Granted, I wouldn't want to go through it again. I can never relate to films with the premise of "Wow, I wish I were back in high school!"

No thanks.

I am glad I moved on from that phase. As an adult, I've embraced a more feminine style but I still like to dress more masculine sometimes and I have a mixture of feminine and masculine interests. I think that femininity and masculinity is a spectrum and that most people are closer to one side or the other but aren't at the extremes. Similar to introversion and extroversion. The realisation that I didn't have to fit solely into one or the other was quite freeing for me. I feel a bit foolish that I didn't acknowledge this sooner.

Personally, I think that one of the reasons I felt a disconnect from femininity was that it was often discussed as something directly tied to impressing boys. In certain situations where I was bullied, it was sometimes excused as "oh, well the boy just found you pretty and has a crush on you, that's why he bullies you!" ...which...ugh... please never say this. Stop. Even if it's true, it doesn't excuse his behaviour and just makes the girl feel like she's to blame.

When I did experiment with more feminine things, such as straightening my hair, I'd get called names and sexualised which was really uncomfortable. Such experiences, being called names related to prostitution (which was always painted as a negative), made me prefer baggy clothes and tying my hair up because I wanted to go under the radar and I fell into the "I'm not like other girls" rabbit hole online.

In actuality, I was like other girls. Back then, I used to think I disliked certain things when actually I just disliked how I was being treated. I remember teenage girls pulling me aside and asking me how I was going to get the attention of boys if I didn't do X, Y and Z. A part of me was tempted to reply "Good, I don't want the attention".

There was an internal conflict because there was societal pressure to want male attention and act in certain ways yet I just didn't get the big deal. So I assumed (thanks to the rabbit hole) that it was because I was just so studious and not boy-crazy like the other girls and so cool. No, past me, you're just a dense lesbian. I remember legitimately thinking that women were just objectively more attractive and that this was an unspoken truth.

Past me used to sit down and ask myself "alright, who do we have a crush on today?" and then would pick a random guy and apparently saw nothing questionable about this. The logic being that it's bad to be boy-crazy but that you've got to like a guy every once in a while. I think that I knew, but I was so in denial that I was competing in the mental gymnastics. I used to write poems supposedly from the male perspective under the guise of 'oh I'm so unique I just understand men so well, I'm not like other girls' when actually the real reason was 'I want to talk about pretty women and imagine myself in a relationship with one but I don't wanna admit that'.

Oh my goodness. I never knew the high school world could be that toxic. (Well I do, but I've never seen long written testimony like this.) It sounds like a terrible place to be. Especially for those like us. (I'm nonbinary and asexual and I certainly don't dress sexily.)

On the plus side, my mental health improved when I moved away from that backwards town and high school in general. As I entered higher education, I met more genuine people that I could comfortably be myself around and I even joined a GSA. Granted, I had a lot to work through mentally and it wasn't a completely smooth adjustment initially, but it did help a great deal. There were a few unaccepting and judgy individuals, yet on the whole it was a good environment.

High school experiences vary of course. Mine was mainly filled with being bullied and having an ongoing identity crisis on the down low. I think that it is easy for insecure teenagers to fall into such rabbit holes online when trying to find something that fits. Thankfully, it is possible to climb back out...although some are likely lost causes.

One thing that took some getting used to was not having to prove myself. I always felt like I had to prove myself in some form or another in high school, then I got to university and no one cared. People were just ... nice to me. I was so used to toxic connections and hiding things to fit in that it felt strange to be accepted in such a way outside of family. Especially compliments, I was always half expecting a "haha, just kidding, I can't believe you thought I was being genuine" afterwards. I had to unlearn that and build up my self-esteem again which had a habit of yo-yoing over the years.

Unfortunately, the experiences listed weren't the worst of it. I used to have flashbacks of certain traumatic experiences featuring violence which had particular triggers. However, I was fortunate in that after some time and adjustment the flashbacks became less and less frequent until they stopped happening completely. I still remember what happened, but I have come to terms with it and managed to move on. There is still some skittishness in my behaviour, but I have come a long way and I think that's something to be happy about.

Hopefully, the take away from this is that it's possible for others to outgrow such a 'I'm not like other girls' phase and I expect most do. It is regretful that I fell into it, but at least I got out.

I'm sorry you've had to endure such a toxic environment. I remember my TA in primary school thinking I didn't try at times despite my protests to the contrary. Nowadays I get frightened that people who offer constructive criticism think I'm not trying as hard as my NT classmates.

Yeah, I can relate somewhat in that I was often assumed to either be stupid or lazy. More often the latter. I remember a couple of counsellors that tried to change me and my parents being furious. The counsellors didn't approve of how I apparently made unusual connections, so they tried to retrain me. However, their attempts didn't work as there was a clear disconnect between how we both thought which caused some confusion. This was attempted a few times over the years by different supposed professionals.

It made me realise that people had very different ideas as to what was obvious and what was not apparent. That in order to be understood, I needed to slow down and explain myself more often. Once I started doing that, the people around me realised that I actually wasn't insane and just had a more scattered line of thought. My parents always understood me and followed my line of thinking, but the counsellors struggled to do so. The answers I gave were technically right, but the manual didn't cover what to do in that kind of situation. So I was branded as difficult.

Over the years I sometimes got help, but sometimes I didn't. I remember getting help in regards to extra time on exams but I lost this when I was later retested. Personally I suspect that I sit on the borderline of overlapping issues but I was never officially diagnosed with anything. Most think I'm NT but I've never felt like I fit into that fully. Apologies for going off topic.