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Toxic friends

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HighLlama
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17 Dec 2021, 5:04 am

angelofdarkness wrote:
seems like it at times, i realized that a former friend that I posted about a little while back was toxic. I realized this on my own time and with therapy and want nothing to do with her now how she gas lighted me and started drama with a coworker of mine and made me have to swap jobs. She comes in to my new job even, and keeps looking over at me when she don't buy anything like she's hoping i'll try to chase after her or whatever. I ignore her short of doing my job as a cashier when she comes in


That's so gross. Is it just me, or do so many people have issues with basic boundaries and respect? Adulthood often feels like babysitting to me.



HighLlama
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17 Dec 2021, 5:06 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I think one of the reasons why so many spectrumites end up in this vicious cycle of toxic friendships is because we want a friend so bad and will open up to anyone who appears to accept us. Not to mention the struggle to really notice the red flags as an early sign. Some examples

1. Noticing how these people treat or talk to others
2. Recognize how much criticism they give
3. They make back handed comments or ask personal questions
4. They're always the victim and their needs are more important
5. Are you always made to feel like you are competing with their other friends


These are very good points. Related to wanting people who accept us, I think the standards of friendship can become (unfortunately) lowered, if most people you deal with are somewhat toxic, or even just immature. I know that's something I've struggled with. Perhaps most people aren't truly toxic, but so many have little character.



blitzkrieg
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17 Dec 2021, 5:22 am

As a submissive female personality type/male in terms of my biology - I trust pure logic & weighting facts over feelings in matters of importance.

Emotions are important too, but they shouldn't take precedence over facts. Otherwise there can never be order to things if you base things on solely subjective phenomena, as opposed to empiricism.

Sometimes you can be both empirical & intuitive/subjective.

There isn't any easy category to place anything in really. Just do what works for you.



Last edited by Cornflake on 17 Dec 2021, 9:53 am, edited 1 time in total.: Removed sexist generalization

AngelL
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17 Dec 2021, 8:54 am

There are some excellent insights into the topic already, but one I haven't seen yet is this:

I was taught very early in life that the way I thought and behaved was 'wrong'. A corollary to 'AngelL is wrong' was that 'Everyone else is right'. So, when I enter into any type of relationship with anyone - whether it is with a co-worker, a romantic relationship, a classmate or peer and there is a problem, I just assume I'm wrong. That belief is both untrue and unbalanced. The truth is, I can't always be wrong - but my willingness to always accept responsibility for a misunderstanding (or whatever) is an aphrodisiac to toxic people. Emotionally healthy people are much more willing to get into relationships with people who see life as more balanced - "sometimes I'm right, sometimes you are" kind of mentality.

I'll suggest this too... I think it's human nature that even emotionally healthy people will inadvertently take advantage of someone who makes themselves a doormat.



Summer_Twilight
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17 Dec 2021, 12:13 pm

Friends are honestly really hard to find and what I like about this thread is that it gives examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships. So far, I have only had a few really good friends and what I have learned:

1. They don't judge or criticize me
2. They are always genuine
3. They are supportive
4. They accept me no matter what situation I am in



blitzkrieg
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17 Dec 2021, 4:16 pm

AngelL wrote:
There are some excellent insights into the topic already, but one I haven't seen yet is this:

I was taught very early in life that the way I thought and behaved was 'wrong'. A corollary to 'AngelL is wrong' was that 'Everyone else is right'. So, when I enter into any type of relationship with anyone - whether it is with a co-worker, a romantic relationship, a classmate or peer and there is a problem, I just assume I'm wrong. That belief is both untrue and unbalanced. The truth is, I can't always be wrong - but my willingness to always accept responsibility for a misunderstanding (or whatever) is an aphrodisiac to toxic people. Emotionally healthy people are much more willing to get into relationships with people who see life as more balanced - "sometimes I'm right, sometimes you are" kind of mentality.

I'll suggest this too... I think it's human nature that even emotionally healthy people will inadvertently take advantage of someone who makes themselves a doormat.


Honestly, I personally find accepting responsibility for a misunderstanding to sometimes be a necessary thing. If you have a bunch of haters who don't really know you & probably hate you for things that aren't even true about you, then sometimes it's better to set them straight than to endure further torment.

But yes, I agree. I didn't know much about trans-folk when I first joined Wrong Planet & nobody tried to educate me; they simply attacked me for not being 'up to speed' about that particular issue, even though I was just a teenager socially at the time & had the bottom of my brain growing down my spinal cord. None of that mattered apparently.

Well, at least they seem to be aligning more with reality now, as I have been doing for several years. There is no point dwelling on past disagreements.



blitzkrieg
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20 Dec 2021, 6:58 pm

SadGhost wrote:
Autistics are easy targets for narcissists and toxic, fake "friends" due to our naivety, lack of social awareness and loneliness. We often find ourselves desperate for human contact. The majority of friendships that I have had in my life have been toxic ones, with friends who faked niceness only to constantly make fun of me and stab me in the back. I now have some major trust issues due to these fake friendships.


Yeah, this has happened to me as well. I am low on narcissism in personality type tests yet I always seem to attract narcissists because of my willingness to accomodate them. I end up giving so much of myself but in the end, I am alone.

It's not a regret as such, I like soltitude for many reasons, but it has its downsides.