How is it that non-gay-looking people are gay?

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I think it’s something that we learn through environmental conditioning. As a child, there were times when I had to wear skirts and dresses, no matter what my personal preferences were.

I can understand why people would want to express their identity through clothes, even if gender norms are based more on societal constructs than biological necessity.

Clothing can reflect one’s culture, so it could allow a person to feel more like the group they are a part of. People do tend to define themselves by the clothes that they wear - girl, boy, bohemian, athletic, punk, etc.

I think the issue is when people base their looks around the age-old pitfall: style over substance. There are many very boring people that look very interesting but don't have too much going on in their heads.

I remember going to an event aimed at LGBT students whilst at University. There was a drag show, I've never really had any interest in drag but I wanted to meet more people in the community, so I figured I might as well attend. At one point, I was sat with a small group, when a couple of women walked inside. They were dressed up in heels and short dresses whilst wearing heavy makeup. I could hear them talking in a giddy voice to the drag queens and excitedly (whilst slightly drunk) hyping them up.

One of the women in our group shook her head. She tutted and complained about straight women taking over LGBT spaces. That it "ruins it for the rest of us". I could tell that she was including me in the 'us' statement. Frankly it felt weird, being on the other side of judgement for once. Of course, for all we knew, the women might not have been straight - or may have been a part of the community in another way. Even if they weren't, so long as they were respectful I don't think there was an issue.

When I first came out, I was worried that I would be dismissed. That I wouldn't fit the mould and would be dismissed by the rest of the community. However, that didn't happen. In reality, I was actually met with a lot of "Well duh", "I called it!", and "That explains a lot actually". When I came out to my parents, my mum was actually only shocked because she expected me to come out later than I did.

I do fit into some of the stereotypes. Not intentionally, just coincidentally. For instance, I like wearing flannel shirts. They are comfortable. I like my boots as well, they look a bit like docs. However, I also like to wear dresses and floral clothes. When I came out, the question "are you a tomboy or girly?" became "would you describe yourself as butch or femme?" I usually answer soft or casual femme / tomboyish femme.

There are stereotypes in regards to what feminine lesbians act or look like, yet again I fit into some of them. However, there are plenty that I don't fit into as well.

to answer the "why?" question, when i was in the army i made it a point to dress as stereotypically gay as i could get away with, just to contrast myself with the jean and t-shirt crowd dominating my barracks.

Stereotypes and prototypes not always correct or applicable to everything and everyone

Overgeneralization

Globalization

Pattern recognition

Growing up in the 50s, I knew that gays spoke with a lisp and were named Bruce. That was a long time ago. I got married, had a child and worked for the government, etc. Can you imagine a time without Google, the internet and porn? It took me almost half my life to discover that I was gay.
However, I am surprised at the silly title of this discussion. Few people would think now that all gays are obvious from their distinct personalities. No, there is not a gay "format." Never was. Some enjoyed an "overt" identity, most didn't. My confusion about my life for so long was exactly because I did not have a "limp wrist" and live in the Castro district of San Francisco.
Of course my Asperger's had a lot to do with this. Since most gay people in the world do not publicly announce it, much of the public connections between gay people while I was growing up (and even now) were not overt but were quite subtile. While we Aspies all collect data during discussions, we often miss hints and vague suggestions. And so much is still a secret. I remember the bombshell of Rock Hudson getting AIDS. A star was....gay???? But how much is still secret?

Twilightprincess wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
to answer the "why?" question, when i was in the army i made it a point to dress as stereotypically gay as i could get away with, just to contrast myself with the jean and t-shirt crowd dominating my barracks.
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How well did that go over?
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i made myself scarce.

When I was in the US Army - early 60s - being an active gay would get you a dishonorable discharge. And even not
active, when identified, would get you a general discharge. I avoided any interest in that because it could also end your access to classified information which was critical to my work.

Not everything is the way it appears

Optical illusion