Mourning the life I wish I could have

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I was diagnosed way to early for a girl with Asperger's, but from the day I was diagnosed I have always wished I was somebody else. A neurotypical, to be more exact. And before you say "NTs have it hard too", hear me out first. I was born into a family of NTs and went to a school full of NTs. And I felt I was The Problem Child. Out of all the children I knew growing up (cousins and classmates) there wasn't anyone who had worse issues than me, behaviour-wise.
My mum suffered challenges from me that her siblings and other parents she knew didn't with their (NT) children, and I brought on so much stress for my mum and I think she just yearned for a "normal child", or more accurately, a "normal parenthood". Normal doesn't mean perfect, so that's not what I'm trying to say. Normal just means the desired, the standard, doesn't stand out, etc.
And at school, the older I got the more socially isolated I felt. There were only like 11 other girls in my class and they all hung out together every lunchtime, but I still felt so excluded, even by the nice girls. I just stuck with them for familiarity (I knew them since we were 5 years old and I liked them of course) and because I hated being on my own. But I was often left out of gossip and activities, and when I tried to join in they'd say "I wasn't talking to you!" or "go away and stop following us!" Also I was treated differently and I used to imagine how different my school life would have been if I was born NT just like them. I'd just automatically be accepted into their group and know all the right things to say and be considered as cool as the next person. I'm not saying I'd have been popular but I know I would have been accepted.
Also I get angry, because why me? Both my parents are NTs. My mum was in her mid-20s when she was pregnant with me, and had no birth complications. I was a healthy baby, born a week later than my due date. Yet my aunt had problems during pregnancy, where the baby (my cousin) wasn't getting enough oxygen and the doctors said she was at risk of being born disabled. But she wasn't disabled. All she had was some minor learning difficulties and a bit delayed in speech but she turned out OK, seemed NT enough to be able to fit in and make friends and not be challenging for her parents or be a concern at school.
So I lacked all the risk factors of being born different yet I still was, while my cousin had more risk factors of being born different and she wasn't.
So, why me?

I do.
But it's not autism, just circumstances.

My dad risked himself out there and... He barely made it.
Didn't delivered the promises and plans -- while many of my family friends had been successful.

So why us? (Me and my family)
That's how I got disillusioned about the idea of going abroad.

At least he didn't abandoned us or worse, got himself in trouble. And that he's still doing his duty as a provider.

Would I get better accomodations elsewhere, instead of having to get by in this slow and painful process by myself, had my parents got lucky and succeeded?

It's not like I can do anything about my own parents' decision as a child.

I'm an adult now. I should have more power to decide my own fate.
So why am I still feel like I'm "waiting" when I shouldn't? Why long for something that should been, yet never did?



As for my life had I've been an NT?
I do not mourn for it.
It just looked like a really tempting avenue than something I long for.

I don't know. I don't think I'd turn out to be a good person if I've been NT.
I'd be an aspies' nightmare -- maybe the type that could fall into antisocial personalities with my mom's social talents -- had that been the case.

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long have felt a day late and a dollar short. like i just found out about the big race and by the time i get within sight of the starting gate, the participants long ago finished and went onto other things and it was paved over into a parking lot full of cars.

I wish I would have done much better with my life. I wish I was a “normal” person, so perhaps I could have been a professional, rather than just a clerk. I wish I didn’t have my limitations.

But I also seek to make the best out of what I do possess. I try not to be bitter. I could be much worse off than I am at this moment.

I just wish I wasn’t so damn lazy—and have the patience to do handyperson tasks. I dislike even LOOKING at someone putting up blinds at my window.

watching other people work hard makes me tired. really. i get tired just thinking about it, though nowhere near as tired as i got having to do the rot.

New here and just saw your post. Same age range, found out 4 years ago. And yes I mourn the life I could have had.

Still haven't completely given up and I'm trying to salvage something of a career that I had planned. Just hope I don't end up alone the rest of my life.

Sometimes I mourn the life I could have. Because I see how happy others can be. It's not about the success, it's about the smile in their face. It's about their ability to develop fulfilling relationships. It's about the harmony they have in their lives. How smoothly they navigate in life. While all my life I felt I was drowning and I was fighting to stay at the surface. Sometimes I experience an excruciating existential angst that incapacitates me.

the "holland" analogy seems to fit me like a glove.

I’m bitter that I missed out on a richer life for almost 70 years. I get over it fairly easily by thinking about how things are for me now. Becoming aware of my ASD has improved my life dramatically. I have developed mindfulness practice and have much less anxiety than I used to have. All that happened in the past doesn’t exist except in my memory. Now, this moment, is real and it is good.