Sometimes people say extreme things when upset/angry

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Up to a point, yeah, I agree.

I've known a lot of people over the years though that use emotional upsets as an excuse to habitually engage in hurtful behavior. It's like the shrug off any responsibility by saying stuff like, "Oh I didn't mean it, I was just upset." and then they go and get all bent out of shape when people 'have the nerve' to be upset by their hurtful words. It's one thing if someone has an oops moment. It's another entirely when they know their behavior is a problem and refuse to deal with their own emotional issues or self regulation or whatever. I have zero intent of coddling and enabling people who do that kind of thing once I realize they're just that kind of person. And that is what's happening at that point. It's telling that person their behavior is okay and it's not okay to treat people like verbal punching bags because 'you're having a moment'. We all have moments. Learn to deal. I have a list of ex partners and ex friends because of crap like that. I'm too old and tired to keep toxic people in my life. I have more important things to do like nap and eat a sandwich.

Also, I think it depends on what kind of extreme thing someone is saying. As has been mentioned, if someone I know says something like "I'm going to kill her!" I don't think they really mean it. But if someone says some bigoted crap, for example, and then tries to downplay it like they were just mad, I'm going to think they have some bigoted tendencies and think how messed up they are that they use an emotional outburst to try to justify holding to horrible beliefs...like that suddenly makes it okay or something.

But I do support doling out a little patience and understanding, as a little of that sems to go a long way. I dislike confrontation and things that feel tense to me. I prefer to talk stuff out and find resolution whenever possible. And I totally get it if someone is having an off day.

A few years back I learned about active listening and tried to work on my own communication skills when it comes to speaking my mind in helpful v/s hurtful ways. I used to do stuff like get upset and just leave my house. I needed to walk and calm down so I didn't act like a psycho towards whoever I was arguing with. I thought I was doing right because I wasn't yelling or whatever. I used to be a yeller back in the day and people didn't like that, myself included. So I worked on that. Then what I wasn't doing was saying to whoever I was arguing with that I just needed to cool down so I could give the conversation not only the sanity it deserved, but the attention as well. The person I would leave behind had no way of even knowing if I was coming back. Nowadays I try to tell people where my head is and why I am doing what I'm doing...so I don't act like a jerk I need to do x, y, z, and ask for patience. I like this way a lot better. Life runs more smoothly now.

I'm talking a lot. Point being, I get it people have oops moments. I used to have them all the time. I'll likely have them again. But there comes a point when people should try to learn it's not okay to hurt others and that they should work on their own issues. And if they don't, they shouldn't be surprised when no one wants to put up with their crap anymore.

That is such a good point.

Often people (including myself!! !) think a person is pointedly making a comment about *me* but in fact they are probably mainly talking about themselves.

Most people talk about themselves most of the time. I've realised that with my mother, for example, she makes a comment about what another person thinks/feels/believes and I think, oh dear that person believes XYZ. But I realised that she isn't talking about them, she is actually talking about her own ideas/feelings/beliefs etc.

Can't remember how I came to that conclusion but it fits.

Last edited by KitLily on 17 Jun 2023, 6:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

I used to apologise a lot but as I got older I started realising actually I'm allowed to have feelings, needs, wants and I don't have to apologise for every single thing. Just when I am clearly wrong.

Last edited by KitLily on 17 Jun 2023, 6:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think a lot of this is society pressure. It's seen as weak for men to be upset, so they tend to show everything as anger.

It's not acceptable for women to show anger, so we tend to show everything as tears.

Your daughter is unusual IMO but good on her for not playing to the expectation of the weeping woman.

Exactly! Well said.

People get angry sometimes. That's life. It's not an excuse to immediately judge that person as 'wrong/bad' and delete them.

I've had that done to me a few times- I had one bad day and was 'deleted' from someone's life. When I found out later what I'd said, it didn't make sense and they'd misunderstood.

Oh that does piss me off! People constantly annoying me and getting at me and winding me up. Then when I finally retaliate, IIIII am the one in the wrong.

Yes there is a time and a place for extreme comments. Not at work but hopefully friends and relatives would be more understanding.

That is a nice summary. I was talking about the oops moments, the odd times we lose our temper or are tired/ hungry/ scared/ whatever and let our mouths run away with us.

I'm also thinking there is a big difference between Americans and British. I've noticed Americans are far, far, far better at talking about emotions, dealing with emotions, acknowledging emotions, giving appropriate reactions to people.

Brits are, in general, emotionally very stunted. DO NOT TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS is the number 1 rule in this country. And it does nobody any good whatsoever. We need emotional education in Britain asap.

If someone shows any sort of strong emotion in Britain, people are generally shocked and gloss over it. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip. Those phrases still matter here.

I'm not allowed to have oops moments on WP. It's getting harder and harder.

I don't want to be rude, Joe, but you said you get on better with people in real life than online. Well that's the impression I got anyway. Would it be better to spend more time with real life people?

I don't want to sound like I'm sending you away or anything

Well, I do. It's just I like to come here too but it's difficult now with my reputation. If I make a mistake again or don't like someone's post they just yell "here you go again!" which is very aggravating. It's a bit like years ago when I used to have outbursts at home, and when I was just calmly expressing my feelings my family would yell "oh don't start again!" assuming I was going to have one of my moments, and them saying that actually triggered me into one.

I can't make friends that well offline though, even though I'm likeable.

I'm always amazed when you say how well you understand offline people with body language and expressions and subtle meanings etc. I've got little hope of that.

I was told some years ago to 'go where you feel good', which means everywhere you can- offline and online. So I gradually realised which places make me feel bad and which make me feel good, and I stick to the good ones now.

I don't think it's your problem finding it difficult to make friends. Nearly everyone I know online finds it difficult. Maybe that is why we go online, but surely that can't apply to everyone. I think today's society with the focus being on making money and not making communities, is hurting us all. Everyone is on their own track, we don't actually need other humans now, because we can get whatever we want at the click of a button. It's making friendship very difficult because that's the only thing we can't get online.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant! But it's not just you who struggles making friends. I used to have lots of offline friends before I was about 35, where did they go...

I don't think it's just an autistic thing to have difficulties making friends as you get older. I just think it's because for some people as they get older they just have more defences.

That's why children make friends so easily because they're more open. I've found that the more open I am as an adult the more easier it is to make friends myself because people just seem to trust me more. Whereas if I'm closed off and defensive it's like an instant repellent. Anyway

I think that in Joe90's case some people enjoy seeing her get wound up online so they trigger it because she's made it easy for them buly her past reactions. If she learned a different way of reacting they would probably just leave her be.

It's a tricky one. In principle, my view is "Tell them that's not OK, but don't actively persecute them for it." In reality, it's pretty damn hard to tell someone in a polite but firm way that they've crossed the line. It's easier to get angry in return and stand there like a couple of snarling dogs. (I've been on both sides of this.)

No, I think those people get drunk then post on here.

How do you know they're drunk.

I was drunk on here on Friday night and all I did was tell people how much I loved them.

Because they say they get drunk a lot, and some of their posts here seem aggressive or touchy, which is out of character for them. Then it seems as soon as they've sobered up they've sort of backed away and are their nice selves again.
I had a drunken member here (she hasn't been here for months now) who only came here when she was drunk and often posted things that didn't make sense and sent me weird PMs. She often said she drank a lot.