10 Years ago today

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I finally have time to respond but now it feels like everyone's already said the things I'd want to say. I've probably said all of this before, too. Anyway, here goes. In true Isabellean fashion I'll try to be brief.

APOM once posted the story of a late-diagnosed woman finding out she was autistic and crying in the street from a lifetime of pent-up pain. (Something like that, anyway. That's the memory I have of that post, whether I'm getting it wrong or not. ) It resonated with me and choked me up because I'm fascinated by other people's midlife diagnoses, APOM's included.

I was diagnosed in 2018, a month shy of 50, and I'd endured a life of profound fear until that point. I was afraid of my own shadow from the time I was a toddler, because I felt there was something inherently - and shamefully - wrong about me. I felt ashamed to exist, as if I were a cretin or had a full-body birth defect. This was even before a lifetime of abuse and exploitation started to occur. Weirdly enough, my diagnosis was also one day before The Groomer first messaged me. Such fertile ground I was in that regard. I hated myself and thought I could fix that if someone else said they loved me. I didn't realise I was supposed to love myself, instead. That's been a separate journey which didn't begin until 2020.

My diagnosis answered a lot of questions about why I'd been so vulnerable and why I'd found myself in so many RIDICULOUS situations over the years. I couldn't read faces or body language. I couldn't make inferences. I thought so quickly I couldn't process separate ideas or put them in linear order. I was a cyclone of unnamed and unexpressed emotions, shut tight in the fortress of my stoic public persona. I was so afraid of myself I didn't know how to interact with anyone, online or off. My report was extremely validating but I had no idea what to do with 30-pages of clinical data, except to let it sink in. I'm still only half-way submerged in finding out what it all means, and how I'm supposed to move forward.

I'm amazed by APOM's resilience with cancer and the clarity with which he describes illness as an autistic person. It's a nightmare. Having had 10+ invasive reconstructive surgeries and being mute myself, I can only imagine what it would have been like to deal with cancer, mortality, and the labyrinth of America's health care system. I tip my hat to you there APOM. Did you work with OT's to regain your speech?

As for the bit about you possibly leaving for a while, I won't ask for specifics but please know how much we value your calm and reliable presence here, and do come back. I feel like we've just scratched the tip of the proverbial iceberg in reading such a candid post about your emotional rollercoaster and your own vulnerability.

Hugs for now.
Write more when you can.

And just like that another year has gone by and today is the 11th anniversary of me being diagnosed and joining WP.

My reaction to getting diagnosed and how it has helped in the ensuing years is in the OP.

That change in my personal life that I mentioned in the OP was a move out the place where I had been living for decades. It was a very hard thing to do but I eventually adjusted. A couple of weeks ago I visited the old place. It could not have gone better. I have been with other people when they drive by their old neighborhood and that is all it is a drive by. The person now living there was nice enough to show me the place. It is very much different but still felt like home, sort of. It is comforting to know that a good person is there and that it is well taken care of. The old neighbors were glad to see me and I was glad to see them. I guess that was my closure.

As a Jewish person what has been going on in the mideast and here in America in reaction to events there has been tough.

In the OP I mentioned WP software. While by far not the worst software issue WP has had those SQL errors were a tipping point for me and I ended up being away for over a month. It made me realize how much dealing with software issues uses up my spoons. Going forward when those issues arise I will not be bothered fighting them and take the time I need.

Now to get around to the actual reason I made this post. Again I want to thank Alex for creating this site and his continued advocacy. The movie he was an associate producer for ‘Ezra’ came out this year and is now available for streaming. I want thank everybody still posting here and those that have moved on for their insights and support. As I discussed last year special thanks go to Isabella Linton, Twilight Princess and Cornflake for making WP far less toxic then it has been in the 11 years I have been here. Speaking of Cornflake. WP was too hard to handle when we had multiple moderators. Yet all alone he has this under control. Wow.



WP software is still standing. No way I thought that would happen.

Happy Anniversary!

It certainly is much less toxic around here than it was in the past. I’m thankful for members like you, Isabella, Cornflake, and a few others for making this such a great community. I’m also thankful for Walrus for writing the sticky and his involvement behind the scenes.

It has been a tough year for a lot of folks. I’d say that I hope the coming year will be better as far as the situation in the mideast goes, but I’m not feeling particularly confident about that. If that’s not possible, I at least hope that the impact felt by WP members in the US and elsewhere won’t extend further than it already has.

Sorry for the late reply APOM!

Happy Anniversary, and thank you for the kind words. It takes a village though. Your support actually made a big difference for me at times when I felt insecure. There are others too like bee and Duck. I could go on but this isn't the place for it. I just want you to know how much I appreciate you, and how much you were missed during your absence.

Here's to another eleven.

Happy Anniversary!

I agree that WP is headed for happier and more peaceful times.

You were a wonderful member here from the start.. I deeply admire your style, respect for others, meaningful contributions, your integrity, and your courage. I am so grateful to Alex that our paths crossed here in that first year when we were both somewhat in a state of astonishment. It means a lot to me

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

You were a wonderful member here from the start.. I deeply admire your style, respect for others, meaningful contributions, your integrity, and your courage. I am so grateful to Alex that our paths crossed here in that first year when we were both somewhat in a state of astonishment. It means a lot to me