Issues with relationships

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I've had issues with relationships my whole life and I'm 49. I have a very hard time knowing who to trust so I tend to keep most people at a distance. I'm very choosy about who I'm willing to make friends with. I tend to be on the taciturn side when it comes to people these days. I have to feel that I can trust someone a great deal before I open up to the person. I trust women a little more than I trust men because their language is a little less vulgar and it was a man that I was emotionally hurt by when I was in college. I tend to trust people who are more modern and less religious due to my gender dysphoria and the fact that I identify and express as Male.

I also don't think that my personality is all that great either. I'm not sure if I'm being too hard on myself or if I even have an accurate critique of my own character.

Admittedly I stopped putting in effort in the midst of covid since I got really upset that none of my "effort" seemed to lead to anything. But I can understand why the perceived "effort" might've gotten me nowhere since none of it was really taking action. It was just mental gymnastics and trying to gauge the best possible thing to say in a conversation and making a mental checklist of how many social interactions I would have through out the day, trying to minimize behaviors that might lead to rejection etc.

But nobody connects with other people when you try to structure everything and take account for every variable. A really inorganic way of thinking through a problem like this.

Maybe you could try to turn around the means by which you assess your effort. Rather than gauging it on how it came out for you ("I didn't make a friend" or "No one seemed to like me or connect with me"), try thinking of the outcome in terms of how you affected someone else ("I made someone feel appreciated by offering them a compliment" or "Someone felt less alone because I talked to them when they were standing by themselves" or "I helped them with a task"). Being of service is a really good way to feel better about ourselves, and it can also eventually lead to the outcome of making a friend or being appreciated.

But really, it is autism interfering with our self understanding and the way others understand us! We can forgive ourselves for struggling with social stuff, we are simply not wired the same way most people are and it interferes with everything about our lives. We must live differently, we communicate and understand others differently, they understand us differently too. No matter how hard I try in real life social situations I am overwhelmed, I get things wrong, I mess up by misunderstanding and my sensory processing struggles do not allow me to "keep up" with everything happening right at that moment. I have learned I simply can not be successful in many social settings because my neurology does not allow me to do things most people do with ease.

I have a successful social life because I discovered a different way to do things at my own speed in quiet settings and in very small groups or "one on one" in quiet places. Lots of changes can be made in the ways we do things to adapt ourselves to our neurology.

No matter how hard we try, many of us simply are not wired to work in some social situations. Instead of meeting at the mall for a day of shopping, instead of gathering in a crowded restaurant or bar, going to concerts, lectures, or other places, I can suggest meeting in some quiet place with one or 2 selected individuals, having a picnic, doing things where I know my senses can cope better and doing things at speeds where I know I can understand and keep up.

Lots of "work arounds" to the standard expectations of neurotypical individuals can be found to make life more comfortable and easier to "do".

It's a dangerous world, baby. You can not trust anyone.