Adventures In Preaching

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With love being the operative sin.

Right ...

What would they say if I pointed that out?

In case you might be wondering what preaching is like, especially for people on the spectrum with social anxiety, I thought I might provide a true account (or possibly accounts) from my own personal experience. It could be something to read in a waiting room before getting called back for a routine colonoscopy. That sort of thing.

The names may have been changed.

Rewind 20ish years.

I am unfortunate enough to be out preaching door-to-door with Sister Judgy. I call her that because in-between doors she likes to make negative remarks about most of the people we meet - like about the family with *gasp* two mommies, the man who owns an expensive car (shocking, I know), or even a fellow JW sister who no longer goes to church. According to Sister Judgy, the woman isn't really struggling with depression. (She is.) The real problem is that she "doesn't truly appreciate Kingdom Truths."

It could be worse. I could find myself in the ministry with that stalker Brother Onan (B.O.) yet again. When he's out, he ALWAYS puts me in his car group and makes me go to the doors with him even if it means spending an entire morning working a walking territory…just the two of us. If you can’t get someone to court your sorry ass, you can always use your authority to make it happen. (“Brothers” are in charge of deciding which people will work together. A penis is necessary for something as complex as that. When a penis is unavailable, we make do somehow, perhaps with the help of God's penis. ) I wish there was another single woman in our church. Or maybe not. B.O. should probably stay single.

ANYWAY, on this occasion, Sister Judgy and I are walking to a door. It's my turn to talk. Although I do this every single week, I'm so anxious I'm having trouble catching my breath. Sister Judgy is chewing gum with her mouth open reminding me vaguely of a cow or a camel. I can’t decide which. Smack, smack, smack. Now I'm anxious AND irritated. Focus. What's my presentation about again? Oh yeah! Something about peace. I could go for some peace right about now.

We’re at the door. I knock very lightly, praying silently: "Jehovah God please let no one answer the door this time. I won't doubt your existence ever again, and I'll try so much harder. Thanks for...puppies. They are SO cute..." Maybe a healthy dose of flattery will put God in a prayer-answering sort of mood.

Sister Judgy interrupts my fervent prayer with: "They probably didn't hear that!" and proceeds to give the door a vigorous rap with her knuckles. I decide then and there that I like that sound even less than the smacking of chewing gum.

I continue my prayer until the door slowly opens.

God Damnit.

Like any self-respecting cult member, I hasten to put on the obligatory fake smile. I'm one of "God's Happy People" after all.

I stammer: "H-hello, how are you? It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" Geez, that was a stupid thing to say since it looks like it might rain at any moment.

Strangely, the person at the door smiles and says: "Yes, it's very nice."

Huh, maybe God had this person answer the door for a reason.

I proceed with the Watchtower’s scripted presentation for the month: "My name is Twilight and this is my friend (as if ) Judgy. We've been talking with your neighbors about peace. With all the stuff that's going on in the world today, many people wonder if we will ever have peace. What do you think?"

The householder blinks.

I've since come to the conclusion that not everyone is ready for impromptu discussions about world peace at 9:00 in the morning.

After a brief pause, he says: "I don't know."

This is going SO much better than usual. The door hasn't been slammed in my face yet, no one has yelled, dogs haven't been released, and books haven't been hurled in my general direction. Woot! I'm still on the verge of panic, but this is a vast improvement over the last time I found myself unfortunate enough to be preaching to someone on their doorstep. The householder is even fully-clothed!

"Notice what it says here in the Bible about peace at Psalms 37:10 and 11." s**t. I forgot to bookmark the scripture. Normally, I can find Psalms 37 in 5 seconds flat but not when my hands are shaking on account of being panicky. After 20 agonizing seconds of fumbling, I happen upon the scripture. I read the following aloud from the JW translation of the Bible: "[J]ust a little while longer, and the wicked one will be no more; and you will certainly give attention to his place, and he will not be. But the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace."

"That sounds very nice, doesn't it?" I ask.

"It certainly does," the man responds with a smile.

"Our current issue of the Watchtower talks more about peace and the hope that we have of God fulfilling his promises in the near future. You can have your own copy free of charge along with the Awake," I manage to say with much less incoherent stammering than usual.

He answers politely, "No. No, thank you. We're atheists."

Crestfallen but relieved that my turn is over, I respond: "Okay, have a nice day."

On the way back to the car, Sister Judgy scolds me for not trying to overcome the "conversation stopper." Without openly disagreeing with her, I ponder: "How would I ‘reason’ with an atheist?” Being entirely self-taught from 6th grade on up as a homeschooler and having never been allowed to study stuff that conflicts with JW beliefs, I know little about evolution, science in general, or philosophy. Somehow, I don't think that talking about pretty flowers, Bible scriptures, or something about a watchmaker would cut it.

"You should've said..."

I tune her out and start thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home in the afternoon. I can't wait to change into PJs, eat something comforting, and play another run-through of one of my favorite video games - Majora's Mask. Just three more hours to go...

Smack, smack, smack.

“A cow,” I conclude. “Definitely a cow.”

Your thread brings me back many memories of life as a child pastor when I was a kid.I am still a reverend in the church of Christ to this day.I got into preaching as a 3rd grader because we had this thing at my local church of Christ where we trained young boys and men to be preachers..It was a thing at my church where elementary school kids prepared sermons and preached them at local area churches in places like small towns and other churches in towns and the church itself.We also had a convention we went to every year in a big metro at a major airport although we drove to the airport even though it was many hours away.We would preach there and I preached in front of around 2,000 to 5,000 people at one time once.

JWs do conventions, too. Every year, they have a 3 day convention although it was 4 days when I was a kid. They rent out large stadiums for it. Apart from that, they have a 2 day assembly and a 1 day assembly every year, too. Those often take place at smaller venues that are owned by the Watchtower. All of it was lousy when I was a kid. Having to sit through that s**t was a lot. Kids were routinely taken out and spanked because parents were too stupid to realize that having toddlers/preschoolers sit all day during lectures designed for adults is unrealistic/not part of normal child development. Going by their expectations, they seem to view kids as short adults.