More of my recent Writing
KBABZ
Veteran
Joined: 20 Sep 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,012
Location: Middle Earth. Er, I mean Wellywood. Wait, Wellington.
This post was typed up by me yesterday. It poses as a government document regarding the Inoqous Project, a major plotline in my story as it affects two characters quite deeply. Here it is.
The Inoquos Project is a highly controversial subject. It is highly dangerous to its subjects and can cause loss of sanity, great harm to others, even death to the subject.
Its history begins with the creation of the genetic creature known as Mordith, The main subject of the obsessive Doctor Vanju. Using Inithilian technology, he created Mordith using the DNA of over 50 animals, including Human and Renon. Mordith had the incredible ability to grow Humans and Renons using his own DNA, and those subjects were able to be influenced in their mind using a technique similar to hypnosis. The name Vanju gave to his own Mordith Project was Quinoso. Vanju died a few months after Mordith was created in 1992.
5 years later, Mordith was fully grown, and had two schemes in mind. The first was born out of his mad desire to rule, and this involved restarting the life timeline by destroying everything on the surface of the Earth. The second was experimentation of inserting his blood into other life forms. He first tried this on animals such as squirrels and cats, and the result would be a primal rage. However, the animal would quickly burn out and die.
Mordith saw opportunity in this, and moved on to more intelligent species. He captured a Human, a Renon, a Smilaf, a Molin and a Kanil. The results varied greatly. The Smilaf specimen, Waryl Osem, died after the first injection. The Kanil, named Tephra Warring, showed little to no effects, aside from an increased temper and lack of memory of the events. The first Molin specimen, named Bob Argyle, escaped, however a second one was quickly acquired, although this one died in similar conditions to the Smilaf. The Human and Renon specimens revealed the most interesting results, and were both quite similar.
A man in his late 20’s named Keiran Savver was the human specimen. He was a loyal follower of Mordith, and put himself up for the experiments. He was required to be kept fully conscious during the injection, and once that was carried out, he would also explode in rage similarly to the animals. However, each injection had slightly less explosive results, and so at the 11th injection, he would only be mildly pissed off. However it was discovered that, if he were to summon negative emotion, such as anger, sadness, and will himself to be in his alternate form, he could transform into his Rage State, and is fully conscious of the actions he carries out, and therefore is able to change back on will.
The Rage State, or Evil Form, is a highly remarkable and fearsome transformation. As a result of the magical component of Mordith’s Blood, the skin and fur (if applicable) turn ash black, the eyes alter, and fire leaps out of the subjects back. The subject is also in rage, as well as having a distinct lack of sanity.
The Renon test subject, Koise Barlow, was similar, yet a few crucial differences made his experience much different. For a start, Koise was 12 when he was captured. When he was first injected, he would transform into his Rage Mode, however he would also black out, and as a result not be conscious of his actions. Those actions would be destroying his cell as best he could. As a result, he was chained up for the rest of the experiment. He was also required to be fully conscious or ‘awake’ before each injection, however he had extensive time periods in which he was unconscious (from 1 to 4 months). Koise was unaware of the passage of time as a result. So, when his friend Booger, originally indenting to bust out his mate Bob, also managed to free Koise, he had no idea that he was missing for three whole years (the actual time period is unknown).
After Mordith had completed his experiments, he then put into operation his first plan, using ElectroIridium bombs placed all over the world. Koise, Booger and Bob were able to survive the disaster by using prototype Flash Pods, which freeze time inside them. However, Koise set his pod to 5,000 years, and appeared in a world ruled by Mordith. There, he fell in love with a Renon named Clarrissa, who, as a result of Mordith’s capabilities, was one of Mordith’s subjects. Regardless, Koise and Clarrissa fell for eachother.
Keiran was also among them, as Mordith had kept him with him for the long while by using a non-aging spell (Mordith’s DNA involves magic, which he has a firm grasp on). He killed Clarrissa with a shotgun in front of Koise, which provoked him to transform for the first time in his memory, as well as for the first time outside of injection. Due to the strength of the emotion, Koise blacked out after initiating in combat with Keiran.
He would soon transform again when he is pursuing Keiran through a city in Mordith’s Empire, when he realized Keiran was after two other occupants Koise cared about. This time, however, the emotion was not as strong, and so he did not black out, however Koise was greatly ashamed of his alternate form.
Koise’s transformation method is an abnormality. Keiran is able to transform into the alternate form on will, just by wishing it. Koise’s transformation method, however, is different because the last procedure was not carried out correctly. Koise was not fully conscious or ‘awake’ when he had Mordith’s Blood injected into him. As a result, he is unable to transform in quite the normal way, rather he must summon far more negative emotion to trigger it. Additionally, the will to be in the alternate form is now a non-existent requirement.
The Evil Form is seeded by the injections of Mordith’s Blood into the organism. There, it is absorbed into the body, and the magical side is also absorbed into the psyche of the organism. There it lies completely dormant until the first transformation into the Evil Form. The Evil Form splits the ‘sane’ and ‘insane’ portions of the mind, however the organism must transform into the Evil Form periodically in order to avoid the Evil Form’s insane side to infect and take over the sane side. This only applies after ‘activation’.
However, this is scaled relative to the organism’s psyche scale, or emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is different from normal intelligence because it is the ‘human’ side of a being, that which feels emotions. The larger the self-intelligence, the more emotional capacity there is, and thus, more for the Evil Side to feed off of to take over the sane side of an organism’s mind. This explains why an animal, such as a mouse or a rabbit, cannot achieve the Evil Form, however the magic in Mordith’s Blood is enough to sustain a period of rage. Other, more emotionally intelligent animals, such as dolphins, apes, monkeys and elephants, are more capable or achieving this, however only a few of these animals have achieved the Evil Form, and even then, the emotional energy used was enough to kill them.
Despite the fact that Keiran needed to transform into the Evil Form every so often to keep him from losing his mind, he, Mordith, or in fact nearly everybody, did not know this. Keiran preferred not to use it, as he felt it alienated him. However, slowly but surely, this caused him to lose his sanity. Around the time he killed Clarrissa, he was infected enough by the Evil Form to enjoy the process of killing somebody at random, and ironically this is what triggered Koise to transform without Mordith’s Blood being injected into him.
Keiran quickly submitted to the infection a few weeks after, and he quickly lost his mind. Koise however, was able to retain his sanity, and eventually find a cure for the Evil Form. However it is unknown what method was used to achieve this.
_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there
It needs a lot of work I think, all I'm really seeing is a pastiche of other stories, namely frankenstien, 28 days later, the hulk, dragonball Z, the time machine, rising caine, among others.
I have read before that you intend to become a published writer.
some tips for you then:
don't write it as a government document. it's brief and uninspiring as a format and the narrative will be vapid and uninteresting. write it as a story. stories have impact. They leave an impression. A government text file will be short and unmemorable, as all the plot just unfolds in a few paragraphs. It doesn’t draw the reader in.
change the names. Names are a Vital part of a character, and should have some resonance with their personality. Throwing a few syllables together for a name doesn’t work unless you pay close attention to the psychological impact of the phonetics. Sometimes it’s best to take words from obscure languages like ‘daggra’ or ‘tiamat’.
Who is your protagonist? You give a name and background to lots of supporting roles before introducing the protagonist. You should ALWAYS introduce the protagonist in the beginning, then build the back story around him. I didn’t know if Kieran or koise was the protagonist, it’s not made very clear.
You’ve got good attention to detail, but mostly it’s detail that’s redundant. We don’t to know the names of the failed test subjects, just that they failed. The background to the rage state is complex and messy.
What roles do booger and bob (please, try names that aren’t so generic) play in the story, they’re introduced in a sentence, and that seems to be it.
Why are you introducing your love interest so late in the story, where you have not time for the relationship to develop? Rarely do people fall in love so quickly. It’s unrealistic.
In fact, you need to turn the story around, start with the time travel and then explain the backstory while the character is progressing towards the goal.
What is the protagonist-antagonist relationship between koise and Kieran?
What, actually is the role of the rage mode? It’s a bit anime-ish.
Also, what’s the ending? Your post seems to end mid story? If your story was going to be a government report, is it a future government or a past government? If it’s a past government, how do they know about the future, if it’s a future government, how was the government formed?
I think you need to think your stories through a bit more and just throw in ideas that seem cool at first glance. A successful story is built on a bed of logic. Everything happens because the logic bedrock makes it the sensible outcome. Your plot outline is wildly inconsistent, focusing lots of detail on background detail and at the same time explaining massively important plot developments in a single sentence.
The only other advice I can give you is, in the words of Hamlet, “get thee to a writer’s course!”
KBABZ
Veteran
Joined: 20 Sep 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,012
Location: Middle Earth. Er, I mean Wellywood. Wait, Wellington.
^ Keep in mind that the document is only describing a small part of my story here, in no way is it to be used as a plot guide for my story. There's tons of other stuff in it that would take me quite a while to explain to you.
_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there
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