I was never diagnosed with AS, and I may not have it, but I am not 100% NT. I've always marched to a differen drummer, and never been a part of that social circle everyone is supposed to be in. I never had their interests. Of everyone in the family, I was always the least "industrious". I appeared smart, artistic, and creative and all that, but I never did well in school. My grades were average, usually just in the C range, doing badly in math, and well in English and art-related courses. I tried, worked hard etc., but never got the consistent honor roll grades my sisters got, despite my father's unreasonable pressure and ability to make me feel like utter crap for no good reason. That, and his idiotic pride in having a Doctorate, being a right-minded, cultured, conservative and moral professor/defender of liberal arts. As a kid he not only was in the band, but he was a cub scout, had a paper route, and played baseball. He tried to get me to do each of these things, but I was never interested for long.
His philosophy in life is: "Work really, really, hard. Extra effort rewards you and is what enables you to live a good life. Be moral and live life as if you were back in the 1950's as the world was a better place back then. Our culture has become corrupt and immoral, so prepare to be alarmed and offended by everything. Meet everyone's expectations. Always be polite and grovel to your superiors because you don't want to waste any opportunities. Live in a constant state of anxiety."
My philosophy is: "Screw everyone else and find your passion. Be nice and polite to people because you can." Sort of the opposite of his.
His pressure never helped anyone. My sisters were always better students than I. Whenever people talked to me, I always discussed my passions--my artwork, my idea for whatever book or movie I wanted to make eventually, and the fantasy world of whatever game I was playing at the time. Basically whatever held my obsession.
To my father, these passions were trivial distractions that were not as important as maintaing good grades and getting into college etc., but to sacrifice them would mean spiritual death to me, which is something I would have rather killed myself than lose. He felt guilty about me as well, wishing that he'd been a better role model (whatever that means) and wishing that he'd raised me better so I'd grow up to be an extorverted over-achiever like him with an intense interest in classical music, education, and success. To him I'm just a lazy under-achiever.
I never felt smart, though. I had a pretty good vocabulary from the books I read (didn't read much fiction--mostly non-ficiton books). Because I was a self-taught artist, my art was never that good. At least not good enough to compete with those people who went into school to major in art. I was bored perpetually by school, and was never consistently a good student. Sometimes I think my only talent is fooling people into thinking I'm more intelligent than I am by talking about my interests. My I.Q. is what, 128? That's well above average, but it's nothing special, and it's certainly below par for my supposed group.
I've always hated math, science, logic, and philosophy. I've hated the insistence on rationality, objectivity, data, and empiricism. It's a depressing, soulless, suffocating realm in which I find no pleasure or room for catharsis. This is what differentiates me from most other "nerds". I'm often mistaken for an 'NT' rational because of my percieved intelligence and lack of affect, but I am a spiritual 'NF' idealist. It's like I have the soul of an artist but the social skills of a nerd.
My apparent lack of affect and extreme sensitivity to insults has ensured that I have had no social life whatsoever for most of my life. I had some friends in middle and high school, but never a group of friends, as most of them hated each other. And certainly, under no conditions whatsoever, did I ever have any relationships with girls. I recieved my first kiss at the age of 21, and my first relationship (not that I intend for it to end!) perhaps 6 months ago at the age of 23. No matter what I said, it was misunderstood, laughed at, or people simply foudn me creepy or dorky or whatever. In fact, "creepy" was the single most common adjective predicated to describe me. One of my dad's co-workers, a child psychologist, met me briefly and said that I was "a bomb about to explode". I certainly didn't feel that way. I was just apathetic about meeting him.
I always felt behind my peers. Inferior, less mature, less experienced, and always out of the loop. I knew nothing of their pop culture. And I watched them kiss in the hallways, feeling deprived and nothing but rage. I sometimes felt like there was something wrong with my mind. I had many long periods of monomania directed at particular interests, wether computer games, writing, art, or the various worlds I created, but afterwards my interests would wane and I'd move on (or back) to something else.
Only a few months ago, perhaps less than a year ago, did I even hear of Asperger's Syndrome. I found it incidentally, when I was at wikipedia and cross-referenced an article. I was shocked, because so many of the symptoms sounded exactly like what I had (I was called a "little professor" by some, and have crappy hand-eye coordination and absolutely no interest in sports). I took an aspie test and came out borderline. I tried to explain to my family that I may very well have this and so far all of them are quickly and entirely dismissive of the idea.
My sister says that I have affect and have simply chosen to repress it. She's an extrovert, unlike me. She says it's simply because I've been hurt, and this is how I've chosen to react. That's worth considering too, I suppose.
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"And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And beauty stayed his hand. And from that day on, he was as one dead."
12 Nov 2005, 7:38 pm
