I don't want to be a narcissist

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks Joe. ^^

I know I went off on a rabbit hole with that long post, but that's my autistic brain microexamining details to determine if I was indeed cryptic. Since my posts are sometimes seen that way, I wanted to know why so it won't happen again or make anyone feel uncomfortable. That's when I realised any "cryptic" posts I've made are written for the privacy of MR and my kids, which wouldn't be a factor for you because we don't have the same variables. That's likely why we post using different styles.

In my opinion, the "cryptic controversy" created a snowball effect of paranoia here because of its timing.

It's my belief that some people think my "cryptic" posts about interpersonal issues, my self-deprecating memes, my short-lived silence (Lent), and the groomer situation must all be related. They aren't.

You said we should talk to friends about or personal problems. I did that as much as possible but then some people sensed a confidence between me and others, and thought I was in a clique. The more I tried to joke and be light-hearted the more some people thought it was inside jokes. If I wrote seriously about anything private, it was perceived as veiled bitchiness. The groomer thing is completely unrelated, but it began on the heels of this. Suddenly my "clique" was accused of attacking good people to get them banned. Some people seemed paranoid that my "clique" was out to get them. No one is allowed to give details about the groomer situation so anything I write about abuse, trauma, relationships, etc., during any time of my life might be misconstrued as being about WP groomers. Then people decided there are "sides" here, presumably related to the groomer topic. I don't know about you but I don't have any sides except for following what the mods have asked us to do.

People keep PMing me for info on the groomer thing, as if I know all the answers and I'll gossip when asked. I've referred every person to the mods for that information because I don't do gossip or take sides. It seems strange to me that so many people assume I have all the answers or that my life revolves around WP and its members. I have opinions on the groomer situation and I've tried to protect people (e.g., that whole thing about Anime), but it had nothing to do with "sides" or cliques or vendettas. Now when I complain about all the "vendetta" or "conspiracy" nonsense, it's seen as bitchiness again.

It's a vicious circle and I can't win.

I have enough shite on my plate as it is, and I don't have time or the emotional resources to keep reassuring people their feelings shouldn't be hurt. For once it would be nice if those people worried about themselves, or mine and others' in return.

Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 03 May 2023, 3:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I would really need to see an example of that like being shown a thread where a user is actually doing it because I never see any of that happening here. Maybe I don't look around enough here or read enough threads here because I do not click on every thread here I see nor do I read every post here.

Only thing I have seen here is a user posting a thread ranting about something and it's based on a recent incident that happened in another thread but they are not pointing fingers at anyone and they are not even saying anything bad about other users. I really don't understand why anyone here would feel attacked by it or defensive when there were many other comments in that thread too. If you had posted in it and are concerned you may have added to the hurt to that user, you can voice your concerns and say it wasn't your intention or let them feel how they feel and say nothing. It really depends on the context. If someone was butthurt because you and other users had a different political opinion than them, ignore it. No need to say anything. Sometimes a user will post a link to that thread for context and other readers can read it to understand more. I have seen this sort of thing happen here but I don't see it as them making a thread on a user here because it's all general and they are talking about their feelings.

My threads were in L&D, and you posted on both of them.




You're lucky you haven't had anyone try to track you or your daughter using your IP address, CCTV cameras, or by piecing together everything you've ever written for location clues.

I hope this doesn't sound rude but I have severe PTSD from "real life" abuse, and despite having obsessed members track and troll me in those ways ^, I'm not paranoid or hypervigilent about potential mind games. I don't accuse unrelated people of being out-to-get me or forming cliques and taking sides.






I wish you could show me what you're talking about.

Chances are if a person has written "veiled" references to someone else's behaviour, they're being diplomatic. Chances are they're able to substantiate the comment with proof, it's written for our common good at WP, and they're making the reference because that other person broke rules themselves. Chances are the mods are already involved, the "offended" person has been warned for something but didn't stop, and maybe they refuse to speak privately on PM like you suggest.

When someone's behaviour is so bad that it affects us or others, we have a right to speak up for the sake of our own mental health. That's not to embarrass the other person but to defend our point of view using facts instead of rhetoric, rumour, or speculation.

If it's a true or groundless "personal attack" then the writer would be warned or banned, afaik.

Oh yes I remember posting in the conversation Vs disagreements thread, I forgot that was in L&D. But that was quite a while ago, and lately I've been avoiding L&D if I can (although it's not as boring as PPR).

I think my paranoia was from the trouble I had caused last year, but I really don't want to bring that up again. But I had mistakenly upset a few members that day and was beating myself up about it for months afterwards. But that is water under the bridge now and I think everyone has moved on, so I have too. But I think that incident made me think people here held a grudge against me for it and were ganging up on me and all that. But we won't get into a debate about that because I want to move on from that.

I have no idea what you are talking about so if I have no clue, I don't think anyone else would have a clue either.

I think some will. You just weren't involved. It happened at the beginning of October then I requested a 2-month ban. I had stirred up friction between some members and some did hold a grudge against me and b***h about me in other threads, and it was quite obvious. But I can't go further into it, maybe if you want more information I can PM you, but I won't discuss it publicly here because I rather not it be discussed in case it stirs things back up again.
So you can see why I was paranoid that people were talking about me, because I felt that half the forum were angry at me for the offensive remark I'd posted.

I think I know what you're referring to, but for the record it's not a subject I've discussed on PM with anyone whether they're involved or not. No one has ever written to me about it or put me in a position where I'd need or want to take sides.

Most people I know don't talk about WP stuff at all via PM, once friendship is firmly established. They write about their real lives to whatever extent they're comfortable, or about their interests and their pets or whatever.

It never occurs to me that people might be talking about me on PM. I guess it's possible but I'd find that weird, because they'd only be guessing about me unless I was directly involved in the conversation.

I talk about people all the time in PMs; family, strangers, things I see online, users on forums and when people give me troubles online. It's all private stuff and only discussed between me and my online friend. Everyone does that and those who say they never talk about other people behind their backs are lying. It's not like I am going around messaging different users to say s**t about others for no reason. It's normal for friends to gossip with each other and they don't go repeating it to other users or telling them "hey guess what, league girl talked about you to me in PM and said this and that and she thinks you are a bully and a troll because you can't bother reading what she says and you keep twisting her words and changing her arguments." Anyone who does this is a breach of trust and can't be trusted and that is a way to end a friendship.

I agree. Even the nicest of people talk about others. But there are boundaries of course.

I don't care if people here talk about me in PMs, because I'm none the wiser. I don't care if people talk about me at work, as long as I don't hear what they're saying, because of my RSD I can get sensitive. But that's not to say they don't or can't talk about me when I'm not there.

Like the old saying goes, what the eyes don't see the heart don't grieve. Or something like that.

But I'm not saying Isabella is lying or anything. But I wouldn't care either way (I meant that in a nice way).

Where did all those posts go lol.

It's ironic in a thread where people are talking about things getting deleted.

Is it me or did 20+ posts just disappear?

!	Cornflake wrote:
	As a result of a report, several off-topic posts have been removed. These included jokes (which continued despite a request that they stop), arguments with other posters and irrelevant images. A reminder of the special rules applicable to The Haven: viewtopic.php?t=297515

Err...OK.

My comment was written first and foremost in defence of the person Joe mentioned having issues with. That person has not written to me to discuss the situation. In fact, when I asked in general terms if they were OK, they said it was personal and they didn't want to discuss it or involve any third parties. That's normal PM etiquette and I wasn't surprised.

League_Girl, a couple of years ago you made a post saying that sometimes people message you wanting to gossip or wanting information, but you don't take the bait. I admired that at the time and it actually reinforced my desire to stay clear of any background drama here. I've had several people message me phishing for gossip but I've always shut them down. People in this actual thread have messaged me wanting to discuss other members and I've chosen to say no. I have screenshots of the requests and screenshots of my refusals. I'm not virtue signalling, but telling the truth that I don't have time for other people's BS unless I'm directly involved and affected. Even then, I'll talk to the other party before I'll even hint at wanting support from friends. I wouldn't want friends to be in a position of having to choose sides, because that's not something I'd want for myself if the situation were reversed.

These people could also be acting in bad faith and they can take your responses and blab it to other users and to that user you talked bad about to make you out to be the gossiper. This has happened to me before in high school and online so that is why I am like this now. You don't know them. Just because you often see them posting on here doesn't mean you can assume good intentions in them if they want to know more about another user. Just high school drama I call it.

Well, that's the chance you take.

When people are telling me things they are automatically trusting that I won't go and repeat it to the wrong people, and I never do, even if they haven't told me not to tell others I can still tell when they would rather it not be repeated to others. I often feel flattered at the way people trust me, and I wouldn't go abusing their trust. Their secret is always safe with me no matter how impulsive I am. Sometimes I feel my empathy stops my impulsiveness in its tracks, which is why I say that I do have empathy. This is why I don't want to drink, because I'm afraid it might loosen my tongue and I'll be spilling out everybody's secrets. I know that being drunk can really affect your social skills (which is why I don't get why getting drunk is so appealing to NTs, I thought they'd be the last people to want their social skills to be diminished).