I seem to have made a friend, then they're suddenly gone

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It’s now I like you, now I don’t.


I agree with Kit here because people these days tend to be fickle. It’s worse when they aren’t upfront when you said or did something that bothered them.

However, there are people who make it sound like they want to be friends. When in reality, they only want something from us.

For example, I got used by a male on the autism spectrum 10 years ago. He made it sound like he was finally coming around and give me a chance, friend and dating. When in reality, he just wanted me to help him with a fanfic.

Towards the end of that using saga, another friend of mind, who later became my current boyfriend, decided to troll him with a bad fanfic. The other guy who used me got so and told him to go away.

After that, he disappeared and changed him phone number on me. When I bumped into him at a convention, he ignored me. He also pretended like the whole thing didn’t happen.

However, it turned out to be the best because he was a covert narcissist.

Thanks Summer Twilight. Yes, people are fickle because they know they can just move on to the next friend now days, can't they. There are so many people online to choose from, they can constantly go from one to the other.

I'm not being like that, I might just wait it out to see if people go back to valuing real world connections.

Anyway, I thought about something else Kitlily, it could be that these people aren't being a good friend to you because they aren't capable of it. It also sounds like none of them are good communicators either.

However, I learned that it's common for people on the autism spectrum to have behaviors that others find annoying. Therefore, the other party tells us to stop but does so in many subtle hints and body language. For example, we are very honest and direct people and most NTs communicate with body language and other hints. After a while, they get fed up and cut us off.

haha yes I don't get subtle hints and body language. Although I've learned not to lecture people or give monologues. I tend to mention something briefly now and go back to it later if they are interested.

Maybe you're right about them getting fed up. But why did I have so many friends when I was younger? Was I less annoying? Less autistic? That's what I don't understand. I was fairly popular in my late teens and twenties...what's changed?

People are so touchy today over the littlest things and get offended.


It‘s “If you share your opinion or stand up for yourself, then you are harassing me.”

However, you also have a lot of people who have the need to be right. Maybe that’s what you are running into.

That's it isn't it! Well said. If we have the slightest disagreement with anyone or say anything they don't agree with, it's seen as offensive or harassment. Nobody knows how to disagree politely anymore.

I know what you mean and I can give you an example

I had an afternoon gathering one time for New Year's brunch and I asked people to being foods of an original recipe. However, everyone brought over fried chicken. This included another woman who I thought was a close friend who I had previously asked to bring egg drop soup. This was because she told me on an earlier date that she and her husband had tried it. So when I saw the fried chicken, I called her out in front of everyone. "I had asked you to bring the egg drop soup."

After that, she made it clear that our friendship was over by taking an attitude with me in so many actions. For example, she had a sour look on her face. She and her husband also stuck their noses up in air and refused to talk to anyone but amongst themselves.

At no point did she pull me to the side and tell me how she felt or anything. Instead, she and her husband cooked up a good excuse to leave, while also mentioning, "Though I do enjoy the movie we are watching" and then left. She never fully apologized to me for being extremely rude and disrespectful to me in my own home. Rather, she blamed me for getting mad at her.

She dumped me after that and has seemed to stick her nose up at me.

Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 14 Apr 2023, 12:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That sounds like a very immature and selfish woman IMO. I've seen that behaviour a lot.

It's like everyone is regressing into childish and teenage behaviour in the world today. They take everything personally and think everyone is out to get them.

Oh yes, she’s a very self-centered person. Instead of apologizing, they were more concerned with feeling out of place. Yeah that’s not an excuse.

She also was more concerned about me talking about the way they acted on FB than she was about how their actions impacted other people.

On the other hand, she had a history of doing and saying things that made me mad. So when we spoke about it at a later date, she said that friendship got to be too toxic. Why? She got fed up with me for getting mad at her all the time. She said that I accused her of things that were not true. . Well she kept pushing my buttons.

In the end, things worked out for the best. For one thing, she was extremely jealous of me from day 1. She also acted a lot like a communal narcissist.

I do think the problem with me, and maybe other autists, is that we find it hard to work out who is a good guy and who isn't. So we get sucked into being friends with users and they turn others against us.

Either that or the human race is just getting nastier.

I do appreciate chatting with you Summer Twilight

Kitlily,

I have learned to look at facial expressions of people in photos that I am in with these people. If they have a fake smile, then it means they don’t care about you.

Another thing to watch for is the way they treat and interact with you. For example, they may tell you that they love you like a sister. However, their actions always speak louder than words.

Ooh that's a good idea! About the expressions of people.

I don't really get the 'actions speak louder than words' thing. I know lots of people who say the most horrible things, but are shining lights in the local charity or school or town council, they are well loved and respected. Yet they are horrible in private to me and others. How does that work? Should I ignore their words and look at their actions? Hm...

The latest 'friend' who told me how much she loved me and how I could depend on her forever, was the one who dumped me last year. So that was a lie.

The ones who shine like that in the community and act like jerks behind closed doors are communal narcissists. They only do those things for supply.

Hi Kitlily:

I learned that friends often leave us because we do things that are upsetting to them. I think that's mostly because we probably bent some sort of unwritten rule. For instance, stepping over some sort of boundary with their other friends who don't like us.

I'm 63 years old and this has happened my entire life. I think in my case I can't seem to keep from being brutally honest about my opinions. I just can't help it. I try to be diplomatic at first, but before long I can't help but be honest about my opinions even when I know they're very different from the friend's. I have this idea in my head that if I explain myself fully to them then they will automatically understand where I'm coming from or will see the wisdom of my point of view and change. I guess that's arrogant and i know that's something I need to work on. I have many times realized that I had been dead wrong about a lot of things. Don't get me wrong. I am not a stupid person, and I am confident in my opinions, but like everybody - neurotypicals and neurodivergent alike - we tend to use motivated reasoning and that can and has blinded me in the past. The good news for me is that I have identified my deficiencies and so have a chance to correct them, and I will work unceasingly to do this. And I want to add something. Last evening I actually made contact with a person I used to work with and was actually invited to dinner! I thought he didn't like me, but I had a reason to call him. He started calling me buddy and said he likes me and always has. Maybe I have hope of having someone in my life beyond my cat, who is wonderful, but she does not speak English very well and that's kind of essential for good mental health.

There are a few reasons why people tend to disappear and the first one is if you are completely honest with them. People don't like that in general. There are also lots of people out there who love to control others and if they can't control you, it's bye-bye. People also say goodbye by showing their true colors when we tend to set boundaries with them.