Musicial Instrument Jokes

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Personally, I'd rather listen to Herbie Hancock's Headhunter's album than listen to Anything by Kenny G. Or most smooth jazz artists!

my kinda jass is all acoustic and in the flesh, so to speak.

You won't get an argument out of me on your last statement. I really don't like fusion jazz either, except for Herbie Hancock's Headhunter's album. Besides, Herbie Hacock has pretty much gone back to acoustic piano the past few decades.

about as modern as I get would be Rob McConnell.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo ...

How do you know it's a guitarist at your door?

The knocking keeps getting louder and faster ...

How do you know when the drum riser is level?

The drummer's drool comes down straight

Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

A: Because when they were asked who's the greatest musician, they responded "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

A brain researcher walks into a butcher's shop and tells the proprietor that he needs some brains for research.
"How much is this one?"
"That one's monkey brain, and it's $20 per ounce."
"How much is that one?"
"That one is whale brain and it's $100 per ounce."
"OK, how much is that package over there?"
"Oh, that's 10 ounces of conductor brain, that goes for $2000."
"$2000?! for only 10 ounces? why so expensive?"
"'Why so expensive?' he asks! Do you realize how many conductors we have to go through to get those 10 ounces?!"

Why are jokes about drummers so predictable and lame?

So that bass players can understand them, of course.

winner of the bulwer/lytton bad writing contest-

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

This non-musician decided that he needed a hobby and so he that that he would like to learn to play a musical instrument. His favorite music was Polkas and after much consideration of the different instruments, he couldn't make up his mind. So he went to a local instrument store and asked their advice.

After talking to the salesman a while, he decided that he would like to try the accordion and the salesman took him over to the accordion section.

Looking around, he saw one he liked and said, "I think I'd like to try that big red accordion by the wall."

The salesman looked at him and said, "You really don't know much about music at all, do you? That's the radiator."

^^^ta dum dum
What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
Ladies in Pain [joke diagram time- an accordionist would understand this joke, as "lady in spain" was a common accordion showpiece back in the day ]

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing an accordion into a dumpster and having it land on a banjo.