Was that man gay or something?

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I didn't say that gay men don't have female friends. What I said was that being perceived as gay is too high price to pay. I would rather remain single but be seen as straight -- than obtain female friends or even a girlfriend at a cost of being seen as gay.

OK, fair enough. It seems you are really preoccupied with how people perceive your sexuality. I wonder if a therapist might be able to help with that? I wouldn't care if people thought I was gay. Regardless if you did meet women through this man, I'm sure you could make it clear to them (and to the group) that you aren't interested in men.

At first I thought that he was just a lonely older man who wanted to chat with someone and was forming that group of his for the same reason. You know, no ulterior motives aside from having someone to chat with. Elderly people go and chat with random younger people all the time, especially if that younger person is alone as that is seen as less impolite than to try to get in to a group. He might have insisted on things being interesting and such because he did find it interesting and wanted to make sure you'd tell him more, or he might have just wanted you to keep talking because he just wanted to chat and didn't care about what. As for why he mentioned the gay men, I don't think he mentioned them because they were gay but because they were from the same place as you. I think he only mentioned them being gay so that you'd know why they came to US and once you knew that, it'd be a natural way to find out why you came to the country as well.

After reading the comments, another thing occurred to me: maybe the group he's forming is some shady kind, like a cult or something, and he was interested in the stuff you were doing and striking up a conversation to see if you'd be the kind of person who might be willing to join/the kind of person who he'd want in his cult.

I can't quote, CAPTCHA nightmare.

I had to check exactly when was being gay decriminalized in the US - apparently, the first state was Illinois in 1962 and everybody else joined in the 70s.

Well, crossing successfully was not really "common", but some people made it. I think the illegal part was implied since they weren't allowing people to leave legally.

As for the rest, if you talk to the guy again I think it's a good idea (that someone else mentioned) to ask him if there are women around your age in the group and mention you're looking for a girlfriend, that should clear out any (possible) confusion on his part, without offending him.

Even if the guy is gay, you can still meet nice straight women through him.

Gays don't just hang out with gays.

Technically, "consensual sodomy" was illegal in many states into the 1990s----but these laws were very rarely enforced from the 1970s onward.

I've been working where I'm working now since 1980. The "consensual sodomy" law was in place until very recently. Not one prosecution occurred for "consensual sodomy" since I've been working here.

There happens to be an "adultery" law still in place in New York State.

I am talking about the whole context of my interaction with him. If the unspoken assuption is that the guy brings me along because I am his potential gay partner them this won't be the kind of context where I would be dating the straight girls that happened to be his friends

On the flip side, I read online how straight men pretend to be gay so that straight women would either befriend them (since they aren't seen as a threat) or might even attempt to attract them (because they are seen as a "challenge"). Personally I think it got to be a lot more rare than they claim and they are just pulling our legs. But, even if it did work, I wouldn't go down that rout since having a gay rumor is too big of a price to pay.

^ it’s not unknown for straight people to have gay friends: I spent quite a few pleasant evenings with a lesbian girl at uni.
It was actually really nice, being able to be with a girl with total assurance that there was no possibility of any attraction undercurrent: meant we could just be two people.
Plus the amount of bad treatment gay people gets means there can be a level of shared experience and outlook, which is nice.
I wouldn’t recommend ruling out any possibility of friendship with homosexuals over a speculation about random other people’s thoughts.
(Gay bars can be very loud to the point of being overwhelming, so maybe best not to let yourself get talked into going to one)

They're not going to think you're gay, based on the interaction you presented.

They'll think the other guy is trying to "sell" you on something----namely, his organization.

I used to hang out in a relatively "gay" area in my teens and 20s (Greenwich Village, NYC). I spoke to a lot of gay people. Nobody ever thought I was gay.

My daughter's best friend since she was very young has two fathers. They are my favourite parents of my children's friends.

Ok. I finally read the whole story.

The guy was speaking loudly when he was talking to the folks across the room. And continued to speak loudly when he spoke to you. A gay guy hitting on you would be low key furtive and quiet.

He must be either in a cult or working for Amway. Somekind of pyramid scheme in which he has an assignment to recruit folks. I admit that his behavior is odd. Having leaflets to distribute just to invite folks over to socialize with him, and talk about self improvement or whatever it was. So I am guessing that he is some kind of cult.

There is no "problem" for you to "undo". The staff and patrons of a restaurant aren't gonna think about you at all, except about how well you tip, much less whether or not you're gay. And even if they did think that why do you even give a rats ass? Its not gonna cause you to be stigmatized for life. "Gay rumors" occur a among groups like coworkers, or class mates. The patrons and staff of a retail place you go to aren't gonna think about you enough to bother starting rumors about you.

I think you're too concerned about what other people think. If they try and start 'gay rumors' about people who aren't gay, it just makes them look stupid.

BTW, there were gay rumors about me in high school. This was in a certain subset of the student body. The kids in my classes didn't care and were pretty sure I wasn't gay because I crushed pretty badly on a couple of girls. This was 45 years ago. Still didn't matter to anyone who wasn't in a certain clique which wasn't well-regarded anyway. It was more confusing to me than anything else, because I had a couple of gay friends who were positive I wasn't gay.

In a nutshell: The 'gay rumor' thing is another way of bullying you because you're on the spectrum. Ignore it. Since you're on the spectrum, what do you care about what bullies think, anyway? Be yourself and don't worry about it. Self-confidence deters bullies. Self-doubt attracts them.

NaturalPlastic hit the nail on the head.

All the workers in the restaurant care about is their tip....and that nobody causes a disruption.

Why would that be hypocritical? Surely there is more to Russian culture than just the fact that Russia is still quite homophobic?


Why do you think other people in the room would even have been bothering to listen in on your conversation with this guy at all?


In the U.S.A. there was at least the beginnings of progress on that front in the 1970's. The most educated and most socially tolerant people, at least, were beginning to be in favor of gay rights. And there was a highly visible organized gay rights movement.


Perhaps these people happened to be both Jewish and gay, or perhaps they managed to get political asylum on grounds of other disagreements they had with the Soviet government? Or perhaps they were Soviet spies who decided to turn themselves in? There were lots of people who managed to leave the Soviet Union in various odds and ends of ways, although it was not easy to do so.


The US was different. Certain specific sex acts were against the law, but enforcing these laws was not a high priority most of the time, and it was certainly not a crime to advocate gay rights. I was a gay rights activist in the late 1970's and had no reason to fear getting arrested for that.

Not just Russian culture but any culture thats old. Homosexuality being accepted is a modern phenomenon. So a gay that is interested in, say, 19-th century culture feels like an oxymoron. Thats part of the reason it didn't cross my mind that man might be gay until he actually mentioned gays. Even though he didn't say he was gay, I was just shocked that he found them worthy of even being mentioned. I guess the fact that he is old is probably the biggest reason I was so surprised. I mean if a young person mentioned gays in a positive way then there is nothing surprising about it. But when someone who is like 70 does it, then it feels weird. I would normally assume that 70 year olds retain moral values from the time they were young -- and back then gays weren't accepted.



They might hear without trying to listen, just like I heard him talking to others without really trying to. Of course, maybe they were so involved in the other stuff they totally tuned it out. But how do I know it?



Thats a bit odd since it wasn't de-criminalized until very recently.

When I was raised, I didn't even know its a controversy. I was assuming that unambiguously homosexuality is a bad thing. The first time I heard the opposite opinion was in America, in 1997. Here is what happened. So I was waiting for the history class to start and a couple of girls were teasing each other and calling names, including lesbian. The history teacher interrupted them and said that she just had a meeting regarding homophobia in high school. I didn't say anything but, in my mind, I thought the following two things:

a) Doesn't she realize they aren't using that word literally? They are just playfully teasing each other?

b) Why is she defending gays anyway. Is she gay herself? (I actually didn't know there are non-gay people that defend gays, thats why it felt a bit odd)

I guess you might say that -- since I came to the US in 1994 -- I didn't get a chance to encounter homosexuality issue between 1994 and 1997 -- while in Russia (which is where I was before 1994) it "was" unambiguously a bad thing.

But here is something else that I saw -- in the US. So back in the 90-s there was a Thrifty store, that has been closed off probably in the early 2000-s or something like that. In any case, I liked to go to the Thrifty store and measure my blood pressure. My blood pressure is normal, I just liked to see how it fluctuates. In any case, on the blood pressure machine there was a "guide to good health" and they listed various diseases. Among them was homosexuality. Now, that was probably around 1996 or so.

But then in the 1997 there was that incidence that I described with the history teacher. And then after that incident with the history teacher I heard lots of stuff about "tolerance" to gays in all of my humanity classes. But not before.

So I guess, based off of that data, the pro-gay movement became widespread in Berkeley in 1997 (and yes Berkeley is where I was). Now since Berkeley is supposed to be far left, then in the rest of the US it must have been even later than that, or so I would assume.



Perhaps



I am not sure I understand it. Can you elaborate?



Thats a bit ironic. Because in Russia today it is opposite on *both* accounts:

a) It IS a crime in Russia to advocate gay rights -- while in the 1970-s US it wasn't
b) It is NOT a crime in Russia to practice homosexuality -- while in the 1970-s US it was

A bit ironic that those two differences are "opposite" to one another



Are you saying you are gay yourself, or are you saying you are straight and are sympathetic to gays.

Based off of user name, I assumed you are female. Are you cis female or are you trans?

Also what gender are you attracted to?

She’s a straight cis-woman.