Struggling with hating myself for being weird

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My favorite science teacher always told me, "it's cool to be different" and let me know that it's okay. But is it really? I'm writing this in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm at such an emotionally low point these last few weeks because at 26 years old, I still haven't established a solid definition of "normal" when it comes to society, my peers and pop culture. I grew up with dark, mystical, fantasy, supernatural content. I'm one of those people who give off "witchy" vibes. I started listening to My Chemical Romance before I started middle school. I've been in the Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Vampire Diaries etc. fandoms. All of this was normal to me. What's great about the internet is that you can find and connect with others "like you", who share your interests. And I did for a while, but times have changed. Now, everything's been flipped upside down with purity culture. Are we, as a society, regressing to Puritanism? Is "dark" content considered off-limits now? I'm finding that people who are into the same things I am are dying out and becoming harder to find, unless that's become morally not kosher and I didn't get the memo. I resent purity policing and cancel culture because of how much it's changed things and it's almost like I'm experiencing culture shock. We have censorship, fierce and cutthroat social justice and it's so difficult to discern what's okay and what's not anymore. I expressed this to my mother, who knows I'm on the spectrum but it still behooves her that I don't act or function the way she thinks I ought to and my neurodivergence annoys her so she has little compassion to spare and I don't know why I bother. I should just give up and stop trying to get her to understand me because if she hasn't for 26 years, she never will. But I feel like I can't connect with any of my peers. Older adults, absolutely, but if I try vibing with people my own age, I'm the odd one out and ostracized or shunned and it's obvious but I feel like there's this unspoken secret to the universe that people are consciously not letting me in on and it's so distressing and even crushing and hurtful. I thought I didn't care what people think and loved myself, always did my own thing but is it my interests that are too eccentric and stupid? Does nobody care about the things that I like? I thought it was easier to make friends and socialize on the internet because it's much more vast and surely there are fandom communities like stan twitter etc., and I spent the last several years of my life RPing on Tumblr but now I can't even get people to write with me and my friends are ghosting me for no reason and it feels like I'm being punished for having done something wrong and I can't figure it out or "guess". I've never done well with the silent treatment. Is it me? Am I simply too weird? And if that's the case, I hate it because I can't change no matter how hard I try. I've gone through the whole masking deal in high school, faked several identities and bounced from clique to clique craving some sense of belonging even with the most toxic teens who were never my friends, dressed in their clothes and listened to their music even though it wasn't me and I didn't like it just to see if things would change and that never worked out, so I'm exhausted and stopped trying to "be normal" a long time ago. They still sense my neurodivergence and react to me like I'm gross or have some disease, and now it's even on the internet where I can truly be myself and that's extra insulting. It just hurts wondering if I'm so far removed from what's considered socially acceptable in ways that I can't help and I'm just so sad because of it. All I want to do is cry.

What kinds of interests are considered "normal"? I like bands (mostly 80's rock), Stranger Things, Supernatural, mythology, ancient history and art, poetry and fashion. I don't like TikToks or KPop or whatever else people are consuming, but just how "weird" am I? I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it and not being able to connect with my peers because I'm different. I know that's inevitable when I have Asperger's, but I'm just... so sad and heartbroken over it. I just feel like sobbing my eyes out. Does anyone else ever break down and get this way?

There are a few words that absolutely trigger me if said to me, and it is not normal. I wish I could learn to be more mindful about it but I can't. If these words are said to me, it keeps repeating over and over in my mind and just sparks off anger and offense. But these are words that are part of our general language vocabulary so getting upset when they are said to me is pretty weird and daft. It's a bit like getting upset whenever someone says the word "the". Maybe I should dig the CBT books I have back out and see if I can use them to change the way I think, so that I can be normal about these certain words being said to me instead of getting immensely offended.

The things I hate are being told to sshh, being told to stop moaning and receiving age-related criticism.

So if someone said all 3 to me in one sentence, such as, "sshh! Stop moaning, you're like a little kid!", it might be like throwing fuel on to a fire.

But this is most definitely not fair on other people to have to basically have a list of things they can and cannot say to me to keep the peace. That is just wrong of me and I seriously need to deal with my problem. It's not them, it's me.

There are a few words that absolutely trigger me if said to me, and it is not normal. I wish I could learn to be more mindful about it but I can't. If these words are said to me, it keeps repeating over and over in my mind and just sparks off anger and offense. But these are words that are part of our general language vocabulary so getting upset when they are said to me is pretty weird and daft. It's a bit like getting upset whenever someone says the word "the". Maybe I should dig the CBT books I have back out and see if I can use them to change the way I think, so that I can be normal about these certain words being said to me instead of getting immensely offended.

The things I hate are being told to sshh, being told to stop moaning and receiving age-related criticism.

So if someone said all 3 to me in one sentence, such as, "sshh! Stop moaning, you're like a little kid!", it might be like throwing fuel on to a fire.

But this is most definitely not fair on other people to have to basically have a list of things they can and cannot say to me to keep the peace. That is just wrong of me and I seriously need to deal with my problem. It's not them, it's me.

Self-love is awesome, and no, I'm not referring only to the obvious.
RuPaul has a saying, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anyone else?"

I figure that is job #1 we have each and every day. We must choose to ourselves. Not just in thoughts but deeds, like making our lives easier, taking care of body and mind, and allowing an infinite number of mistakes.

Would that I could just shut it off to live in Nirvana-level self-love.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the underlying source of all of the sentiments expressed in this thread caring about what others think? Not caring would be awesome, but then there would be no motivating interest to connect with people, no? Isn’t weirdness identified by people outside of yourself anyway? I’m not too weird for MYSELF

There are a few words that absolutely trigger me if said to me, and it is not normal. I wish I could learn to be more mindful about it but I can't. If these words are said to me, it keeps repeating over and over in my mind and just sparks off anger and offense. But these are words that are part of our general language vocabulary so getting upset when they are said to me is pretty weird and daft. It's a bit like getting upset whenever someone says the word "the". Maybe I should dig the CBT books I have back out and see if I can use them to change the way I think, so that I can be normal about these certain words being said to me instead of getting immensely offended.

The things I hate are being told to sshh, being told to stop moaning and receiving age-related criticism.

So if someone said all 3 to me in one sentence, such as, "sshh! Stop moaning, you're like a little kid!", it might be like throwing fuel on to a fire.

But this is most definitely not fair on other people to have to basically have a list of things they can and cannot say to me to keep the peace. That is just wrong of me and I seriously need to deal with my problem. It's not them, it's me.

You should try being called a spastic s**t c**t ret*d f**kwit on basically a daily basis for a few years and imagine the psychological damage this does to anyone. NT's included.. let alone someone who's Autistic. I'm surprised I'm still breathing. When death comes knocking I'll be the first to open the door to welcome it! I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to live. (6 out of 7 days anyway) people wonder why I want to numb myself further with substances. Even a f**kwit ret*d (me according to society) can understand that!

You should try being called a spastic s**t c**t ret*d f**kwit on basically a daily basis for a few years and imagine the psychological damage this does to anyone. NT's included.. let alone someone who's Autistic. I'm surprised I'm still breathing. When death comes knocking I'll be the first to open the door to welcome it! I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to live. (6 out of 7 days anyway) people wonder why I want to numb myself further with substances. Even a f**kwit ret*d (me according to society) can understand that!

You should try being called a spastic s**t c**t ret*d f**kwit on basically a daily basis for a few years and imagine the psychological damage this does to anyone. NT's included.. let alone someone who's Autistic. I'm surprised I'm still breathing. When death comes knocking I'll be the first to open the door to welcome it! I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to live. (6 out of 7 days anyway) people wonder why I want to numb myself further with substances. Even a f**kwit ret*d (me according to society) can understand that!

Here's a fun secret: There is no "normal". It is a contemporary, socially implemented construct created to control behavior, both in subconscious and conscious ways. Its all relative and completely subjective depending on how, who, and what you're around. Its not all bad; it can implement commonality for appropriate behavior, for creating safer environments, for creating order in how we approach and interact with one another. The flip side is that the idea of "normal" tends to demonize, taboo, stigmatize superflous aspects of human nature to create an unecessarily staggered social hierarchy.

And to the latter point enlies your struggle. Most people will not admit, nor perhaps even realize, how much of their opinion is biased on the acceptability and/or popularity of their peers. There are countless psychological experiments to confirm this.

This is a quote I saved by a user on Instagram (acct : philosophyideas)

"The crowd is too volatile and primitive in opinions to give us unique values. Independent thinking results from self-exploration of the world, which is automatically rejected by the most popular trend. "

In my experience, there will always be a tension between your authentic self and trying to connect with the masses. The best you can do is keep working on yourself, develop confidence and your social skills, be kind, and if there's not a connection, find other people, move if you can, get involved in clubs or mutual interests groups, so forth.

Another quote that comes to mind,

"Great spirits have always faced violent opposition from mediocore minds".

It takes great courage to combat a world bound in brainwashing and conformity. I wish you the best of luck. Take pride in the fact that taking the individualistic route is something to be proud in, even if you are the only person to appreciate it.

My favorite science teacher always told me, "it's cool to be different" and let me know that it's okay. But is it really? I'm writing this in the middle of an emotional breakdown, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm at such an emotionally low point these last few weeks because at 26 years old, I still haven't established a solid definition of "normal" when it comes to society, my peers and pop culture. I grew up with dark, mystical, fantasy, supernatural content. I'm one of those people who give off "witchy" vibes. I started listening to My Chemical Romance before I started middle school. I've been in the Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Vampire Diaries etc. fandoms. All of this was normal to me. What's great about the internet is that you can find and connect with others "like you", who share your interests. And I did for a while, but times have changed. Now, everything's been flipped upside down with purity culture. Are we, as a society, regressing to Puritanism? Is "dark" content considered off-limits now? I'm finding that people who are into the same things I am are dying out and becoming harder to find, unless that's become morally not kosher and I didn't get the memo. I resent purity policing and cancel culture because of how much it's changed things and it's almost like I'm experiencing culture shock. We have censorship, fierce and cutthroat social justice and it's so difficult to discern what's okay and what's not anymore. I expressed this to my mother, who knows I'm on the spectrum but it still behooves her that I don't act or function the way she thinks I ought to and my neurodivergence annoys her so she has little compassion to spare and I don't know why I bother. I should just give up and stop trying to get her to understand me because if she hasn't for 26 years, she never will. But I feel like I can't connect with any of my peers. Older adults, absolutely, but if I try vibing with people my own age, I'm the odd one out and ostracized or shunned and it's obvious but I feel like there's this unspoken secret to the universe that people are consciously not letting me in on and it's so distressing and even crushing and hurtful. I thought I didn't care what people think and loved myself, always did my own thing but is it my interests that are too eccentric and stupid? Does nobody care about the things that I like? I thought it was easier to make friends and socialize on the internet because it's much more vast and surely there are fandom communities like stan twitter etc., and I spent the last several years of my life RPing on Tumblr but now I can't even get people to write with me and my friends are ghosting me for no reason and it feels like I'm being punished for having done something wrong and I can't figure it out or "guess". I've never done well with the silent treatment. Is it me? Am I simply too weird? And if that's the case, I hate it because I can't change no matter how hard I try. I've gone through the whole masking deal in high school, faked several identities and bounced from clique to clique craving some sense of belonging even with the most toxic teens who were never my friends, dressed in their clothes and listened to their music even though it wasn't me and I didn't like it just to see if things would change and that never worked out, so I'm exhausted and stopped trying to "be normal" a long time ago. They still sense my neurodivergence and react to me like I'm gross or have some disease, and now it's even on the internet where I can truly be myself and that's extra insulting. It just hurts wondering if I'm so far removed from what's considered socially acceptable in ways that I can't help and I'm just so sad because of it. All I want to do is cry.

What kinds of interests are considered "normal"? I like bands (mostly 80's rock), Stranger Things, Supernatural, mythology, ancient history and art, poetry and fashion. I don't like TikToks or KPop or whatever else people are consuming, but just how "weird" am I? I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it and not being able to connect with my peers because I'm different. I know that's inevitable when I have Asperger's, but I'm just... so sad and heartbroken over it. I just feel like sobbing my eyes out. Does anyone else ever break down and get this way?

I'm going to save your post in my notes for further reflection. Thank you for giving me something I personally find empowering.