Husband has Aspergers. I need help.

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This sounds abusive. A relationship needs to be reciprocal. I would look for support for yourself--don't wait to the last minute. You can also see if you can improve your relationship to your husband, but still seek help for yourself.

Any levels of abuse can lead to C PTSD or any sort of trauma if the behavior is continuous. It is not something to be tolerated just because someone has a mental disorder or some sort of impairment.

If you have to walk on eggshells or tip toe around someone to keep them from being triggered where they will do abuse, that is an abusive relationship and not a healthy one either.

Let's clarify something because maybe it's just a miscommunication:

Various forms of "difficult character" are not deal breakers as long as they are consistently managed on non-abusive level.

Abuse is never tolerable. Sometimes adressing one's behaviors is enough to keep some potentially dangerous tendencies at bay - but you need a really good network of support to sustainably live like that. If your partner tries to isolate you from your support network, run for your life!

Also, the "airplane oxygen mask rule" holds for mental health: help yourself first.

I really hope that all is sorted and gone well and that the marriage is saved with all parties thrilled at the outcome. I hate it when things go wrong and love it when things go right.


The Goaty "Moderator Quote of the Year Award" goes to Magz for these wize words of wisdom...

I started reading this thread from the bottom. There’s a caricature of internet users that their solution to every spousal issue is divorce. I thought I would try to put myself in the husband’s shoes to see if I could understand or emphasise with his behaviour.

The truth is, the users calling this abuse were absolutely not exaggerating. This is not acceptable behaviour, autistic or not. His treatment of you and your cat is outright cruel, and he is making you and your son feel unsafe. I strongly advise that you seek divorce and full custody. This is not an easy route, but the easy route is not safe. I don’t know much about you, but I know you don’t deserve to be treated like that, because nobody does. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

While it is possible that autism could have played a role in some stages of this process, it certainly isn’t the cause. This is not a case of a bad miscommunication, this is a case of someone treating you badly either deliberately or through wilful negligence.

It isn’t your job to fix your partner. There are some issues you can work through. This particular issue, where he clearly has zero regard for your emotional well-being? No.

People talk about apportioning blame. That isn’t relevant here. Even if you are secretly also abusing him and hiding it from us, that does not justify his behaviour and it is not a reason for you to stay together.

I cannot know everything about your situation, but based on what you have said, I think it would be best for all three of you

Reading the topic from the end, too:
He's threatning divorce. Call his cards.

I grew up with an "explosive" uncle I otherwise loved and I learned how to manage a man with such tendencies - it requires an ability to stand the first wave of his anger without reaction and only after he calms down, calmly, innocently and matter-of-fact-way adress what he did and if he really meant this.

Enviro made a very important point: after such a meltdown, he's feeling ashamed of his own behavior. If it is true for your husband too, that's good, that means it was just a meltdown and all you both need to do is some damage control. But if the shame over one's own loss of control is coated by a thick layer of psychological defenses - blaming, projecting, denial etc. - it won't get better without a lot of work from his side and a good mental health professional.

Don't "smooth things out" - that would be a codependent behavior ultimately making things worse. Read up codependence, it's a trap for good people. Set clear boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not and don't be afraid to call his cards, including police involvement or divorce.

I don't know you, I don't know your husband, so I have no idea if what works for me could ever work for you. That's what has worked for me when dealing with my nearest and dearest sinking into mental unhealthiness.

Anyway, you are not responsible for your husband. Remember the plane oxygen mask rule. Care for yourself first, then for your child. Only when you're both safe, you can do anything meaningful about your husband.