Struggles with 18-year old ASD son

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I think he does want to go to college. He has expressed interest in one of his classes and wants to do study-abroad (Germany or maybe Costa Rica).

Nevertheless, this first semester has been very hard. His math teacher piles on tons of work, and that is my son's weakest area. I am just trying to get him through the first semester. But I do hear what you are saying about basically doing college for him--it feels like that sometimes.

All of his stress and problems become my problems. He had a math exam this morning and couldn't find his prescription sunglasses in order to drive--so I am turning the house upside down looking for them, when I should have been at work. Meanwhile, I am yelling at him, which makes me feel like a crappy dad.

We are a relatively well-off family. I cannot even imagine what it would be like trying to deal with two kids on the spectrum with minimal financial resources and with both parents working. I am completely overwhelmed at times, even though we put in years of ABA therapy (much of which I had to pay for completely, as insurance didn't cover it), therapists, medications (anxiety), etc. It has taken a toll on my mental health as well--and I am likely on the spectrum myself, with mild ASD or something like it.

My biggest fear is my son dropping out and being unemployable.

Finding a supportive academic advisor or teacher would be good. (I wish I had done more of that at my workplace the past decades.)

Just b/c a person doesn't get on the fast track, they can still do very well. I have ASD-like colleagues who were able to get on the fast track and are now big in the tech industry. I floundered and although I am not big like them, I have done well for myself and my family. In some ways, maybe better. Who's to say?

As (an ASD) primary caretaker of two young children and primary financial provider, I get overwhelmed many times a day. As I seek ways to regulate my emotions, I am honest with them about it and make repairs often. I would rather they understand and are frustrated by my overreactions than confused or ashamed with themselves. Of course the ideal is less outbursts on my part, but life is not ideal. Kids will give us credit for the effort we make to recover from and repair our mistakes. So the yelling knocks you down, but the repairs bring you up. My ASD daughter just ranked me as an 8 on the parenting scale (of 10). My calmer NT husband gets 7½. It's not all about the disregulated moments, there's far more to it. Hang in there!! !

I’m not saying that he should or will flunk out…..but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he did. The problem would be if he decided college wasn’t for him. The vocational education system in the US leaves a lot to be desired.

One of my nephews flunked completely out of college (I don’t believe he’s on the Spectrum, though he’s a computer whiz). Then he went back about six months later to a different college, and it was relatively smooth sailing till he got his degree at 23. He didn’t graduate with honors, but he did graduate.

I feel you are not addressing the elephant in the room. Right now you are his support system. What will become of him once you are gone?

My son is in the same position in life. I did spend many hours with ABA and skill building services but non of it stuck.

Instead of criticizing his poor planning, practice planning with him, and do things to help him improve his planning skills. For example, I know of a father who did it very wrong (NOT YOU, this is only an example) -- he frequently criticized his son's lack of planning skills, but actually the father should be blamed rather than the son, because this father NEVER practiced planning skills with his son. He only criticized, and never tried to help his son LEARN how to plan. Please note, I'm not describing you. Just a relevant example.


Ask him if he'd like to join a club that focuses on something that is already one of his favorite interests. For example, if his favorite interest is model trains, then ask him if he'd like to join a model train club, including in-person activities, not only online.


Is that really his fault alone? Many schools force students to complete boring assignments on useless topics. Teachers often ignore the most important subjects in life. Necessary life-skills are often ignored or deprioritized in schools in favor of unhelpful obscure academic topics.

Some old-style teachers even believe it's perfectly acceptable and "normal" to use low-level forms of psychological violence to force students to learn "for their own good". This is harmful for students, and it kills their motivation to learn.


So what? That's not a bad thing. That's just a difference between your personality and his personality.


So what? More likely, he does have an interest in sports, but not the particular sports you're interested in. You also mentioned he likes hiking. Hiking counts as a sport. In your opinion, hiking isn't a sport, but this is merely a difference of opinion, not a reason to fight him.


So what? There's nothing wrong with disliking tennis. I hate tennis. I hate it so much. But you like it, and that's totally fine. I can respect your opinion about tennis, and you can respect your son's opinion about tennis, although the opinions are different. No reason to fight about it.


So what? This is the same as the tennis issue. There's nothing wrong with your son's disinterest in tennis, religion, etc. People are allowed to have different personalities and different opinions. A son is not sick just because he dislikes tennis.


Actually these topics CAN lead to meeting people, but I understand you might have the bad luck of not having particular clubs or events in your particular town/city. Sometimes it's pot luck.


No interests at all, or no interests that you're willing to accept as valid interests? On one hand, your message says "no interests", but on the other hand, you explicitly mentioned some of his interests -- you wrote "He likes film, anthropology and cultural studies, and a few other academic things", and "He has the following interests: hiking & nature, anthropology, culture, linguistics (to some degree), history, and dogs. He also likes cinema."

Those are interests. He has plenty of interests.

Do you want an honest answer, or a "polite" answer? It sounds like the majority of your complaints could be merely complaints about the difference between his personality and your personality, but these differences aren't true problems and don't need to be fixed. However, you did also mention poor planning skills, which is a real problem to fix. Mutual practice/teaching is helpful for improving planning skills.

There is a big difference between saying "I believe discrimination is bad" versus actually not discriminating against people. Nearly everyone engages in discrimination, at least to some degree, despite being convinced that discrimination is wrong. This includes myself, but at least I'm trying to limit it, whereas many people don't even try.


Could you be criticizing someone who suffers from depression, instead of helping him heal his depression? What's the cause of the depression?


Are you sure the "constant attention to keep him on track" isn't causing more harm than good?


Please note, I'm not talking about you. I don't know your details. I'm just talking about parents in general, not you. It's common for parents to favor one child over the other. This favoritism is detrimental to the child or children who feel unfavored and unloved.

Parents often give their child 100% of the blame, but in reality, the parents and the child share 50/50 responsibility. I'm a father. Whenever I blame my child, I should also blame myself for half of it, and then we should work together to solve OUR PROBLEM, NOT HIS PROBLEM.

That's the key. A child's problems are NOT his problems. They're OUR problems -- parent and child are BOTH responsible for solving it. Same deal in a marriage: When a husband and wife argue/fight with each other, they are BOTH to be blamed; it's both their fault, and they're both responsible for fixing it together. Putting 100% of the blame on the other partner is detrimental. Likewise putting 100% of the blame on a child is detrimental.

It's also important to recognize when problems aren't really problems at all, rather they're differences of opinion/personality. Nobody is sick just because he dislikes tennis.

It's also important to recognize that ALL humans have illnesses of some kind or to some degree. Nobody is an exception to this. It's biologically impossible to be 100% healthy in both body and mind. So, a child is not 100% healthy, but neither are the parents. Any parent anywhere who thinks he or she is 100% healthy is not acknowledging the real world. We all have problems. That's the nature of humans.

He doesn't get to pick or choose his own interests, but finding stuff around his special interests can definately help with socialising and executive dysfunction.

You can use *his* special interests as a starting point and branch out from there.

From hiking, you can go into bare-footing, bush racing, trail blaising, and look for groups in and around there.

He loves cinema? Do a prop making it movie makeup course with him, if he is into fantasy shows, he could follow it up with learning how to make movie monsters, chainmail and latex boffers, and get into something like larp or medieval rattan fighting. He might hit it off at prop making or movie monster studios with people there of he gets really into it with them.

Always use those special interests as a initial starting point.

If he is very smart at a subject, he might consequently be doing very bad in it. see if something can't be worked out to have grades based on testing. He doesn't have a disability to *learning*, he has a disability to how *all of you people* decide grades representing learning should be tracked, instead of actually just checking if things are learned via tests and basing grades on that.

ADD can coincide with autism. The prof might be talking too slowly and poorly. I've heard about success for ADD with recording the voice and playing it back at a faster speed later.

Post secondary degrees also aren't so valuable these days. There was a huge generational push into secondary education, the job market is overly saturated with kids with degrees instead of practical experience, so unless he needs it for something very specific he wants to do, a degree might not be a good thing.

If your son was meant to be a masterful prop maker, making Thor's mjolnirs, creating Ridley Scott's aliens, or Evil Dead chainsaw hands, than what is the point of the degree, other than to bust him down teaching him he can't succeed on his own in an education that doesn't know how to handle teaching anyone that is an automatically, already easy student?

I just logged in for the first time in a while....the OP's son (and some of the other kids described here) sounds exactly like my son. I haven't finished reading all the posts yet, but I just wanted to say I am relieved that my kid isn't the only one.

lol i just excitedly went directly to the end of this thread to add that my son is exactly the same way... only to see that I already posted that. D'oh!

Just sitting here smiling that despite getting very quiet this forum still helps people in similar situations connect.

My son is 21 and just got dismissed for academic reasons. He failed both classes he was taking - what might have been his senior year and last semester. He was taking a light load so only two classes. The hope was this would allow him extra study time in both and reverse the downward trend in his grades. He is now working - only part time - in an Amazon warehouse while we figure out what to do. The rule is if you fail more than two thirds of your classes that is an automatic dismissal. Both of two counts. He has to take (and pass - and do well) a class someplace else to reapply for readmission.

We are examining options now. He never joined any clubs. They only job he could find on campus was dishwashing at the cafeteria (which we were glad for - at least he had to leave his dorm occasionally) He wanted to work at the Library. The never had a place for him. Fear and anxiety - and poor time management and project management seemed to ruin other opportunities. There was one prof he liked who had some animal related jobs - but there were many steps needed to get the job.

Yes, animals are his special interest and books and books about animals.

He did just take one Horseback Riding Lesson. He payed for it with his Amazon warehouse money. I consider this to be a big win.

Anyway. Stay tuned.

"Takes a long time to complete assignments in school (zones out), and we have to stay on him relentlessly. That isn't helping obviously." -relate deeply and one of the reason why school was absolute torture and hell to me. I'd try so hard and couldnt retain information and focus, id get so tired that id pass out on my books and the only highlights of my days were that torturous lack of success. It's very depressing and takes away all hope and esteem.

Whatever doesn't work, doesnt work. My psychologist suggested to me when I was dating my ex on the spectrum that even if things are written in the book, if they dnt work they dont work, because written things dont work on every individual. You need another approach and it's docummented if you encourage and not criticize a child with their homework they will do better. Even if they have ADHD, which tends to be a heavy diagnosis often comorbid with Autism. But then there is autistic hyperfocus, which acts similar to ADHD hyperfocus, making the tasks harder if theres no fun involved or they dislike that subject. People on the spectrum can have an interest in some subjects but most others are dreadful. So there's a lot of hardship and your expectations and pressure should lower, support increase. When I say support I mean encouraging words and offering space, offering guidance without refering to the person, in a neutral way. I mean soothing.

Now theyre a teen entering adulthood, you have to give personal space for them to do their business and their homework and avoid imposing on what they gotta do, they want to be their own person.

I think theyre trying, much more than most autistic people, if theyre actually getting involved and asking for your external help to learn and create social networks. Most people dont even bother because they think its useless, others because theyre like 70 and tried their whole lives without success to make friends. I think he wants to become independent and successful, but the road to friendship for him is too much to deal with so he sees chance in getting external help. Maybe you can pay someone to teach him and help him out instead if its too much. Maybe you can let him go to autistic meetings. I'm not sure if he'd be able to do all tasks necessary on his own, and I think it gives him courage and reason to have someone to go to if in need. Autistic people also dont understand social stuff.

"3. Struggles with driving a bit, although he has his license. Limits where he can go to some degree --can't drive on the highway. Again, dependent on me for this." - I had an ex on the spectrum and he had a very hard time driving, it was an accident waiting to happen. Because the anxiety and stimuli income was so great, he was never in control of the wheel. Stimuli sensitivity or low latent inhibition is when people see so much more than what normal people see, and with the processing of that, some present processes may be lost and overwhelm may result. I really dont know what the suggestion for this could be, so that he can live life unimpaired by this. Would he be eligible for financial support given its so difficult for him to get through in life? Then maybe he could regularly pay someone to drive him. But if hes handling some ways, its better than nothing. Anxiety and relaxation medication is also medication that doesnt allow driving of cars, but ADHD medication (maybe plants) could actually improve his focus and also help with the anxiety as rhodiola does for some people. He needs to drive more, maybe, in places that arent so stressful to him like highways. He's still very young. That might bring him more comfort and confidence at the wheel. Do it just for fun on an empty track regularly.

My 21 year old son had problems driving. He was always scared of an accident. One day driving alone he was T-boned at a corner of a little side street and a big state highway. He stopped at the Stop sign but could not see well because of tall hedges. The Stop sign was really too far back to be practical. He followed the letter of the law by stoping, but didn’t “not enter the intersection until you are sure no other cars are close enough to pose a hazard”. Which is to say he didn’t creep forward and stick his nose out to see the other car barreling along not looking for him. He drove into the intersection and was struck squarely in the driver’s side door in the little Prius by a big fast moving SUV. Airbags. He wasn’t injured but was scared. The driver of the other car was - i kid you not - a lawyer. He said all the right things and got my son to say all the wrong things to the Cop he called.

I think what Rexi said about sensory hypersensativity resulting in overload is part of it for him. I really do. Attention being drawn away from the road by the pictures and sounds being played back inside his hyperactive mind may be another. Anxiety can also cause fight-or-flight-or-freeze can also result in over or under reacting which can interfere with even good reflexes.

We followed up with - replacing the car (it was totalled), and getting him ADHD meds (needed for school, maybe - life or death, definitely) and hiring a professional driving school who specialized in anxious drivers and refresher courses for drivers who had had an accident. One thing they did was to ask him about the accident and then take him to a similar corner and practice.

I have to add something, after posting that I read some anxiety medication is okay for driving, and can be taken just before getting into the car for driving anxiety.

^ His exact “cocktail” includes a SSRI as well as a SNRI (selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibiter) - the first helps with anxiety and depression type symptoms the second with adhd - but it was also originally developed as a atypical-antidepressant so has a positive effect on mood. I am on a similar set of meds. I also use caffeine (in the form of diet peach snapple iced tea - i buy it by the case) to help focus and alertness when i drive long distances. My son doesn’t like caffeine in any form (we tried it in every form - it may trigger anxiety for his biochemistry) so none for him. “Pills don’t teach skills” which is why we coupled professional training with the meds.
My son now drives an hour to work each day - he doesn’t like it but he can do it.

I suspect OP must be in panic mode not to see this?