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Sometimes people say extreme things when upset/angry

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Joe90
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19 Jun 2023, 5:43 am

KitLily wrote:
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I don't want to be rude, Joe, but you said you get on better with people in real life than online. Well that's the impression I got anyway. Would it be better to spend more time with real life people?

I don't want to sound like I'm sending you away or anything :heart:


Well, I do. It's just I like to come here too but it's difficult now with my reputation. If I make a mistake again or don't like someone's post they just yell "here you go again!" which is very aggravating. It's a bit like years ago when I used to have outbursts at home, and when I was just calmly expressing my feelings my family would yell "oh don't start again!" assuming I was going to have one of my moments, and them saying that actually triggered me into one.

I can't make friends that well offline though, even though I'm likeable.


I'm always amazed when you say how well you understand offline people with body language and expressions and subtle meanings etc. I've got little hope of that.

I was told some years ago to 'go where you feel good', which means everywhere you can- offline and online. So I gradually realised which places make me feel bad and which make me feel good, and I stick to the good ones now.

I don't think it's your problem finding it difficult to make friends. Nearly everyone I know online finds it difficult. Maybe that is why we go online, but surely that can't apply to everyone. I think today's society with the focus being on making money and not making communities, is hurting us all. Everyone is on their own track, we don't actually need other humans now, because we can get whatever we want at the click of a button. It's making friendship very difficult because that's the only thing we can't get online.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant! But it's not just you who struggles making friends. I used to have lots of offline friends before I was about 35, where did they go...

It baffles me how people are often upset by you in real life but on here you are one of the tactfulest members here, even when you say "I don't want to be rude but..." you're not actually being rude. :) :heart:


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babybird
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19 Jun 2023, 2:53 pm

KitLily wrote:
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Yeah maybe we should discuss this at my next session. I have behaviour issues so I'm used to apologising.


I used to apologise a lot but as I got older I started realising actually I'm allowed to have feelings, needs, wants and I don't have to apologise for every single thing. Just when I am clearly wrong.


So I did apologise to him today. I told him that I wanted to apologise for being hostile towards him and that I know I'm a c**t and he doesn't deserve that. He told me that people who have suffered trauma do sometimes react aggressively in situations where people who haven't been through such things can brush things off easier.

He didn't really want an apology off me but he accepted it anyway.


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KitLily
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20 Jun 2023, 5:57 am

LittleZiggy wrote:
I don't think it's just an autistic thing to have difficulties making friends as you get older. I just think it's because for some people as they get older they just have more defences.


I know why I find it hard, apparently I'm too blunt, too candid, too direct etc.

But I don't know how to be anything else. I have read that people like straightforward people who tell them how it is. But this is a lie. People do NOT like straightforward people. They like ones who flatter, and make the truth more palatable, and go round the houses saying whatever it is. I can't do that at all.

And people who tell me to be more tactful do not realise, THIS IS ME BEING TACTFUL. I can stop being tactful if they want, and they'll get my uncensored opinion? But they don't want that, believe me!


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KitLily
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20 Jun 2023, 5:59 am

Joe90 wrote:
It baffles me how people are often upset by you in real life but on here you are one of the tactfulest members here, even when you say "I don't want to be rude but..." you're not actually being rude. :) :heart:


Thank you. I suppose it's because in real life I don't have thinking time of how to put things tactfully and my general facial expression gives away my real thoughts anyway.

It annoys me because so many people say 'I like straightforward, blunt people. I know where I am with them.' But they don't. (see my previous reply to LittleZiggy)


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KitLily
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20 Jun 2023, 6:03 am

babybird wrote:
So I did apologise to him today. I told him that I wanted to apologise for being hostile towards him and that I know I'm a c**t and he doesn't deserve that. He told me that people who have suffered trauma do sometimes react aggressively in situations where people who haven't been through such things can brush things off easier.

He didn't really want an apology off me but he accepted it anyway.


That is really good, well done and well handled! And your man is correct. The more trauma we've been through the more likely we are to react strongly to events. I've noticed that through my life. My own husband pointed this out to me too. He hasn't been through much trauma in life so he is generally calm. Whereas I have been through traumas, so I'm much less calm and more likely to overreact.

I find it very hard to apologise, I am learning to do so as I get older. I think in my case it's because I had the model of my mum, who never apologises because she is never wrong (cough cough cough) She just gets angry and offended if she is in the wrong so I learned that behaviour from her.


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Last edited by KitLily on 20 Jun 2023, 6:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Joe90
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20 Jun 2023, 6:04 am

My lack of friends is, I think, caused by not asking them enough questions about themselves, and lacking in confidence of making the conversation deeper, unless I know the person very well. If I don't know a person very well then it's usually just smalltalk - which you'd think is the right NT way but apparently it isn't. Although social rules aren't supposed to be precise, you apparently have to be precise when interacting with someone for the first time. You can't ask too many questions otherwise you're nosy, but you can't not ask many questions otherwise you're disinterested. You have to find that balance in between otherwise a friendship won't develop. This seems to be the only social interaction I struggle with - first impressions. I need to know if the person is easy to talk to first. Some people are easier to talk to than others.


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20 Jun 2023, 6:09 am

KitLily wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
It baffles me how people are often upset by you in real life but on here you are one of the tactfulest members here, even when you say "I don't want to be rude but..." you're not actually being rude. :) :heart:


Thank you. I suppose it's because in real life I don't have thinking time of how to put things tactfully and my general facial expression gives away my real thoughts anyway.

It annoys me because so many people say 'I like straightforward, blunt people. I know where I am with them.' But they don't. (see my previous reply to LittleZiggy)


I'm the opposite from you - I instinctively know when to be tactful in real life without even having to think about it, and on Facebook too, but on WP I seem to become clueless and weird. You can imagine how frustrating it is for me.


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KitLily
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20 Jun 2023, 6:23 am

Joe90 wrote:
My lack of friends is, I think, caused by not asking them enough questions about themselves, and lacking in confidence of making the conversation deeper, unless I know the person very well. If I don't know a person very well then it's usually just smalltalk - which you'd think is the right NT way but apparently it isn't. Although social rules aren't supposed to be precise, you apparently have to be precise when interacting with someone for the first time. You can't ask too many questions otherwise you're nosy, but you can't not ask many questions otherwise you're disinterested. You have to find that balance in between otherwise a friendship won't develop. This seems to be the only social interaction I struggle with - first impressions. I need to know if the person is easy to talk to first. Some people are easier to talk to than others.


Argh you are so right! Finding that balance between nosy and disinterested. I literally have zero idea of how I come across to people and whether they like me or not. Some seem to be intimidated, I dunno. I have no idea if I seem nosy or disinterested. Personally, I think I make a lot of effort to make friends but I suspect most people think the opposite.

And first impressions, yes! Autistic people struggle to make a good first impression, for whatever reason. And as we know, today's world is totally based on image, appearance and popularity. So if we don't make a perfect first impression, BAM! We are dismissed. People don't wait around these days to see if they like a person. They quickly move on to the next friend.


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20 Jun 2023, 6:35 am

I'm just awkward sometimes, even though I smile and make natural eye contact and even give a compliment. I sometimes make friends but usually it's if they're less shallow and only see you as a nice, friendly person. Usually older people are easier to make friends with, or if it's a guy I have a crush on. If I have a crush I seem to automatically know where that balance is, which is why I don't have much difficulty finding a date (even though I haven't had to for the past 9 years because I'm in a successful relationship).
But making friends with people my age, particularly females, is so difficult unless they're socially awkward too.

When I'm meeting people I like them straight away if they seem friendly and nice. That's all that matters to me. If everyone thought like that then making friends would be easier for everyone.


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KitLily
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20 Jun 2023, 12:20 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I'm just awkward sometimes, even though I smile and make natural eye contact and even give a compliment. I sometimes make friends but usually it's if they're less shallow and only see you as a nice, friendly person. Usually older people are easier to make friends with, or if it's a guy I have a crush on. If I have a crush I seem to automatically know where that balance is, which is why I don't have much difficulty finding a date (even though I haven't had to for the past 9 years because I'm in a successful relationship).
But making friends with people my age, particularly females, is so difficult unless they're socially awkward too.

When I'm meeting people I like them straight away if they seem friendly and nice. That's all that matters to me. If everyone thought like that then making friends would be easier for everyone.


It's like modern society is proving that the one thing we all want- friendship- is almost impossible in the modern world. We can't simply click to get a friend like we do with everything else, we have to put in work and time, which people don't have these days because we're so busy working.

I used to like everyone but I've been hurt too often to be so open now. I'm much more wary now and don't give my heart away easily.


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babybird
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20 Jun 2023, 12:34 pm

You don't have to like everyone. I don't even think you should like most people. Some people are OK and some people you might click with but most people are just like extras in a movie.


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20 Jun 2023, 12:35 pm

Extra! I'm an extra. :jester:


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20 Jun 2023, 12:58 pm

No you've just got a small part


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KitLily
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21 Jun 2023, 6:33 am

babybird wrote:
No you've just got a small part


That's a bit rude, how do you know? :lol: :lol:


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KitLily
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21 Jun 2023, 6:34 am

babybird wrote:
You don't have to like everyone. I don't even think you should like most people. Some people are OK and some people you might click with but most people are just like extras in a movie.


It would be nice if some people liked me though... :cry:


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21 Jun 2023, 6:54 am

I think you're OK KitLily. I'm not sure we'd have a lot in common IRL because I like getting drunk and partying but that doesn't mean I wouldn't chill out at your place and have a brew with you. Hypothetically you understand.


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