how alienated were you?

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Kept myself to myself for the entirety of school. As I’d get in trouble for something frequently, I’d alienate myself for my own protection.

Not alienated.
Not in this culture.

More like it's my choice.
And somehow, on a whim, it's half the time how my mood is.


I don't know.
Being the odd one out didn't prevent me much from being included.

It's this...
This unexplained background frustration that manifests as hate and anger and violence did. It also manifests as if it's a form of immaturity.

This thing I cannot explain since age 6 or less.
This thing that's been influencing most of my actions for most of my life.

This unwarranted emotion that I want to get rid of so badly... It doesn't feel like autism; it feels like something human. Too human. And wrong.

That's what alienates me -- this... Toxic hunger that made me feel torn in two or more directions.

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I grew up in the (certain country's) national academy of science. Every adult I knew had at least a university degree. Being intellectual and nerdy was cool. I had no trouble finding friends who were my type. And nobody cared about sports. Which was not fair either. My brother was an excellent athlete and NT, but his school grades were only average. He was looked down by everyone and ended up with a lot of issues and low self esteem. So no place is perfect.