What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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Head cashier Angela d had the nerve to tell me to sweep the concrete spill in 15 minutes

I've been working there for four years and five months and counting and nobody has ever put a time limit on anything I did

I want to ask a manager but I am afraid that Angela will take out revenge on me

It's nuts when I think that my earliest experiences of relationships are all tied up with sex and violence

i don't even know how I'm even half human

Well, you are still here and are still awesome, bb.

Keep on being strong!

my sister has been telling me she wants to sell the house that i have been living in and i have to move out.

if/when i move out, i am afraid i have to live in a food desert. my dumpster fire "job" only pays minimum wage and i am afraid of getting made redundant every day. no car.

some areas are not convenient to public transportation.

bring my own cart for grocery shopping

there is no way i will be able to carry my own groceries from the store to my house for much longer.

rapidly getting much physically weaker.

grocery costs skyrocketing

my salary is barely too much to qualify for food stamps

food stamps inadequate anyways

do not know how to cook. lazy.

every movement seems to take way too much energy

wanna just lie down and wait until i drop dead

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42 years old. starting 2 years ago, on days off, wake up, eat, stretch, and et cetera. 2 hours after waking up, take a one or two hour nap.

health rapidly getting much worse and was never that great to begin with.

trouble sleeping

emotional overeating

exhausted all the time

feel like i am dying

the woman advised, for not having a cellphone, which the gov requires, -well not the first time gov works for the corp friends, anyway, to take the 'chip' out of an old phone and put it in someone other's cellphone for that action,
but? you can't...?
now a long think is required

It is 3:24 AM, and after a few hours of playing with my phone, I have entered the "reflection" phase. Almost everyone has it, becoming rational late at night, criticizing their past choices, planning their future, becoming proactive and completing all to-do items immediately.
I now have good enough living conditions: living alone, no financial pressure, staying away from annoying people, and chatting with friends and lovers often, but my status still has not taken off as I imagined.I try to buy things to help my status take off: an electric toothbrush and a pillow in the past, vitamins and a diary subscription next, but I know deep down that this preparation is procrastination, and the difference from doing nothing is just a few more bills.
I have almost never lived consciously: accepting the arrangements of the school and my mother and avoiding the punishment of rules is my usual way of life. Being woken up by my mother, waking up naturally or being late are all the options I have chosen, and consciously waking up early is not among them.
"I like this kind of procrastination. Not starting keeps me away from the possibility of failure." I see the reason why I do this.I can say the solution out, write it down on paper, but I just don't do it.All the thinking after I got the coping strategy was excessive and useless. I understood everything but refused to act on it. I was terrible.

My wedding anniversary is on the 24th. After that, there aren’t any unpleasant dates until December. My spring always starts on the 25th. Logically, I know that the 24th shouldn’t bother me, but it still does. It was a bad day.

The fact I need a new Dr. I'm scared of going to new doctors. I'm not much into change. Also not all Drs understand my needs. I may not always communicate my stuff very well.

You should do it! I don't know what you look like irl, but you're I think you're a badass so it would have to suit you.

Just passing through but for WP Members I Miss - TwilightPrincess, recidivist, Isabella, and Raleigh, who I think about often and wish well from far away.

I have flu and I'm depressed a bit and something this week forced me to revisit some trauma I was very cunningly ignoring, so I guess that's put me back in a WP headspace. Which is sad, because I had happy times here, but now when I come back it feels like I'm dipping my toe back into a version of myself that I shouldn't want to be any more. I have literally no one to talk to about the thing that happened, but you can't get your old friends out like discarded toys, and I feel like a bad person for even being here, and obviously for talking about myself because depressed me is SO self-indulgent. Sorry.

This is a thread about other people, and I miss you + sending you love.

Thanks! I think I will.
You’ve certainly been missed by us, too.

At this point, I also miss Recidivist and Isabella. They’ve not been around in a while, but they are often in my thoughts.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well. I’m having a bit of a trauma day myself, so I can relate. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stopping in when you need support and a listening ear. I think many of us have been there at one time or another. IME, trauma does have a way of catching up with you. I seriously burned out after trying to outrun it a couple years ago. Fun times.

I’m glad that they are investigating the possibility of vaccinations changing the body. It can’t hurt to have a fresh set of research to confirm or disprove. It creates dialogue within the autism community as well as the general public.

Up until recently I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't wanted to seriously harm myself

It was so normal for me to feel that way that I didn't even know that that's how I felt until I stopped feeling it....If you get me

I am sorry to hear you have felt this way historically, bb.

Yeah

I used to think I was a bad person
Not necessarily because of doing bad things but because I hadn't done very much of anything at all

But when you think about it how are you supposed to get very much done when you're carrying the weight of the world around on your shoulders

I didn't used to know that until recently either

^ Aw, I am glad you are learning new things so as to feel better about yourself, bb.