The childless choice

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I actually made a thread about being childless without realising this already existed. Sorry about it.

People tell me I'll change my mind all the time. I am actually aromantic, and I'm not interested in the idea of having kids or a partner at all. I've made this choice since I was 9 or 10. What they didn't know was that I actually did change my mind, but it was the reverse to what they're suggesting. I always thought that I'd get married at some point just to be like my parents. Then I suddenly decided at one point that nothing good would come out of that. It was almost as if the biological clock was telling me NOT to reproduce, and I tend to view it that way. I try to explain that to people sometimes, but they often choose to remain stubborn about it and insist that I'll change my mind. I find it odd that they get so angry and personal over a life choice I've already made, or simply something I cannot change. Is this supposed to be convincing? They're the ones who brought up the subject in the first place, and they get angry whenever I say anything other than what they want to hear.

I feel uncomfortable around children, I never know what to say to them, they often look very nervous which makes me nervous and I can't understand half of what they say. So I'm not a fan of kids. I never had any desire to have kids and now I feel like there's too much at stake, if I mess it up I've messed up somebody's life, I wouldn't want to bring a kid into the world and then not be able to care for them properly or not be able to make them happy. I don't feel like my mum loved me very much when I was a child and whether that's the case or whether I'm mistaken, it has left its scars and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my kid turned out the same. So I daren't. Also, I would rather die than give birth. I am worried though that I will end up with somebody who loves me but wanted kids and will be sad because he can't have them. And then I'll feel like a monster.

The question of having children has been a very emotional one for me. I never wanted kids when I was younger and was with someone who felt the same. After I hit my 30s the longing for a family started but my partner said he would never change his mind so after years of wondering what to do I ended things. A few years later when I told my doctor I was thinking of trying to get pregnant they finally took my menstrual problems seriously and I was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. I wasn’t interested in fertility treatments, I thought if I wasn’t healthy enough to get pregnant then I wouldn’t be healthy enough to grow a healthy baby even if I managed to trick my body into getting pregnant. Sometimes it broke my heart but now I’m so happy that it never happened. Going through this burnout is hard enough, I think if I had a child depending on me it might have broken me.

I never connected emotionally with my mom either. I think she also fits somewhere on the spectrum and never knew it, plus she survived some horrible childhood trauma. I read about parents on here who are giving their kids the support and coping skills they need to be happy and I don’t think I could pull it off. I’m just learning what causes my anxiety and shame and I’m trying to develop some self regulation skills for myself. Thankfully my brother had kids.

I found it really hurtful when people kept bugging me about having kids.

Ever since I found out that I would not be inheriting my mum’s partner’s place (he practically raised me like a daughter), since he told me several times I was not his daughter, and since my mum stopped saying she loved me, ignores my calls unless I place my number on withheld, the way my whole family have acted very hateful towards me and basically ditched me, and also purposely scapegoated me and gaslighted me (triggering countless meltdowns, on purpose, to only blame me afterwards and act like my feelings have little meaning, and my wanting to genuinely end my life, having no meaning)...

Even if I considered kids, I don’t trust anyone around me to help me, no matter how convincing they like to believe they sound. My family are compulsive liars. And seeing the way adults dump kids when they grow up, it sickens me. I have no hope to raise kids. People are horrible. They lie and treat you like you are the liar. No, I’m not raising someone like that around a load of sick-minded individuals, thanks. Never. My family have blown it, there is no forgiving them.

I don't know yet I would have to go further in life to find out.

I have. Since i have various mental illnesses aside from aspergers it's the right choice i think.

It would be difficult to be a single parent. If I had contact with my mother, she could look after the child sometimes. But without any support it would be too challenging.

Morally I believe it is wrong to put a child into the world who suffers psychologically because of the DNA I would pass on to them.

I also don't have enough energy.
When I come home I want peace and want to be alone and not look after a family.
I don't want to waste my powers on looking after someone else.
When I had a boyfriend I only stayed with him on weekends, already that became quickly too much for me. When he woke up in the morning he ALWAYS called me on the mobile phone from his bed while I was in his living room, to tell me I should come in the bedroom to open the window and then go make him coffee. It was similar to a looking after a child. Always when he finished breakfast he pushed the empty dish over to me and said he's going to take a s**t now, in the meantime I should clean the table. I was so dumb that I ironed his clothes and cleaned his flat. I don't want to clean for others, not for men and not for children. I had to cut his toe nails even though he didn't have any physical handicap. He said he's not flexible enough. He asked me numerous times to put on his socks. When I refused he said because it arouses him when I get an angry voice. He always called me into the bathroom to hand him his towel after showering or to clean his hairs from the drain when he shaved in the shower.
I am not a nurturer. At least a child can't help it that they need help but I am not going to nurture an adult in addition.

I've always felt more comfortable with children than adults, and it's easier for me to interact with children. I knew I wanted children more than anything from a young age.

I think having enough self-reflection to say having children isn't for you and following through and staying true to yourself despite what society wants you to do is amazing and I completely respect and understand people who dont want to have children.

Thank you, Martianprincess.

I made up my mind at 4 I was never going to have children. Yes, 4. Despite being semi verbal and not all there like my mom thinks, I was able to think. I wanted to do things when I grew up and raising a child was not one of them. I didn't like the idea of marriage very much either. "You mean to tell me, Mother and Father that as soon as I get away from you, I'm just going to have to give up my freedom again for some dude? I think I'll pass that up too."

Homosexuality was VERY looked down upon when I was a kid so I never considered that until later. I was also sheltered and my mother believed there were no good men left in the world. I did meet a man I thought I loved, but when I couldn't answer his questions about if I felt "turned on" by him, he dumped me for a girl who did. I don't even know what emotion I am feeling half the time, so of course I'm not going to know if I feel "turned on" or not....and being pressured into it is defiantly turning me OFF. Let me find things out on my own, dude! Anyway, I think I honestly was just confusing friendship for love. Friends in general were rare for me.

I had a hysterectomy at 23 because my menstrual cycles were so heavy I was becoming anemic. I wanted one when I first started my period anyway. When the doctor said it was a possibly, I begged her to do it. She did and I have NEVER regretted it. I was adopted myself, my brother adopted two children and my ex boyfriend was willing to adopt a child too.

For reasons I do not wish to discuss right now, I didn't finish high school until I was 30. I want to be a veterinarian (special interest...always was....those meerkats were just a distraction). There is no age limit for veterinary school but that doesn't mean you can just drop in any time you want. Having a child would definitely hinder that. I think I would seriously resent my children for preventing me from becoming a veterinarian. I'd rather be happy in my carrier than miserable rasing a child. Said child would probably be miserable with me as a mother. My own mother had has her own issues and was in way over her head trying to raise a special needs child.

I also can't be around children for an extended period of time because I get flashbacks of when I was a child and was bullied by other children. I know the same children who bullied me are adults just like me now, but I still have flashbacks when I see or hear a child who looks or talks similar to how the children who bullied me did.

I decided when I was 8 years old, that I never wanted to get married, or have a boy friend, or have kids. I was on my way home from school at the time. That was more than 5 decades ago, and I never changed my mind. I have always been satisfied with that decision. Besides not wanting any of that, I have always felt that I'd be a terrible wife and mother, so it was for the best. No regrets on my part.

A disabled woman can barely take care of herself, let alone a baby!

Of course I am childless.

Plus, if you can barely stand the pain of donating blood or getting shots, how will you handle nine months of pregnancy and giving birth?!?!?!

Also, what if the fetus has autism, too?! Disability is a fate worse than death. I couldn't inflict it on another person.

In all seriousness...

Years ago, I was on vacation in Florida. There were these really strange people at the hotel from North Carolina who seemed to simultaneously be huge rednecks and huge hippies. They had massive dreadlocks and wore sandals everywhere. Which made for a weird contrast with their pure white trash accents. They were in town for a drum circle or something. I would sometimes vaguely talk to them.

They had a four-year-old son. One day, he saw me in the pool. He jumped in and grabbed me from behind, cause he wanted to play with me. To this day, I can recall the pain of this. I thought someone had bitten me. I thought a dog had attacked me. It was exactly like having teeth sunken (sunk?) into your flesh. (The massive sunburn that I had gotten from the Florida sun didn't help.)

You didn’t know when was coming when that 4-year-old wanted to play. I bet you played with the kid, anyway.


I wish you had a more optimistic view of people. Total pessimism is not justified, and it’s really bad for the pessimist.