Hobbies are part of personality

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KT67
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19 Dec 2020, 10:25 am

Make a new one with trains in...

"Any aspie women like trains?"

She'd get lots of takers from aspie guys who like trains.

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Mountain Goat
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19 Dec 2020, 11:28 am

KT67 wrote:

Make a new one with trains in...

"Any aspie women like trains?"

She'd get lots of takers from aspie guys who like trains.

Do women actually like me? I have to check their sanity if they do!

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Mona Pereth
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19 Dec 2020, 12:27 pm

nick007 wrote:

There was a guy comedian(I forget who) who joked that woman want guys to participate in their hobbies with them. Whereas guys have hobbies to get a break from spending time with women. I'm guessing that joke is based on the sterotype that women are more needy & clingy than guys are. I don't conform to gender sterotypes thou & neither does my girlfriend. I never really considered hobbies a factor when trying to get a relationship. I believe the one hobby both partners need to share is the desire to spend time with each other.

Here's the thing: I can "desire to spend time with" someone only if there are things (outside of just ourselves and each other) that we enjoy doing (or at least talking about) together. Without at least one common interest, it would not even be possible to have an enjoyable first date, much less anything beyond that. I don't "desire to spend time with" anyone out of the blue; I don't "fall in love at first sight." For me, a desire to spend time with someone can arise only out of a history of doing, or talking about, mutually interesting things together. That's not the only requirement, of course, but for me it is an absolute sine qua non.

And, for me, shared interests (along with shared values, compatible life goals, and compatible habits) play an essential role in sustaining a relationship as well.

nick007 wrote:

As I explained in my other post in this thread, you can spend time together while both indulging in your hobbies by yourself. You can keep each other company & talk some while doing your own thing.

I think it's best to have both hobbies/interests you can enjoy together and hobbies/interests you can enjoy by yourselves.

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nick007
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19 Dec 2020, 2:07 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:

Do women actually like me? I have to check their sanity if they do!

I assume that any woman who would like me is at least slightly insane. I'm not sane either thou compared to NTs. Sane people are dull & boring. I want my partner to be crazy into me :bom:

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nick007
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20 Dec 2020, 3:45 am

Mona Pereth wrote:

nick007 wrote:

As I explained in my other post in this thread, you can spend time together while both indulging in your hobbies by yourself. You can keep each other company & talk some while doing your own thing.

I think it's best to have both hobbies/interests you can enjoy together and hobbies/interests you can enjoy by yourselves.

I get what your saying. I don't get the love at 1st site thing either. I need to get to know someone a while. I think we might be using different definitions of the word Hobby. It make me think of leisure activities that you do for fun. You can spend time with others doing things together that you don't necessarily enjoy but you can still like talking to the person about those things. You can get to know people from things like work, school, volunteering, support groups, ect. There are lots of reasons I can like someone that are completely unrelated to their leisure activities & those tend to be the things I like the most about people. I don't like someone because we both like the same TV shows or games or music. I like someone because of the way she accepts me, understand me, listens to me & takes an interest in me, the way she cares about others, way she cares about animals even bugs, the way she cares about the environment. the way she jokes around, the way she values honesty, her sense of loyalty, ect ect. I don't need to enjoy an activity in other to enjoy doing it with a specific someone. I can be so focused on her & the way she is acting that I do not remember a lot of the details about what we were doing.

RetroGamer87
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20 Dec 2020, 6:16 am

Can't get women to take an interest in your hobbies? That's nothing. Lately I can't even get myself to take an interest in my hobbies.

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Mona Pereth
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20 Dec 2020, 5:50 pm

nick007 wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

nick007 wrote:

As I explained in my other post in this thread, you can spend time together while both indulging in your hobbies by yourself. You can keep each other company & talk some while doing your own thing.

I think it's best to have both hobbies/interests you can enjoy together and hobbies/interests you can enjoy by yourselves.

I
get what your saying. I don't get the love at 1st site thing either. I need to get to know someone a while. I think we might be using different definitions of the word Hobby. It make me think of leisure activities that you do for fun. You can spend time with others doing things together that you don't necessarily enjoy but you can still like talking to the person about those things. You can get to know people from things like work, school, volunteering, support groups, ect. There are lots of reasons I can like someone that are completely unrelated to their leisure activities & those tend to be the things I like the most about people. I don't like someone because we both like the same TV shows or games or music. I like someone because of the way she accepts me, understand me, listens to me & takes an interest in me, the way she cares about others, way she cares about animals even bugs, the way she cares about the environment. the way she jokes around, the way she values honesty, her sense of loyalty, ect ect.

These are attributes of the person herself. Liking each other's personalities is an important dimension of a relationship. But there are other important dimensions too, in my opinion.

nick007 wrote:

I don't need to enjoy an activity in other to enjoy doing it with a specific someone. I can be so focused on her & the way she is acting that I do not remember a lot of the details about what we were doing.

But if there aren't any activities you both enjoy in and of themselves (not just the person you're doing them with) or activities that both of you otherwise have a strong emotional investment in (such as volunteer work for a cause you both strongly believe in), then it seems to me that the relationship is missing what, to me, is a crucially important dimension -- the dimension of comradeship/companionship -- the dimension of experiencing things outside yourselves together, as distinct from just experiencing each other.

I'm aware that not everyone values comradeship/companionship in a romantic relationship. I find this baffling. And to me it seems that, other factors being equal, a relationship that includes comradeship/companionship is likely to be more stable than a relationship without it.

BTW, I disagree with the premise of this thread -- that hobbies are a "part of personality." Usually, when people talk about "personality," they just mean interpersonal behavior and attitudes. To me, comradeship/companionship (of which shared hobbies are a part) is a dimension distinct from liking someone's behavior/attitudes (although it's much easier to have comradeship/companionship if you also like the person's behavior/attitudes).

EDIT: In my opinion, a good relationship should entail BOTH of the following:

(1) Intimacy -- an emotional closeness that involves focusing on each other, AND
(2) Companionship/comradeship -- an emotional closeness that involves focusing, together, on things other than the people themselves.

For me, the second of the above two kinds of emotional closeness needs to come first.

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20 Dec 2020, 9:27 pm

nick007 wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

nick007 wrote:

As I explained in my other post in this thread, you can spend time together while both indulging in your hobbies by yourself. You can keep each other company & talk some while doing your own thing.

I think it's best to have both hobbies/interests you can enjoy together and hobbies/interests you can enjoy by yourselves.

I get what your saying. I don't get the love at 1st site thing either. I need to get to know someone a while. I think we might be using different definitions of the word Hobby. It make me think of leisure activities that you do for fun. You can spend time with others doing things together that you don't necessarily enjoy but you can still like talking to the person about those things. You can get to know people from things like work, school, volunteering, support groups, ect. There are lots of reasons I can like someone that are completely unrelated to their leisure activities & those tend to be the things I like the most about people. I don't like someone because we both like the same TV shows or games or music. I like someone because of the way she accepts me, understand me, listens to me & takes an interest in me, the way she cares about others, way she cares about animals even bugs, the way she cares about the environment. the way she jokes around, the way she valuesy honesty, her sense of loyalty, ect ect. I don't need to enjoy an activity in other to enjoy doing it with a specific someone. I can be so focused on her & the way she is acting that I do not remember a lot of the details about what we were doing.

Reminds me of a concern someone had after years when their interests changed, people change in time, and she was wondering if it was still worth it.
But the truth is they have been there for each other in very important moments throughout their life and just because their interests changed doesn't mean the value of their relationship changed.

Then after years of dating especially in long distance relationships where it's specifically focused on talking to each other and less doing activities you end up with not much to talk about, it's normal. Doesn't mean something is wrong

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20 Dec 2020, 9:40 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I know of at least one woman here who is very much into model railroads.

I had a professor once (a woman) who built her own train and "regular gauge" track.

I like toy trains but they're expensive.

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20 Dec 2020, 9:48 pm

sly279 wrote:

Mona Pereth wrote:

sly279 wrote:

You’re very lucky most women don’t play games.

Some games are relatively popular among women. A quick Google search brought up the following pages:

- Female Gamers: 48 Percent of Console Players Now Women - NewsMax
- Top 5 Most Popular Online Games for Women - LoveToKnow
- Top 5 Most Popular Online Games for Women - PrimeSlots
- Which games are women and girls playing? - Polygon
- The Top 10 Online Social Games for Women - Ranker
- Study Shows Which Video Game Genres Women Play Most

It might behoove you to look at the above articles and then decide if any of the mentioned games appeal to you too.

And yet most women won’t dat men who play game and call said men losers
https://www.themodernman.com/relationsh ... games.html

“I broke off a relationship because I realized, as much as he was an incredibly sweet, nice, person his only major interest was gaming. Nothing else evoked any passion in him at all. It was always being the best in the game. It got really tiring and it kinda perturbed me that nothing else seems to make him even remotely interested/excited in the same way.”

“any guy who, by his mid-20s, is still devoting more than an hour or so a week to playing a bunch of pointless video games is most likely to be deadweight in life for the other person.”

“Only time I don't have a problem with it, for adults that play them often is when it is their livelyhood. Eg. reviewers, professional gamers (rare but they do exist).
Even then everything in moderation. In my job If I don't take regular enforced breaks/holidays, its easy to burnout and believe me that ain't much fun.”

This one makes no sense, if guys aren’t suppose to play games then who’s the guy reviewing games for?

Seems women mostly play phone games, but guys who play consoles like PS4 past 18 are losers.

From what I’ve overhear non of the women at work play games and consider men who do losers, I’ve never met or seen women in my area on dating site express video games as hobby.

From what I see, gaming as an interest isn't the issue in those posts. It's the addiction and inability to make time for the person and put in effort.

I also had issues with competing with exes addictions. You just can't. They have to find a way to stop and leave place in their life for important things too, like maintaining a relationship.

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20 Dec 2020, 9:57 pm

Rexi wrote:

People can change in many different ways, besides just their interests changing. Their personalities can change, their capabilities can change (both gaining and losing skills), their beliefs and values can change, their physical appearance changes, and their attraction to each other can diminish.

Hence, in my opinion, a stable relationship needs to be rooted in multiple different things, not just one or a few things, in order to outlast the likelihood that at least some of these things will change.

A history of having been there for each other in very important moments throughout their lives is a big plus, whatever else changes. But it might not be enough, in the long run, if the people change too radically or in too many different ways.

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20 Dec 2020, 10:03 pm

Mountain Goat wrote:

KT67 wrote:

Make a new one with trains in...

"Any aspie women like trains?"

She'd get lots of takers from aspie guys who like trains.

Do women actually like me? I have to check their sanity if they do!

Every time you say stuff like that a kitten dies. Please, save the rest of the kitten world!

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20 Dec 2020, 10:15 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:

Rexi wrote:

I think if Both people keep working hard on their personal issues, it also helps in the long run. It's easier to deal with a person who isn't doing unhealthy things and can build each other up instead of pulling each other down, no matter what changes they face.

Then again there comes a limit to how much one can modify/give into a relationship and still remain happy.

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18 Mar 2024, 6:08 pm

https://youtu.be/NPqPpRJEkOA?si=oeImOobxVYODpOgs

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21 Mar 2024, 11:28 pm

My hobbies are a huge part of my personality. They're a big part of my life. If I had my hobbies taken away from me, I'd be very miserable.

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