Thoughts about friendship

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Mona Pereth. Thanks for taking such an interest in my welfare

You've given me a lot to think about, which I will do. All these discussions on WP with the nice and thoughtful people are really helping me decide what I think about friends and what I want in that area.

It's not the quantity of friends that count, but the quality of your friendships.

Yes, building an online community is a lot of work.

Hopefully you'll eventually be able to find "3 or 4 close friends" within the already-existing autistic community. Here is a list of forums and social media communities for autistic people.

Revisiting this thread because I happened to have occasion to refer to it in another thread.

Back here, I wrote:

P.S.: Regarding what's necessary to build a friendship, from what I've identified as the foundations of friendship, above I mentioned "consistency" (regular or semi-regular interaction) and having compatible views on how to handle disagreements and potential conflicts. It's also helpful to have compatible beliefs and values more generally.

Looking now at another online resource on friendship:

- 5 Requirements for a Strong Friendship by Riley’s Way Council member Giavanna Gambino in partnership with the One Love Foundation.

Their 5 requirements are:

1. Trust
2. Equality
3. Compassion
4. Honesty
5. Independence

My comments on each of these items:

1) Trust: By "trust," they primarily mean being trustworthy, e.g. "An example of having a trustworthy friend is being able to talk to them about a personal issue you are facing, knowing that what is said will stay between the two of you...."

Agreed.

2) Equality: "Both friends should be able to make decisions together and compromise without being shut down."

Agreed, but I'm not sure "equality" is the best word for this. It is almost inevitable that one friend will be more assertive than the other, or be more privileged than the other, in one way or another. What's important is that decisions be made with mutual respect.

3) Compassion: "Having compassion is when you are able to be empathetic and genuinely there for your friends on a daily basis and during times of need."

Hmmmm, I don't think being available "daily" is necessarily feasible for many people, given that most people are up to their ears in other responsibilities. But I agree that a real friend will do one's best to make time in time of real need, and will also listen compassionately.

4) Honesty: By "honesty," this article means honesty about everything, including things like "whether or not you like your friend’s outfit."

I'm inclined to agree with this in terms of what I personally want from my friends, but I think it's an over-generalization to make this a requirement of "strong friendship" for everyone. Instead, what I think is a universal requirement of "strong friendship" for everyone is that friends have compatible value systems regarding honesty, both in terms of (1) what level of honesty they desire from each other and (2) what level of honesty they themselves personally manifest. Some people really do want their friends to be totally honest with them about everything, while other people can't handle even the gentlest constructive criticism from a friend.

5) Independence: "In successful friendships, it is always important to be independent of your friend and allow your friend to have their personal space as well. It is never healthy to always need the company of your friend and their constant attention. You should both have other friends and hobbies besides each other. Getting upset when you are not your friend’s 'only friend' is a sign that independence is needed."

I agree with the concept as explained here, but I think "independence" is too strong a word for it. To me, "independence" means not needing the person, i.e. not needing to depend on the person for anything. Offhand, though, I can't think of a better word for what this article calls "independence." Maybe I'll think of a better word later.

thanks, this has been an interesting thread to read. Glad you are keeping it going, it has a lot to offer!

Really interesting thoughts about friendship

Another article: 7 Qualities of a Healthy Friendship That Remain Constant, Even as Relationships Change by Erica Sloan, Well + Good, September 30, 2021.

Her 7 qualities are:

1. Reciprocity
2. Support
3. Boundaries
4. Affection
5. Ease
6. Vulnerability
7. Predictability

My comments on each of these, in turn:

1) Reciprocity: This includes being on the same page about how close the friendship is, how much and what kinds of attention to expect from each other, and where the friendship fits in to both one's own and the other person's lives.

(I've noticed that a few people here on WP seem to have had frequent breakups with friends due to misunderstandings about this sort of thing.)

2) Support: Having each other's back, being there for each other in time of trouble. Indeed, I would say that the very essence of friendship is caring about each other's well-being.

The closer the friendship, the greater the degree of support that is given when needed. In today's world at least, practical support (e.g. visiting one's friend in the hospital) typically happens only in very close friendships, whereas emotional support, to some degree at least, can be expected from a wider circle of friends.

3) Boundaries: Being clear about what you are or are not willing/able to do for/with each other. Necessary to prevent misunderstandings.

4) Affection: The article says: "It might sound obvious, but you actually have to like a friend better than you would a stranger in order for the friendship to work."

In terms of my own paradigm of the four foundations of friendship (companionship, emotional intimacy, comradeship, and mutual favors), liking each other is a key aspect of companionship (enjoying each other's company). It's not necessarily a prerequisite to any of the other three foundations of friendship, although they (especially emotional intimacy) are far less likely without it.

5) Ease: "A friendship can flourish only when both people in it feel comfortable around each other. 'If you always feel like you need to be on guard or like you're walking on eggshells, you won’t reap the social-health benefits of true friendship,' says Dr. Franco."

Certainly, feeling at ease with each other is very much to be desired.

But it might not be possible in all friendships, and I would hesitate to make a rule that a friendship without "ease" should always be discarded. For example, a friendship between two people with trauma-based mental illnesses might require lots of mutual eggshell-walking to avoid triggering each other, but nevertheless might be a very valuable friendship to both parties, perhaps even a key part of their recovery.

On the topic of "ease," this article also makes another generalization that I think goes too far: "In that vein, a good friendship also has to be void of any power dynamic, she [Dr. Marisa G. Franco] adds: 'If one person holds more power than the other, the second person can never really be at ease, or have the latitude to be their authentic self and get their needs met.'"

In general I agree that it's a good idea to seek out friends who are approximately one's equals in terms of social status and overall power. However, I also think being too much of a purist about this would result in fragile friendships that break apart as soon as either friend's fortunes rise or fall.

It seems to me that sufficient mutual fondness can greatly lessen (though not eliminate entirely) the ill-effects of a power imbalance. And I want friendships that are robust enough to survive any change in power or social status, up or down, on the part of either friend.

6) Vulnerability: Essentially the same thing as what I call emotional intimacy, one of the four foundations of friendship.

However, in my paradigm, a friendship needs at least three of the four foundations, but not necessarily all four of them.

In Western culture at least, the traditional male friendship is based on companionship, comradeship, and mutual favors, but lacks emotional intimacy.

On the other hand, the traditional female friendship is based on companionship, emotional intimacy, and mutual favors, but lacks comradeship.

The contemporary upper-middle-class-based pop-psychology ideal of friendship seems to me to be based on companionship (in very high doses -- too high for many introverts and autistic people) plus emotional intimacy, but without much if any comradeship (except perhaps comradeship-lite, e.g. from doing volunteer work for the same charity together), and without mutual favors (except perhaps in an already extremely close friendship), due to the ideal that people are supposed to be able to pay for everything they need and not "impose" on their friends for anything.

It seems to me that a friendship that is based on only two of the four foundations, rather than on at least three of them, is likely to be very fragile.

7) Predictability: essentially the same thing as what Shasta Nelson calls "consistency." (In my paradigm, predictability/consistency is one of the things that enables one to build a friendship on top of its foundations.)

So where do you fit in the simple quid-pro-quo exchange of goods and services that keep a friendship together?