Do you feel your body is a mere meat bag?

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I've learned to sort of cope with it over time, so now I often don't even notice that I'm dissociating, but it still messes with my ability to be "present" and process what I'm experiencing and feeling.

My childhood was also pretty unstable overall, though when I was 11-12 there were a few particularly traumatic events that happened and it made me start dissociating. More traumatic events happened throughout the years after that and they made the dissociation worse + become almost constant. I haven't really figured out how to reduce or stop it, and I unfortunately feel like it's permanent at this point.

If I could design it from scratch it'd be totally different. There's lots to dislike. On the other hand, I am unreasonably healthy, way stronger than necessary or deserved, and I've been a hottie at times in my life. I'm fascinated with its complexity and love learning what makes it tick. I love learning about fitness and nutrition, and bettering myself with effort and diet. It's life support for my brain, which I consider a considerable asset. As I am out and about I am consciously aware how wonderful it is to be self-portable, and even durable and reasonably speedy. Self-healing is fascinating, as well as functioning beyond spec.

Some functionality still in beta, lol.

My body feels more like a pork bag with extra fat.

I can relate to a lot of this. I have trouble being present, too.

Add 10 bags of spätzle and I would make a great feast.

According to my psychologist / psychiatrist I don't have DID even though I feel dissociated / third person at times. I remember feeling detached or "not integrated" even when I was about three years old. One of my earliest memories was when I pictured God making humans on an assembly line and forgetting to connect my body / brain properly. I felt like I wasn't made like other kids because I was so cerebral and I identified "me" as my brain rather than my body (of course I didn't have that vernacular).

To the best of my knowledge I didn't experience trauma prior to that age or those feelings. I suffered significant emotional and physical trauma later in my life but overall I don't think the feeling is any more profound than it was when I was three. I think if anything I'm more at peace with it now, because I understand what's going on (e.g., ASD and other comorbids, having no gender in my mind, feeling free of physical constraints).

My best therapy so far was OT, where I learned to read my body signals like hunger, fatigue, and emotions with more clarity. I've tried to get help with my trauma therapist but even though they help with cognition and physical flashbacks I don't feel any more integrated than when I was young.

For me, first step was to make myself safe from things that caused trauma in the first place.

I've always been aware that my body is somewhere that "I" live. It isn't me. The face in the mirror has changed over the years, but again, it isn't "me", never has been. I also grew to be aware that I'm also not my personality, memories, thoughts or emotions - I'm just an observer of those. Maybe this is what propelled me into Buddhism and I'm now a practicing Zen Buddhist.

When we find ourselves in a world of constant evaluation, we have no choice but to start evaluating ourselves.

When we find ourselves in a world of constant evaluation, we have no choice but to start evaluating ourselves.