I can't tell if it's real

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I remember being extremely upset whenever my parents were late to picking me up from school. I'm not sure if that is related to ASD, but it might make sense.

What level of assurance would you require to accept that you are autistic?

From the NT point of view, it's common to be upset when someone is unpunctual

From the ASD perspective, you can get very upset because it's a change in your routine.

I have no idea.

I don't think that level of assurance exists.

I just had an episode where I felt completely that I had convinced myself I have autism and was faking it because of a superiority complex that has to do with an obsession with intelligence. Right when I woke up I had these thoughts, and I felt they were true since clearest thinking usually happens right when people wake up. Does any of this make sense, or no?

I think that you have other issues that you need help with. You need some peace of mind. Do you have access to a good therapist? I have three therapists. all psychologists, no psychiatrists, (I don't like psychiatry) and I love them because they really help me to understand myself. I can't speak well enough about having a great therapist. I think you should see if that can help you.

OK, how about this then. Why did you get diagnosed? Were you unknowingly diagnosed?

No, I was not unknowingly diagnosed. I think I felt a connection with autism for some reason and started doing more research and eventually my behavior became more autistic. Maybe I was unmasking, or maybe I was going through burnout, or something else. I’ve had suspicions before then that I was on the spectrum, but no one ever really took it seriously. Also it might be of note that in testing, I scored extremely high on visual detail and pattern recognition tasks, which I’ve heard is more common among Neurodivergent people. I think I remember taking the AQ test and scoring above the threshold, but then I wonder and become anxious if I purposely put answers to get higher. I have always felt that I was in the wrong world, but maybe that was for other reasons.

It's not possible to cheat the pattern recognition and visual detail tests.

No, I was just wondering if you thought the pattern tests have anything to do with ASD. What are your thoughts on the other stuff I wrote?

I do have access to a good therapist, but I haven't had many sessions yet.

The pattern tests are definitely an ASD thing. What other stuff in particular?

The other stuff I wrote here besides what you just mentioned. I think I exaggerated some symptoms when I started researching autism, for some psychological reason. Yet, when I took the AQ test now and tried to put in answers that matched what I was like before the pandemic, I still got a 41, even though no one ever thought I was on the spectrum. Recently, when I've gotten frustrated or anxious, I've done repetitive motions, like standing in a doorway moving it back and forth repeating "What the hell is wrong with me?", but I never really did this before I learned more about autism. I think I may have done some sort of repetitive motion, but not as obvious as that.

The other stuff you wrote there is extremely common when adults first get diagnosed. It happened to me as well. There are plenty of times when I am rocking back and forth, and I don't even know that I am until my brother asks me why I am rocking back and forth. Many of my Autistic behaviors that I did as a child and before I was diagnosed, I did not actually notice that I was doing them because they were so natural and normal for me to be doing and no one knew about Autism back then so no one pointed them out to me as being Autistic behaviors. But once I researched Autism, I started noticing my Autistic behaviors for the first time.

It's like when you get a new car, all of a sudden you start noticing the same kind of car all over the place where before you never noticed them. And once I understood that my behaviors were Autistic behaviors, I was able to recall into my past look at my memories from a more educated perspective and that is when I realized how Autistic I have always been ever since I was a baby. Even looking at childhood photos, it was now extremely obvious to me because I now understood what I was seeing in these photos. Before, I had no idea what I was seeing because I knew nothing about Autism. Now, when I review my past and my childhood, I see it everywhere in my life.

But I can specifically remember moments where I felt like I was exaggerating.