What is wrong with the way autistic people communicate?

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That's a good way of putting it!

Agreed

Both on the emotions and on figuring it out too late (if ever)

I find I need non-verbal cues to help me figure things out and say the right thing. On internet forums I'm only relying on text, except with emojis but the emojis here aren't very convincing, if that's the right word. I prefer the emojis on Facebook. Unfortunately you can't use the emojis on your phone on this forum, if you do it doesn't let you post.

Well if you don't understand what someone is saying because it's not clear by the language thay use or by non verbal cues then what's wrong with asking them what they're talking about.

I do this. The other day I was talking to someone and he has a certain phrase he uses at certain points during a conversation so I just asked him what he means by this and why he only says it when he does. He was quite willing to clarify this for me.

He did the same to me a little bit later on.

Sometimes it's better to ask questions that's what conversation is. Plus it's better than both parties walking away feeling confused about what has just occurred.

IMO emojis are a rotten substitute for non-verbal cues. Adding an emoji is always a conscious choice and that means it can represent what someone wants you to think they're communicating, rather than what they're really feeling. It's just another word.

You can always ask. But I'd also note that often people aren't even very honest with themselves about what they're feeling. People say, "I'm fine," all the time when they're not fine and even a limited people-reader like myself can see they're not fine. But they're not necessarily trying to deceive you, they're just trying to convince themselves that they're fine.

Problem: there are two kinds of nonverbal communication - conscious and unconscious.

Waving is conscious. Smiling to appear friendly is conscious.

Crossing one’s legs when one is nervous is (usually) unconscious.

I have the most trouble with people who use communication to purposely misdirect. Salespeople. And politicians (office politics included). These people use nonverbals AND verbals to get what they want - power - not communication - conveying information.

Also.

I have noticed that in a work-from-home environment where there are no nonverbals communication is much harder and I tend towards fight-or-flight. Mostly flight. So I procrastinate or avoid communication - or over communicate.

Another pattern: understanding others is one part of the puzzle. Being understood is another. It is possible to do one well and the other poorly.

When I was growing up “what do you mean by that” usually was a challenge: the meaning was “I don’t like what you said - I think it was an insult or a challenge - you had better fight or back down - Now!” The next thing was often an argument or even a fist fight or shoving match.

When someone says something unclear and I want clarification I might say “my current understanding is x - is this a correct understanding?” Or “I think I hear you saying Y is that right?”

Emphasis is another nvc lacking from text, unless you use italics.

"What do you mean by that?" - I would take as an enquiry, you're not being clear, I want/need more information.

"What do you mean by that?" - I would take as meaning has already been received (whether it was the one I intended or not), and it wasn't appreciated, and yes, I'm possibly about to get punched.

Lol yeah I know.

Communication preferences and styles vary among individuals, including those on the autism spectrum. While clear and direct communication is generally valued, it's important to recognize and respect different communication styles, considering cultural influences, personal preferences, and social norms. Embracing diverse communication approaches promotes understanding and effective interaction.

Yeah that's true as well. I've worked with people who are a lot younger than me and I just do not get the slang they use sometimes.

I always joke about it as if I'm completely out of touch and that goes towards building bridges. I just think it's easier when people understand that you really don't understand rather than pretending that you do.

This sounds like a good idea in theory, especially for an Aspie. The problem I think is that because such a statement is somewhat unorthodox in regular speech, a lot of NTs will be confused or even find it frustrating or challenging. You're being judged on the syntax of the question, rather than what the question is trying to convey. This could ultimately lead to more communication problems for some Aspies.




And this is interesting, because I've had times where I've felt something was wrong, like a pit of my stomach feeling of dread. Since I couldn't find a conscious reason for it, I dismissed it. Then something very bad happened. I wonder if the Aspie can pick up on subconscious, non-verbal, but lacks the ability to process them, looking for an intellectual and conscious reason and ignoring the subconscious warning.

Some people tell me that I communicate very well. Not only do I communicate well, but I am a very good listener. A good memory and social skills helps me a lot. I often remember what I told to a specific person, or what he/she told me a while ago. The subject can be work related, but can also be something outside work, like things my girlfriend says.

Same here. It takes me weeks/months/years to understand some conversations or events. Then people say 'why didn't you say something at the time?' Because at the time I hadn't worked it out

Last edited by KitLily on 21 Jun 2023, 2:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ah but if I do that, I get all the 'why do you ask that?' 'what do you mean?' 'why don't you understand?' etc. nonsense. They go on and on trying to get to WHY I am asking that, when all I want is a nice clear answer.

I don't ask anymore, I just think 'oh well, I don't know what he's talking about' and switch off.

What's your secret? I can never remember what I said to someone an hour ago, let alone weeks ago