The autism social rule book.

Post Reply New Topic

I realized this a while ago, but confidence is everything in social interaction. For neurotypical folks (mostly just new neurotypical folks who you don't know very well), confidence seems to matter more than blunt direct honesty. I don't really get it, but it seems to work. Fake it 'til you make it.

Easiest way to make friends with people my own age is to pretend like I've skipped over the awkward "are you friend or foe/where do i stand/i don't know anything about you/do we have anything in common" stage and pretend like we're already friends (until they give me reason to believe otherwise) and talk about things in the immediate environment until something actually interesting comes up. Pretending to be confident has only ever gone wrong for me, like, a handful of times (normally with people who I wouldn't want to befriend anyways) and the other 98% of times people normally respond really well to it.

Also really helps if you can practice keeping yourself entertained when surface topics that don't interest you come up over & over (without seeming outwardly bored or distracted). Try to find some interesting aspect of topics that bore you to tears to have in your back pocket for when they come up. For me- I don't like sports or technical specifications. My brain, like, shuts off, it does not interest me at all. But if i can relate it to something I do have in my wheelhouse of interests- performance, color theory, group dynamics, injuries, science, anything tangentially correlated, I can wait until the moment feels right/related enough to the topic at hand, and steer conversation off the topic naturally, without seeming like I'm changing the subject too abruptly (because I hate it). And if it's in a group of people where you can't steer the conversation back, feel free to "use the restroom" or "get a drink" or "return a phone call" or "go say hi to that person over there"- a polite way to convey that you'd rather chew gravel than be forced to maintain the interaction. Then, if you come back and the topic still hasn't changed, you've kind of earned the right to be super bored lol. Feel free bring up whatever random thing your heart desires (whenever a lull occurs in the conversation) without seeming rude. Or interrupt as you return to the group with something you "just thought of!" (even if it's a lie) and pray that the group is interested in whatever you just thought of.

Confidence is also important when presenting new ideas. If you seem shaky when presenting something new, it's easier for people to shoot it down. If you present it like "Hey, I was gonna do (new thing), does that work for you/any objections?" it gets better results on average than "Hey so i was thinking... What if maybe we thought about doing (new thing)? If you want to... we don't have to..."- more likely to get rejected (by people who don't know you very well yet). Because neurotypical ppl rarely really say what they mean, they can misinterpret being shy or nervous as a sign you're not excited/don't really want what you're offering, and then they look for potential flaws/reasons to be nervous about (new thing), rather than taking what you're saying to them literally. I think it's a trust thing.

I think about the phenomenon of emotional contagion a lot with neurotypical people, and since I grew up struggling to contain/express/understand my own emotions, it was like a different language. But I feel like I'm fluent now, and realizing it's not always what I say, but rather how I say it that produces different results. I'm lucky that I've always been good with reading facial expressions, but body language and tone used to be a struggle for me to decode. For me its fun to research that stuff though, like how different animals communicate non-verbally. So do we, but just in such different, seemingly overcomplicated ways sometimes.

Source: me getting bullied as a child and then growing up researching (neurotypical) human social interactions on the internet at night & applying my findings scientifically in the wild. lol.

Think the above ^^^ is very good advise .. practice practice practice .. Sure had to excuse myself from groups many times over the years. And do all that second guessing myself afterwards , about , what I should have said in many situations . Usually over a period of days up to a week after the fact....Which is not really what I wanted to do to begin
with , but after a seemingly Long Long Long , learning period , I became a little bit more fluent in social communications
And still not any social butterfly, thats for sure...But once in a great while , I feel good, that sounding self confident
seemed to work ... sometimes and even felt good for days after , that I managed a good social Interaction.
Admitted did yse coffee as a little bit of a prop . to hold the cup . So I knew where my hands felt good .
And not awkward . And did make a effort to listen more than I spoke . And practiced my smile in a mirror , for a very long time .

Liked a thread

I confess to skipping pages 21-54, but judging by the duplication I made it further than many.
I surely made it past the unified numbering scheme so...prefixed

CH1. Never use the phrase "There's nothing worse than...." Because there always is.

CH2. If anyone in a club offers you a pill, don't take one before they do.

CH3. If you scream when someone hot touches you, then tell them you're probably touch starved, they may end up patting you.
CH4. Give the answer the interviewer expects...not the specific instructions from your boss.
I lost my job for that one
CH5. Dance like nobody's watching, but try not to bounce of anyone outside the mosh pit.
#corollary to CH5...stop biting your lip.
CH6. If the cute one smiles at you, offer to buy them a drink.

CH7. Never let your screwdriver hit the 50kV plate line, you'll wake up on the other side of the room
CH8. Speak softly and carry a fake hand grenade
CH9. Don't look in the boot (Trunk)

I made an account to ask, as reading through the pages began to piss me off.

Why should someone who is different have to conform and follow the rules of a group of people who do not care that it takes extraordinary effort on the part of the autist to try and appease them? In the first pages of this thread, there is even a point where someone says "do not give short answers, this is rude" and in the same breath they say "if the NT gives a short answer, they are bored and you should stop talking." Well, that isn't fair at all.

I am probably not an aspie or autistic, or if I am, I would not like to be, but am getting tested soon for it so have been poking around online for resources to better understand it (and by extension, maybe better understanding myself)... Anyway. This rule book frustrates me. Imagine a bunch of perfectly average people sitting around trying to think up ways to make non-average people feel welcome. "Maybe we should allow the autist to ramble about their special interest so they feel comfortable among us;" I'm wondering why this only goes one way. Why should you have to put effort into making eye contact and pretend you are less knowledgeable so you don't insult or offend someone, while also patting their egos, telling them they are not fat even though they are fat, etc?

^This is a very good point. It is fully reasonable to expect NTs to meet us halfway, but unfortunately this is a long way off. In the meantime, some of us will fight for that goal, some of us will be willing to go farther to act "normal", and some of us, including me, will just not care because we don't want to be friends with NTs anyway. But yes, what you say is what an ideal society would look like.

Depending on the actual number of non-NTs out there, maybe if they all just collectively agreed not to play this silly game of "I will mask for your benefit" things would change faster. What I am seeing in resources is aid for fitting into the puzzle, when the puzzle does nothing but force you to shave yourself down, and even then it may still reject you. Maybe this is a childish way of thinking, but I find myself frustrated.

That I completely agree with.

Written below :, (with tongue firmly planted in my cheek)
USA gov. wants absolute conformity....parents want conformity....The Range of conformity is , Enough to follow instructions ... No critical thinking of potentially individualistic thought . Society demands..
If Societal alienation is not enough , We will brainwash you with influenced media broadcasts .
( but seriously have had to learn to abbreviate things . And judge if people are able to gain from what you might share.
being a mind reader does help) . Lololzzz

Hi. First it could be both! If someone asks a question and they don't get an answer it's rude because you have specifically asked for something and been denied.

In casual chat both parties have to enjoy the discussion, so if someone is bored the topic needs to be changed.

It's open to interpretation. In one situation its one thing and in another its another. A hundred US dollars is a lot in the third world but not to zuckerberg.[/quote]

Another way of looking is to think of the context. If someone asks a question, think - why does someone ask a question? To get an answer. In one situation a person asks a question, their desires and your answers are limited by them asking.

One sentence leads to limited responses. The simplest responses are to provide an answer or not. If you provide a short answer it's more like not fully answering. Because you have done something there is a social reaction - frustration - because you block the persons desire. (For every action there is a reaction)

Have used questions as rhetorical statements, often causing the listener to consider that many answers might come to him based on wording of a question. Sometimes , I have done this with friends,( in a friendly way.)To cause them to consider other questions that are revolent to what they asked ...and , passively watch them fir understanding , if none exists, or their comphrehension level at that moment is distracted, I may answer, right out directly all depending on circumstances and the question being asked. Or include info. that may expand on their question ?