14 Feb 2025, 11:29 am
15 Feb 2025, 12:39 pm
21 Feb 2025, 12:52 am
24 Feb 2025, 4:03 pm
25 Feb 2025, 2:05 am
Why am I going on the opposite direction as so many?
Many would think they would have anxiety or would willfully get themselves diagnosed as a form of explanation for everything they've done and unacknowledged.
I'm the opposite.
I don't see my own human reactions as a form of mental illness, nor my own sensitivities to be asserted by the same things.
I'm more annoyed at the human reactions I have, but ever considered it a mental illness?
No. More like something remains unacknowledged. A lot I have, in years. Slowly chipping fragments away by myself.
If I were going at the same direction, I would've ended up with severally diagnosis, just as several kinds of meds, likely dependent, and whatever pro-allistic aspirations people seen in me as "progress". 
But that's not the path I consent.
Not the path I risk to take.
People would've been grateful if people sees depression or anxiety and ask them to get help.
Or sympathize that that one might need help. With basically a system willing to help and just trust them.
I don't.
I see it as rude or undermining, because of some foolish misunderstanding or a foolish misconception of what "healthy" looks like.
They all have this assumption that I need to be empowered or something.
The hell are they talking about? And I'm trying not to be rude about it, too.
The same manner as to how I will fail to get myself self diagnosed with autism all because I cannot relate to too many accounts.
Too many accounts that has the same threads, same trajectories, same "tunes"... That I do not vibe, I do not agree, I do not relate.
A good portion of them was acquired through socialization, another was because it's all they knew of what idea of being a human is supposed to be.
So further and further, what made me deviate so?
It's not like I'm that blind. In fact that might be the point; to avoid whatever pitfalls they all blindly had fallen into.
Why am I so doubtful about psychiatric aide?
Why am I even so doubtful about chronic physical ailments?
Why am I looking it the other way around compared to others?
That I see the former more about the annoyance of being a human and all the sensitivity crap I dealt with this body, and the latter a potential somatic crap that I would want to get over?
Yes, it's the inverse of your usual.
How many times do I have to tell the world that I work backwards?
How many times do I have to discover how true this is in my case?
Like -- I have crappier mental health because of chronic nonallergic rhinitis.
Instead, they look at past bullying and whatever family dynamics that had nothing to do with it.
I want to breathe well. That's all I ask for. Then I will be content without needing to contend with that.
But the past issues? That's mine to solve. My own history to figure.
Any stupid change of attitude doesn't make me breathe through my damn nose better. And I thought, I'm looking it the other way around?
The stupid sensitivity isn't a mental illness.
It's a neurodivergence, sure, and importantly a whole body thing too, but it's mine to figure.
I refuse to be undermined or bullied into getting into treatments that I do not ask for by the damn people assuming the two things are one and the same damn thing.
25 Feb 2025, 3:32 am
26 Feb 2025, 11:56 am
05 Mar 2025, 9:04 am
05 Mar 2025, 10:23 am
05 Mar 2025, 10:35 am
05 Mar 2025, 11:09 am
As it turns out that I was right.
Not being able to breathe well IS giving me chronic stress and crappier mental health, that it's a wonder how I don't have a diagnosable mental illness.
This is my 3rd week of being able to literally breathe well.
Now I know: how much spoons actually something costs me, how much spoons I DO HAVE as opposed to not mattering because even if I did nothing it's as if I still did something, an expansion of my emotions and definately the lack of clinginess that emotions itself is doing to me.
What stress actually feels like without that damn noise in my whole body.
That I am really am dealing with an untreated and unmanageable chronic illness. Since age 5. Dealing with this nonsense for almost 25 years. Continuously.
And it's mislabeled, misidentified, mistreated. It's the real reason why I cannot trust myself in a lot of things.
Like, I can never visualize myself being in any service related jobs.
Who accepts an employee with an unmanageable a "chronic allergy" that sniffles and sneezes so loudly all year long for most of her waking life? Nobody.
Not even as a janitor -- who would trust someone to keep something clean if the person is so disgusting she couldn't keep her own slobber to herself???
I can be shameless. I can be weird upfront no problem. I don't care if that's the reason why people don't like me; because it means they do not consent to want me for me.
Because that reveals who they are to me and I like that.
But not stupid and entitled shameless to pretend that people are more repelled by a potential COVID infection case regardless of 'personality', trustworthiness and competency.
That doesn't help me reveal people who they are as a person. They're not judging me, they're being sensible.
And not to mention how disruptive the symptoms itself are, that there are no clear triggers and nothing to avoid, how overwhelming it is and I never need to leave, go anywhere noisy and chaotic when my own body is doing it themselves.
Can you imagine? Focusing at your interests and suddenly, you just can't stop sneezing? For hours? And gotten so disruptive, shifting back again and again for said hours end out of stubborness until it just became too exhausting keep shifting gears, let alone sustain another focus session?
Oh, and superfocus doesn't filter said sneezing out. It doesn't work like tunnelling in to filter out environmental noise and outside presence, or forget basic faculties like hunger and thirst in favor of the activity.
No, it just interrupts you, lose momentum and give you headache inducing inertia. Worse if your interests are hands on like crafting, and you need a steadier hand and an eye that won't leave. Let alone any job involving that.
You try being immersive when all the half of your mind is struggling to breathe comfortably, mindfully. Like you're chronically forced to multitask.
Doesn't matter how much is in your mind or how many tabs you can close within to focus at a snap, it will go sideways.
This is not the mind dealing with, but it's certainly is affecting said mind.
And it doesn't matter how relaxed and comfortable you are; unlike the mind or even the nervous system to some extent where you can persuade or distract it, that's the fricking immune system with no form of 'supressors' to quiet it down (not even the art of relaxation itself) because it hasn't been found yet.
And then hearing too much of your breathing you can't wear earplugs? You choose; road noises drowning your loud breathing, or tinnitus AND your louder breathing because it's never not clogged or/and inflammed?
Equally stressing.
Oh, and the entirety of hating sleep.
And it's consequences. All because the crap made it painful, more annoying, miserable and very unreliable.
Regardless; it's not prostaglandins, histamine or leukotrienes. Not until a professional found which is which.
11 Mar 2025, 10:21 am
16 Mar 2025, 1:15 pm
16 Mar 2025, 2:29 pm
16 Mar 2025, 3:10 pm
16 Mar 2025, 4:40 pm
