Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Reaching the pre-verbal inner child.

When I first did, it has no pride, no fight, no inane ideations of whatever. Only primal need.

It's an infant.
I feel no hostility towards it, unlike any other inner child.

It's is very strange.
There are no thoughts to fight, no assumptions to challenge.

Had eventually reach deeper.
Ends up in this silent crying and lots of heaving.

It doesn't know what a fight is.
But is protesting against it. It must be my parents, fighting as usual, even way back before then.

The head is really tense in a way that's too internal. The lungs are practically so overworked, too much tears and mucus.

Even all that expressiveness...
It has no say. Because it has no words to go about it. Only this primal need, this primal dependence.


So far accounts say to focus at the somatic side of it.
I prefer to explore any other approaches I can around it.



The stranger part is the contradiction.
Should a child this age, usually are very fragile from within, would likely feel less secured or safe?

Or perhaps I should reach deeper.
Take it all myself if it's there.

I can try it again.
So I can end it.
Root of it.

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Been feeling separate. So scared that people think I'm a bad person. Or that they can tell I can feel I'm separate. When I feel that way I feel dizzy and feel like I can't move properly. I've been having minor hallucinations(objects, sometimes just a person standing there, or flashes). Honestly it's a bit scary cause I feel I cannot trust my mind. However I've found moments of comfort. Listening to music, and just sleeping at a good time. I had a good cry today. I seem to feel better after that. I've been sleeping well. I just don't understand why I feel so scared so often. I'm on medication consistently for the first time in a while. Like a few months.

I think my ADHD has developed ADHD just lately

With anxiety it's hard to distinguish between if there might be something physically wrong or if it's all in your mind. I worry about being able to tell the difference and how I will be able to tell when physical symptoms indicate something real.

It's funny how NT people stereotype ND people and vice versa

I must be like in the middle because I don't see these issues for either camp that other people see

I have ODD which is odd

Couldn't sleep last night. Went to bed at 5 in the morning and woke up at 10. I'm feeling like I'm not going to sleep again. I was really scared last night.

I don't care if people sees my lack of identification of particular thoughts and feelings as some sort of disconnection.

Can someone, who's obsessed with fanfiction, and wanted this maladaptive daydreaming trait to get instant ideas for a fanfic -- understand that not everyone is obsessed with fanfiction, and that said maladaptive daydreaming was and automatically and involuntarily ends up with countless what ifs and scenarios worthy of writing (they say), in fact, a defense mechanism chosen by the brain and the subconscious mind as a form of dissociation -- and not, well an interest?
And it was stopped (NOT "MANAGED") by talking to the fricking limbic system whose frozen in irrelevant time for being a very entitled brat?

Or, well, if my head decided to have anxiety because of a particularly morbidly interesting thing for me -- and all the just as involuntary thoughts, stuck at whatever topic trigger, hyperarousal and hypervigilance to a point of sleep disturbance; already knew that's not me, that's my head being a foolish human animal creature.
And like a fricking pet afraid of a thunderstorm, I had to reassure it; except, well, I'm an unwilling owner of said pet. And if I did it right, the anxiety symptoms stops by convincing it.


Yeah.
To some this is some woo-woo level of BS.
Except mine is more than just some intellectual concept over the idea of I am not the mind and it's thoughts, the feelings that arised from it, nor the body and it's sensations.

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I don't actually have full blown NPD because I don't get off of other people's misery and stuff but I do have certain traits as a result of half a lifetime's worth of narcissistic abuse

its hard to avoid really

I'm missing that part of my brain that tells most people when it's time to stop

I'm a bit like an XL bully dog in that respect