Why does this bother me so much?

Post Reply New Topic

I made a post a little while back. For those of you who don't remember, let me reiterate:

"I seem to have no confidence when it comes to social interaction. Every time there's a room full of people, I seem to go unnoticed, and I don't feel like talking to people, out of fear that they're just going to act like, "Why is this loser talking to me?" For all I know, it could be all in my head, but I still feel as though they've already pre-emptively judged me as not worth the time. Women don't seem to find my personality attractive, I never get invited anywhere, and in general, I tend to feel that people don't find me to be an interesting person to be around.
It seems to stem from a fight I had with a girl quite a while ago. She's not exactly unattractive, but the guy she was dating was several times better-looking than she was, and it blew my mind as to how she got with him. At the time, I was going through some really bad self esteem issues, thinking that the only girls that would ever want me were the ugly, crazy and mentally unbalanced ones, if any at all. One night on IM, I just casually asked her how she was able to get a guy like that, and she suddenly just signed off. I could tell that she was angry at me, so I apologized later.
However, not too long afterwards, she messaged me on Facebook, calling me "vain" and telling me that the way I acted in public (things like talking to myself and pacing) were keeping me ostracized. She insulted me, saying that I needed to make a change or else I would be lonely forever. I toiled in despair for over a month, until finally I confronted her over it. Once again, she told me that the way I acted made people think that I wanted to be isolated. She criticized me for not making any effort to change, and told me that if I didn't change, I would end up depressed, suicidal, and addicted to drugs, claiming that she had "seen it happen". I dismissed these accusations, telling her that she had a closed mind over the matter.
However, lately, everything she's said is proving itself to be true. People don't talk to me, they don't seem to find me interesting, and it's making me wonder: By "changing, did she mean that I need to work out minor kinks in my mannerisms, or change my entire personality? Am I to blame for my own social ostracision? Is the fact that I want to be a unique individual rather than a clone of everyone else killing my chance of making friends?"

Lately, this still bugs me, because like I said, it's looking to be true in real life. The question is though, why? Why do I have this girl's words burned into my brain? Is it just a case of me not being able to let go? Or is it something more?

You are who you are. If you truly feel like you need to change, then all the more reason to. But the power of suggestion is very potent, dont feel you are something because just one person suggested it. The question you asked her was very legitimate. But I think I can see how an NT would take offense to it. Like the way you are hanging on to what she said, she may be hanging on to what you said and it makes her want to give you those back-handed comments (trying to be honest but with a not-so-subtle hint of insult underlying the comment).

Just gotta do what you can to forget her. Hang out with different people.

I'd wager that one of the reasons you can't let this go is that the major life questions in it are unresolved. To what extent is AS/HFA affecting your ability to socialize and appropriately relate to others? Do you want to adjust anything to blend better? If you do change something, will you be betraying something of yourself or enhancing your life and opportunities?

Lots of BIG questions and they do need to be addressed.

I wouldn't worry about becoming a clone, though. It's absolutely not possible for anyone with AS/HFA. We will always be the oddballs... some of us are just able to become more comfortable for the NTs to be around.

For myself, I have chosen to work towards being a more comfortable person for the NTs through counseling. I find my life richer and more opportunities are available to me if I can get along and don't creep the NTs out too much or put my foot in my mouth every time I open it.

I used to think it was a matter of changing my entire personality, but now it seems that perhaps it's only a matter of getting rid of odd habits (i.e. pacing, talking to myself). But even then, those sorts of things are things that I've been doing all my life. I'm used to them, and perhaps I find that I'm attached to these habits. Maybe I just refuse to let go of them. The only problem with that is that the general consensus among the so-called "NTs" is that if someone is pacing and talking to themselves, you need to leave them alone, because that person is obviously pissed off about something or needs time alone to think deeply. I do like to think deeply, but I'm rarely ever angry, and I'm most certainly seldom ever thinking about something important. If someone wants to talk to me, they most certainly can, but no one does, and for those such as myself (and perhaps you as well), this just boggles the mind. Why would I be in a public place, such as the lounge in my residence hall at school, if I wanted to be isolated? The lack of logical thought process in NTs can be just astounding at times.
Don't get me wrong, I do want to make people feel comfortable around me, and not as though I'm going to explode and commit mass murder or some other ludicrous bulls**t. But I want to be comfortable, too.

So are you trying to say that my habit of pacing and talking to myself is something that is childish and should be shoved off? Is it akin to a two-year-old who still breast-feeds? Or perhaps a 15-year-old who still plays with his Power Ranger action figures? Maybe I am stubborn and refuse to change. But I can't help wanting to amuse myself with my own thoughts.

Well maybe pacing can be quelled easily; simply sit down and make myself comfortable. But what about talking to myself? I can't help it if I don't give two flying f**ks about what a group of people are talking about. Honestly, I could really care less how the Red Sox/Pats/Celtics/Bruins are doing this season, or why liberals/conservatives are evil. Not everything interests me.

I was looking at an English major, but I just finished taking an "Intro to Acting" course, so I'm considering theatre as well. I think I might want to become a teacher after I finish college. As you can see by my avatar, I'm really into '80s music, particularly the hard rock and heavy metal of that era. Actually, I listen to a number of different kinds of music. Let's see, the last batch of CDs I bought included Kenny Loggins, Ozzy Osbourne, Michael McDonald, Phil Collins, Type O Negative, Whitesnake, Bad Religion, Danzig, Metallica, and this compilation CD of old-school hip-hop. Lately, I've been listening to more old-school hard rock, like Kiss, Aerosmith, Queen, Cinderella and the Cult. As for activities, I don't really do much, being as I have very few friends, so mostly I stay at home and screw around on the Internet.

OK, so those are your topics of conversation... 80's music, theater and acting, maybe literature/writing? Anyway, find those people... get off the computer and stick your neck out.

Theater is great, 'cause a little angst and oddness are expected (just not too much), so start hanging out there, volunteer for set work... I don't know, stuff like that (I was a biology major; I helped my prof with his lab work) I have no idea where you'd find 80's music fans... the music dept? Do they have revivals yet? Wear the gear and someone will say "Oh hey, I love that group!" and before you know it, you're in a conversation. Notice if someone else is wearing the gear and tell them how much you love that group... don't start with criticism. Look for 'study buddies' in your lit classes, go for coffee, talk about the teacher, how pointless the assignment is, what books you enjoy, trends in modern lit... yahdahyahdahyahdah.

Anyway, you'll find it easier to hang with the folks who share your interests. So you need to put on your "safari hat" and go on a few expeditions to find your tribe. The Alien Anthropologist searches for signs of intelligence among the natives...

I think we can accurately determine that it is not in your dorm lounge.

Okay, but you haven't really given any methods I could use to stop talking to myself. And as for the people in the dorms, it isn't always about some lame TV show or politics or sports. Sometimes they'll be having a conversation about something I do want to talk about, the only issue is not talking to myself when I'm bored so that when I do feel like talking, people will actually care what I have to say. And unlike nearly every other odd trait I have, the pacing and the talking to myself never went away naturally. Are they supposed to? Or is it something I have to work on? And even then, am I up to the task, or am I too lazy and stubborn to change? Am I too comfortable with the way I am, despite being aware of the dark, depressing and possibly suicidal and drug-oriented path I'm headed down?

I don't know if this will help, but here's how I'm working on one of my "socially suicidal" behaviors. I'll tell up front, I've been doing zen meditation for 12 years, so I may have a level of mastery that isn't available to you yet, but definitely can be if you work on it.

I've noticed that the teachers in my classes seem to want to shut me down during class discussions. It's not that I'm off-topic, or monopolizing the floor; I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from fellow students about my insights and knowledge (such compliments may be part of the problem). I think it may be that the instructors feel a tad disrespected and maybe even a little threatened... not my intent. And as I enjoy class, do respect the teachers who are thoroughly versed and I learn a lot from them, I don't want to cause friction or upset.

So I've been observing myself during discussion... I have real difficulty when someone asks a question that I have something to say to. I've noticed that, though it's hard for me to stay quiet while the teacher answers, I can do it by really focusing on what and how it's being said. But if the teacher hasn't hit on my particular insight or whatever, I'm dead... my mouth will open and I'll address the other student's question when the teacher is done. They are starting to not recognize me when I raise my hand to speak... this is what lead me to think there was beginning to be a problem.

When I just try to stay silent, there is a tremendous internal pressure, push to speak. Very possibly unbearable unless I'm paying really close attention. Fascinating to watch the internal energy.... uncomfortable, but very interesting.

So the last couple of weeks I've been paying sharp attention to my mind when this situation occurs. I've made some interesting observations regarding my particular case... I'm beginning to see that in these cases the word 'discussion' clearly does not mean a fertile exchange of ideas between equals, such as what I've been accustomed to hanging out with friends, chewing over politics or whatever. In this setting, the word discussion indicates that experiences supporting the information just given by the teacher is what is wanted. There is a woman in one class that is readily recognized with a smile and encouragement by the teacher. She has vast experience, and I'm sure could really come from different perspectives, etc., but what she talks about are her experiences that compliment the presented info, rather than add to it or present another angle.

This has been a fascinating revelation to me. All this time I thought the idea was to expand and explore, cross-fertilize with ideas on the subject. But in this setting, it's to compliment and illustrate the instructor's teaching. Not compliment in the way of flattery, but compliment in the way of supporting, brings forward and emphasizes the essential point.

I'm looking forward to seeing if this new insight helps me be more appropriate to the setting... Now that I know what is going on, if I don't have experience that reinforces the point, will I be able to stay silent? And therefore be more comfortable for everyone to be around?

In any case, the way I gained this insight, through self-observation and observation of what others were doing, may be a skill worth cultivating for you.

Well I do talk to myself when I'm stressed out about something, but most of the time, I do it because I'm bored. Sometimes I'll just want to recite something to myself under my breath, such as a line of dialogue from a movie, or a certain artist's entire catalogue of albums, or every single notable lineup that a certain band has had over the years. Sometimes I just feel like I have to do this in order to be satisfied, but usually, I get about halfway through and then move on to something else. Again, most of the time I only do it because I'm bored, not because I'm pissed off. I'm not interested in what happened in the latest episode of some TV drama that I don't watch, nor do I want to be reminded of what a god-awful state our country is in.

By the way, what about singing? Would it be more acceptable to sing to myself?