Why I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship.

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The last week or so I have been emailing messages with someone that messaged me on a dating site. She seems nice. Yesterday I get an email from her giving me her windows messenger ID and asking me to add her and she will ne online about 830 or so so we could talk. I do that and she never loged in or anything. I waited 20 minutes.

I felt let down and I wondered why she decided to blow me off and lie to me. This is how I think when I look forward to something and it does not go right. We have not even talked on the phone yet and I'm already thinking she likes to lie and mislead me.

I have no idea how to get past this way of thinking, its not good to think this way in a relationship. So I don't think I can handle a relationship because little things like this get me so worked up.

Ken congrats you have really turned a corner. At least you realise your problem.

Personally I can't speculate about you, but with me it is rejection. You may need to like the first person that gives you attention because you feel might not get another chance. Then when you don't get that attention how you expect, you automatically preempt the rejection. It is almost easier to preempt the rejection, because then it is like it has already happened.

People are not saints. They get turn off by thing that is a fact. If you have never been turn off by anything. Well I find that hard to believe. If you grasp this it can help.

You are taking ‘lying’ too literally, people have other priorities, and NT people are not literal. Realistically they are only going to dedicate a small amount of time to someone they barely know.

You need to learn to self moderate and not make assumptions about the relationship. Treat her as friends at first. If you are not sure ask her when and how often is ok to contact her.

You need to try and not get angry with people who you barely know. They can read it. If they are clearly taking advantage then stop seeing them. But in this case she hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

Your reaction makes far more sense than her behaviour. You shouldn't take it out on yourself, or even waste a second wondering about your part in this.

Is there any chance of finding out why she didn't turn up? It's wise not to jump to conclusions. Maybe her house was on fire or something? Also, it's easy to get caught out by time zone differences.

The important point is that you not liking being messed around by a possible rude, inconsiderate idiot, does NOT mean you are not cut out for relationships! It means *she* is not worth being in a relationship with

Better luck next time...

She said 8.30 or so. And you waited 20 minutes. If you really want a relationship you will have to learn not to take stuff like this so seriously and personally. Perhaps she was busy, something came up.

If she was busy she could have at least had the deceny to leave a message saying so.

If she was busy she could have at least had the deceny to leave a message saying so.[/quote]

I agree. If she does eventually recontact you I'd be careful. First impressions and all that sort of stuff. This is just the first glance of what a potential relationship with here will be in my opinion.

Don't take it personally. People just flake, it's part of life. Don't bog yourself down with a ton of philosophy of why it's wrong, unneeded despair, self-pity, etc...

My strategy to combat this is to somewhat expect the other person to flake. Have a good idea of what you could be doing otherwise if that happens. For example, I scheduled to meet a girl who lived an hour and a half away. I drove there, called her to see where she was, but no answer. I felt a little stiffed, but so what. I was in a different town & there was plenty to explore. Did all my christmas shopping at an awesome outdoor mall I'd discovered. A few hours later, she called me, made a stock excuse of why she didn't meet me on time (was still asleep). I said no big deal (which it wasn't), and asked her to come out & meet me now. She did & we had a great time. If she didn't, it still wouldn't matter as I was already enjoying my day.

Basic idea is you can't control other people's actions. Don't allow what they do or don't do contribute to your level of happiness.

Some people are quite casual about times and often suggest that you will meet at some future time but they are just being polite, its hard to tell.

Some people are very friendly and you can misread their intentions or just not know and that is anxiety-making.

She may contact you, I would just wait and see instead of upsetting yourself before you know why she wasn't there.

Its all too easy to torture ourselves when we don't know why things do or do not happen.

It's not good to lie to yourself in a relationship. Online relationships are pointless, people can lie all the time. It seems like you understand whats going on. whenever you think the person does not wanna talk or is ignoring you, 9/10 you are right. just stop talking to her. its good to be truthful to yourself, and from what i see she doesnt wanna talk to you so forget her.

hope this helps

Um, you didn't say, but are you maybe in different time zones? That could have been the problem.

Have to disagree with this response; she made the effort, gave him the information. Things happen - dishwashers explode, animals get sick, dinner becomes a raging fireball... and the point about time differences is something to consider as well. Being hurt by a missed 'date'? Sure, I can see that - but not tearing yourself apart upset.


M.

EVERYONE is cut out for a relationship! what you described would make ANYONE feel bad. Stand ups happen to everyone sooner or later. Yes she was stringing you along because she didn't want to hurt your feelings therefore she is too wimpy and not forthright enough for you. You need to be interested in someone who will not tell you any damn thing you want to hear because they think, backwardsly, that it will HELP your feelings by deceiving you. If someone is not interested in you they should say so. ONE person not being interested in you? move on, it happens all the time, there's so many fish in the sea. I have been rejected over and over, and I have also dated many guys, and now I am getting married. Trust me, there's someone out there for you, you just have to shop around and try on some different ones for size.

Agreed. If you want to build any semblance of self-esteem and self-respect, you can't let others mess you around at their whim. Unless a sincere, believable apology is not received ASAP (preferably with a guarantee of passionate sex thrown in for good measure), this person has proved themselves unreliable, hence not *serious* relationship material.

No need to beat yourself up over it KenM.

Bovine excrement.

I can't agree with this advice. It just feeds resentment, creates all kinds of detremential ideas about human nature, & makes you less capable to date than you were before. In short, gets you nowhere.

We all ignore people one time or another. Maybe you don't feel like talking to someone because you're concentrating on something else, don't have much to say, don't have the time or energy, would rather watch tv, etc.... It's an ugly truth, but you just may not be the most important thing in the world to them at the moment. But so what? She just met you. She shouldn't be the most important thing to you in the world either. Definately not important enough to be complaining about.

If she never wanted to hear from you ever, she would not have talked to you in the first place or given you false hope to talk later; even once. Just forget her for now & send her a friendly e-mail a week later. Do not get angry with her. She'll sense it & run away if you do. Someone you just casually met online should not be able to evoke feelings like that yet.

Oh dear, here we all go again.


[edited for content by sinsboldly]