Anyone Have Trouble Saying "Hi"?

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Okay, this is something that has come up with me over and over again, and I was finally wondering if it was an "autistic" thing.

Today, when I went to one of my jobs- (I´m a dance teacher in various studios)- I was told by someone that the owner of one of the dance studios I work at is quite upset because apparently, when he says "Hi", to me, I don´t answer with a "hi", and, apparently, I turn my head away and don´t acknowledge him at all. My reaction to this: "What, he says hi to me?"

I can´t really remember much him saying "hi". Maybe he has, at times, but I´ve been in my own world? I think he also said "hi" to me occasionally, and I answered "hi" back; but in retrospect, I realize it could be that I didn´t give him eye contact...(i.e., maybe I did turn my head away?) I can´t really remember much at all in regards to this matter.... I felt quite bad about the whole thing, because I had no "logical" answer as to why I wasn´t acknowledging him....

This reminded me of something else that happened recently. I was sitting in the teacher´s room in yet another dance place that I work at, and one of the other teachers walked in. He tried to engage me in small talk (ugh); I tried to be polite and answer his questions, but then the conversation died out, so I was in my own world. Eventually, it was time to go, so I just walked out. As I was almost out of the building, I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to say "bye". Well, in Germany people seem to get really offended by this, so when I realized it, I walked back into the room and apologized to him for forgetting to say "bye"! Which probably added insult to injury... Not sure if I should have done that. But, I seem to have these problems a lot.

Can anyone else relate???

Yes. This is actually one of the more common autistic traits, if I recall correctly.

When I first began at Job Corps, this was a concept that I had not grasped at all. People would say "hi" when passing me in the halls, and they'd get extraordinarily upset because I'd completely ignore them. It was finally beaten into me (not literally! OK, maybe once) that I should say some form of greeting, or at least move my hand with my palm facing the person greeting me.

I still have trouble with it. Not just because of when I have trouble speaking at all, but sometimes, I'll forget that I'm supposed to say "hi," or I'll not even realize that the person is greeting me.

I have trouble knowing when it's appropriate to say "Hi." Today, I saw someone I know from my university classes at a restaurant and I wasn't sure whether I should approach him or just ignore him, since I didn't think he'd seen me. As it happens, he came over to where I was and said hello and gave me a hug. He's a sweet kid.

Very often, though, when walking through the halls at work I see people I recognise but don't know well and I wonder if I should be greeting them or saying goodbye as I leave my shift. I usually wait for someone else to say something in this case, or just wave and smile to them.

Funny thing is, I didn't have this problem of being anxious about it until I got into trouble for not doing it. Before, I would have done the same basic thing I do now, but I wouldn't have been worried about it.

Regards,

Patricia

I've thought about starting a topic about greeting people, but I figured that it was just a me thing. I am actually way better at saying hi to someone in a public place, or somewhere I will already be prepared to see them, or at least someone that I'll have to talk to. However, when people come into my home, and I'm not expecting them... I freeze. Pretty much any social encounter that I was completely not expecting, I freeze. Like, if one of my husband's friends drop by I will hide if I can. Once a conversation starts, I can usually keep it up, but for some reason it's the initiating of the conversation that I find difficult. I don't know when I'm supposed to initiate, and exactly what I'm supposed to say. Most people think that I don't like them, and I'm guessing that it has something to do with me never greeting them, and when I do it's really awkward.

I've also left a building, and had to return to say bye to someone after realizing that it's rude to walk out, and leave without letting them know you're leaving. To me, it seems pointless, but nonetheless it's seen as rude by others.

Edited to add: I will also hide in public places if I see someone I know before they see me, just because I don't know how to greet them. I think was caught doing this recently, and I really think I hurt someone's feelings. I feel bad, but it wasn't intentional, and it wasn't because I don't like this person.

Greeting people is still difficult. Most of the times I just say hi. But sometimes people expect more, like a short talk. Picking the right moments for the appropriate greeting or talk is difficult.

Some times I try to make a short talk and then they do not have time and they seem a bit annoyed.
And other times they comment on a later moment for not talking to them.

I wish people would just wear a talk-tag or something...

Yep. It was even worse in college. Everyone was pretty friendly, which was good since I was shy, but there was an irritating situation I kept finding myself in that no one else seemed to understand. On the main sidewalk to the dorms, I would often have people pass me going the other way, naturally, but they were people I didn't recognize so I would intend to pass them without saying anything, except that they would say hi to me right as they reached my shoulder. It incensed me after a while, because I was left with the decision about whether to ignore them, say hi over my shoulder (which they wouldn't hear) or actually stop, whirl around and say hi, which seemed like overkill, a lot of work for such a tiny, unnecessary word. I realize NTs would robotically just reply, but I took so long trying to figure out what they wanted from me that I ended up saying nothing. Who, I asked myself, does something like that, waits until they're almost past to say hi? That doesn't give me time to reply! Silly, I know, but it made me furious because I swear it kept happening. I got so I thought it was some subtle kind of prank. I still don't get it.

That used to be a big problem with me when i was a kid! A lot of the time i wouldn't notice someone talking to me, and then my mom or someone would tell me that not responding came off as rude. Even when i did hear them, there were a lot of times where it just didn't occur to me that i was supposed to respond, and when i did respond it was often in too low a voice for people to hear me. After my mom always pointing it out to me that i did that, i've improved a lot, and now i often say hi to people without them even saying hi first ("HI!! ! *insert big exaggerated waving hand motion*") Sometimes i still respond in too low a voice for people to hear, or don't know what exactly to say back, so sometimes co-workers or whoever will tell me that i didn't greet them or something... yeah. But, i'm still much improved.

I have the opposite problem - some people ignore me, even though I haven't had the opportunity to give offense. Then, when they need me, they become friendly.

I think I've gotten the 'passing Hi' auto response down OK... at least no one's gone off on me for that recently. But the small talk beyond that? I'm soooo lame. So often I can't remember much about the person beyond a name (if I'm that lucky).

And I have hidden from people I recognize, too, usually because I can't think of what to say... now, that's my true auto-response, hiding. Especially if there's been any oddness or tension in previous conversations.

Here's another twist... now I've got a small talk script...
How you been?
Fine. How things out your way?
Fine.
It's good seeing you again; I've gotta get some errands done, see you around.
Yeah, me too. See you.

Anyway, more or less. But there is one person I know that departs from the script... when I say 'How you been?' she tells me. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! So I hide from or ignore her, because my script doesn't work and I don't know what else to do.

I often have trouble saying hi, or approaching people I know. I often avoid them. I have been doing this all my life. I thought I was just shy. It's a huge problem and people probably think I am being snobby or weird. I am 33 years old and it bothers me a lot. I hate avoiding people. I haven't been diagnosed with Aspergers but I have taken online tests and they confirm I am.

Yes me too...this has been a problem with me several times. I'll walk into my locker room and just go straight to my locker without acknowledging anyone. I just want to change clothes quickly and continue my routine. Why do we have to say hi as soon as we see each other every day. It would make a lot more sense to say hi when you actually have something to say after it. It always feels awkard to just say hi and force some eye contact, then walk away.

If I initiate the 'hi,' it's much more okay than if a stranger initiates a 'hi.' If it's just a passing 'hi' (like I've never seen them before and they are walking the other direction down the street), then it doesn't bother me. However, if someone that sort of knows me incidentally initiates conversation, it makes me uncomfortable.

My train ride is like this. I see basically the same people every morning. Sometimes you "get to know" one or more of these people. It's okay in small doses, but once you have a small conversation, they sometimes feel it is their right to initiate more (and sometimes longer) conversations with you on subsequent mornings. If I'm feeling tolerant, I'll let it go, but usually I will try to avoid those people if I suspect that I might be within talking distance of them. I'll sit on a different level or pretend not to see them by avoiding eye contact. I feel kinda bad about this, because they seem like nice people.

It took me awhile to say 'hi' back after someone said it to me on the or other places. I remember an old man from my church getting upset because I never said hi to him when I saw him on the street.
As a kid I never said 'hi' or 'bye'. Someone said to me 'now don't be afraid to say 'goodbye.'
It was something I actually had to work really hard on.

I still get a bit stuck when people say 'it was nice to meet you.' Sometimes I say 'you too' but it doesn't feel like enough. I guess that's for another discussion though.

This may sound weird but when someone says "hi" to me, I'm too slow to react. What I ended up doing is raising my right in a greeting gesture and smiling. It seems to satisfy most people and makes me a bit different. Heh.

I always wonder why people say hi to me (or just my name), what their intentions are, I guess I'm a bit suspicious about people and their intentions because of being bullied my whole life.

I always take some seconds to determine friend or enemy, most of time when I decide to say hi back I'm almost out of hearing range, which makes it sound very awkward.

Also I think I sometimes don't hear or notice people because the filtering problem we aspies have.

Sometimes I also don't know whether I know a person well enough to greet them or not, most of the time I figure it out when I already passed them by.

I usually have no problem responding to someone's friendly greeting, once I've established that s/he actually wants to talk to me. I've had to actively self train myself to do this though. If anyone ever says "good morning" or "good afternoon" to me, I try to make the effort to respond out of politeness.

I can still be slow on the uptake though and can become confused if the situation is too crowded about who is talking to whom.

When I was very little, I used to say hello/hi to other people a lot. It really wasn't for want of trying. Most of the reactions I got to my friendly approaches were negative: either openly hostile or ignoring me altogether. Something was putting them off me. I suppose it was probably something non-verbal I wasn't doing, through no fault of my own or was never told that I had to do.

This is why unfortunately, I had to stop myself saying hello/hi to most other people as a self preservation mechanism. People seemed much more understanding and friendly if they said hello to me first and let me respond, than the other way round.

It's strange, but only a few of my really close friends and family didn't mind me saying hello to them at all. I could relax and approach these people first.

I can only really think of two instances where I actively approached a stranger to be friends and it worked. In both cases, these strangers were female, nice and extremely shy, so I was very much in control of the conversation.

In the end, my school life became so hectic that I didn't have much time to make new close friends anyway.

It's very strange, but I can say hello to people in another country in other languages much more easily than I can approach people in my home country. I suppose they'd put any faux pas down to me being a "foreigner". I don't feel so socially pressurised.

I can also run errands and perform/talk on stage, because both of these activities require rehearsed scripts.