NT needs advice about Aspie shutdown - please help me

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I need help. My Aspie friend of four years seems to be having a shut down. He very important to me and I want to be a good friend to him. We have met in person once but we chat and talk online almost daily. This happened once before last year after he moved to a new apt and I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks, then it was another week until he came back to chat. I remember begging him to come back and back then I know I contributed to the problem. I've since been careful to to be considerate of him.

He recently started a new job with late hours and again... I'm not hearing from him. Tomorrow makes another 3 weeks of silence and I'm worried this time it will be longer. I'm working out my own feelings of frustration and of being ostracized and trying to focus on him and what I can do to help him. I'm almost afraid to email anything to him now in fear of driving him further away.

My question is this, if you are going through a shut down and you have a good friend that you know cares about you, what would you want them to do if you were unable to tell them what you needed?
Should they continue to email you? or wait it out and be quiet?

Any suggestions on what I should say to him? I'm assuming he is overwhelmed by the job and new hours, I don't think I did anything wrong but I don't know anything for sure. I only know that he isn't online and talking to me. The last time I emailed him was Friday wishing him a Happy Birthday.

Thank you
(I am an NT)

He is probably just detaching from the world a little because he's overwhelmed. He'll come back.

I think it's ok to email from time to time to let him know you still care. Don't take it personally if he doesn't write back though. Shutdowns are best observed from a distance. They pass.

I have AS and my BF has AS. I've been through several shutdowns with him.

Do you think once a week is good? If I don't email at all, will he forget me and move on? I'm so afraid to do anything at this point. I really don't want to lose him forever.

You're a good friend to ask what to do.

I've actually lost friends during a shutdown. People take it so personally when I'm in one of my hermit phases.

Just send him the occasional email or voicemail message, but don't be pushy. He'll come out when he's ready.

Regards,

Patricia

I'm trying to be a good friend. I'm struggling so hard with my own feelings and trying not to take it personal. That's why I love this forum, I've been able to come here and gain insight from others to help me understand more.

I've been there, done that. Recently, after a lovely year or so, of friendship, I felt a shut down coming on. I told my friend that this happened sometimes, but wasn't sure if she would understand it. How it played out, was that I asked for a week of space. In which she musn't call me. I hoped that, if I had a week away from her, I could come out of it quicker. And it worked! I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but believe me, if she'd called anyway, whinged about me "being like this," etc., it would have destroyed the friendship completely. I've had thathappen, too. This other friend was constantly e-mailing, phoning, demanding to know what was wrong. Then, she decided to confront me. Started playing psychologist, accusing me of "pushing her away," etc. I finally pushed her away for good. If she'd let me alone, like I asked, maybe I would have returned to the friendship.

I understand your anguish. But I think you are doing the wise thing, not pushing to hard to get an answer. Maybe he will come back to the friendship. Maybe he won't. But believe me, I've been on the other end, and the more people pushed, the more I wondered how to avoid them. Hope that helps.

I wish I would have gotten a warning or an email asking for space. That would have made all the difference. As it stands, I have to figure this out like a puzzle.

What happened? Is it a shutdown? Is he mad?

Meanwhile, I've already sent some emails with a couple of them asking if everything was okay before I realized this was another long term shutdown. So now I wonder if I already damaged it. I know I analyze it too much. A week feels so long when your used to daily interaction.

A new job can be stressful (new social environment), and all the downtime someone can get is a good thing during those transitions. I don't think it is entirely unreasonable to just disappear for a while. When someone makes demands of me, at least to me, is pushing me away. When I'm really on a crunch at work, I tend to burn out mentally quickly, and don't have the mental energy to deal with social situations.

Friends come and go throughout life, everyone has things to do, and not everyone will always be on the same path together at all times. I could not possibly keep up with everyone who considers me a friend consistently, and have the social energy to hold a job and try to live a normal life.

Some time back someone passed along this resource to me on autistic shutdowns:

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1707940

What you're describing doesn't meet any definition of a shutdown I've ever heard of. I've always heard them described as lasting for hours at the most, not days or weeks, and as described in the link, renders the person incapable of doing something. I doubt a person experiencing a shutdown would be able to go to work.

It's not really possible for me to speculate what might be going on.

It seems unlikely he'll "forget you" or "move on".. given that trouble talking to people is one of the most prominent aspie features.. the not taking it personally I think is the most important part... sometimes when socializing seems too exhausting, and I kinda disappear for awhile, it makes it harder to come back, because I feel guilty, and like I should be all better, and more.. The shutdown is embarrassing, and then the thought of un-shutting-down seems so exhausting that it's even harder. Cause it's like "oh, now I have to explain everything and be normal and more social to make up for retreating" and then it's easier to keep hiding. Does that make sense?

He's almost certainly not mad. It's just that the new job is taking a lot out of him, and he doesn't have anything left over for socializing.

Most likely, he still considers you his friend, but has put a mental pause button on socializing for the moment. He probably doesn't have a clue that you expect him to constantly make contact with you.

Keep e-mailing him. Let him have his "shutdown". He may be being forced to socialize at work, and be using all his energy for that.

It needn't be long e-mails. Just kind of poke him once or twice a week and wait 'til he's ready to answer.

Believe me, silences in communication don't mean nearly as much for an introvert with AS as they do for a typical person. It's more like, you communicate when you get around to it, and otherwise take the friendship as a given. Not "take for granted"--it's hard to do that when you have so few friends--but just kind of expect that it'll be there. That can be a mistake, or it can be a sign of trust. Depends. It's a little like Aspies in romantic relationships sometimes have to be informed that their partner expects to be told they are loved more than just once--the Aspie figures that once they have been told, they will know it.

To typical people, I think, talking and "hanging out" serves to strengthen relationships just like a troop of monkeys' grooming behavior; only hands-free. You may be talking about something you both already know, or saying very little of real consequence; but the conversation serves a function because it reminds you both that you are friends/dating/whatever. Aspie... not so much. Once you learn about a fact, you pretty much file it away in your mental database and keep it there unchanged unless you learn different. And if the fact is, "X is my friend," and it's been firmly filed away, then said Aspie will believe that person is his friend without needing to be reassured constantly (well, most of the time; there will always be exceptions, especially those who have had a lot of rejection). And if said Aspie assumes his friend has got the same fact filed away, and doesn't need constant "grooming" any more than he does... well, then you can easily get the idea that your Aspie friend doesn't care.

An Aspie introvert like me generally takes people in small doses. The last friend I had moved away, and I saw him once a month--sometimes twice. That was comfortable for both of us, it seems, as we are both autistic! Many introverts, Aspie or not, would prefer to spend most of their time alone, and spend small amounts of time with a small number of close friends. This doesn't make them any less of a friend; it's just a different style of relating to people.

Why does his behavior bother you? What are your intentions? It seems likely that you really shouldn't consider this relationship to be a credible and convincing possibility for moving in a sexual direction. You definitely need to look elsewhere for that. Whatever issues this guy is facing, it's not your problem and he probably won't welcome your actions if you make it your problem.

I've had an issue with a female friend who would only see me once or twice a year. She would start up an exchange, meet me, and then gradually taper off and eventually no longer respond. I have had trouble reading other people's intentions, and I was unsure whether I had made her uncomfortable by coming on too strong, or disappointed her by not coming on strongly enough. I was left to wonder, what side of this thing was I on?

I was unsure of her intentions. Normally, I would have taken her lack of contact as an indication that having a lot of interaction with me is not real high on her list of priorities, and immediately friendzoned her, but there were red flags in her behavior that led me to believe something was wrong with her. This concern threw a monkeywrench into my ability to interpret her intentions. I believed she was in danger, and I took on the role of offering medical advice. Talk about taking the unwanted initiative! In the future I will only take other people's actions at face value and treat them with the same level of priority with which they treat me.

His behavior bothers me because in 4 years, this is the 2nd time he's disappeared for 3 weeks in the span of one year. I have no intentions. We are friends. I would like a closer relationship but he has said no to that.

Why is he so important to me? Because he is full of positive energy, he is fun and radiates a playful quality that seems to balance out the negative energy in my life. He gives me balance and happiness. I feel complete just talking to him. Very selfish reasons but those are the ones that keep me here.

I love him. Very pure and simple.