Help me please.....my husband doesn't understand

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Could someone please tell me what I should do? I have been married for 12 years. I was a good wife for the first year but I think my husband has been miserable the past 11. I do not have a diagnosis, or ever been to the doctor for one. I have a little boy that was diagnosed w/ASD PDD-NOS and another that will be evaluated soon (suspected of HFA or Aspergers). Only after researching autism because of my children, did I realize that I probably have some form of it myself. I have always known that I was different, I just didn't know what it was. I love my husband and I think he is to the point that he cannot put up with me anymore. I am a horrible housekeeper. I hardly show him any affection, not by choice, it just doesn't come natural to me with him. When I try to get close to him, it makes me feel like he is a complete stranger (or I worry to death that I am bothering him in some way). With that, we have a very limited sex life. I have no sex drive and I have no idea why. He thinks that I don't want to be with him, have someone else or am repulsed by him, which none of those things are true. I very much want to do these things with and for him, I just can't. He is a man and deserves these things from his wife. I know he can't go on forever without trying to find someone who can do these things for him. About the house, it isn't filthy, just cluttered and messy. I pray for energy or drive or whatever it is to make me be the woman that can keep it the way it should be, to no avail. I am very forgetful. I can't remember simple things, 'tell someone this' or 'pay these bills', yet I can remember crazy things like phone numbers from childhood. He gets so aggrevated with me about this too. I do stupid things, thinking I'm doing them for a good reason or say stupid things, which make sense to me. Everything just builds up and I feel like I am very misunderstood and a failure at everything. I rarely sleep in our bed, almost always on the couch. I either can't sleep and watch tv until I fall asleep or sleep there by choice, my thought is that if someone breaks in, the kids get up or fire or whatever, I'm more likely to hear them in the front room vs. being in my back bedroom. I obsess over someone coming in and me not hearing them, I have 3 kids and he works swing shift, so it's habit for me to sleep on the couch. I constantly think that he is mad at me and become a nervous wreck, causing me to ask him over and over again if he's mad or what's wrong. This pisses him to no end. Another thing is that when telling him something, I have to tell every detail, which makes a 2 minute story into 10, he doesn't want to hear all that, just the point of the story. Anyway, sorry for going on and on. I just need someone's advice that can relate to how I feel and think. He has NEVER done any research on autism (with the kids) or read anything about it, only what I have told him, which I'm not sure if he's in denial or what. I want to be with him forever. I just don't have an explanation to him for the way I am about things. Are these things typical of someone on the spectrum? Am I just lazy? Please let me know what I should do. Thanks for taking the time to read.

can be a problem, and I find that if I don't write down out-of-routine things, I forget. A written schedule that you check off can be a life saver in the organizational department.
Some people on the spectrum find it difficult to "remember" to tell or show people they love them. Again, you have to consciously make it part of your daily routine. You aren't scheduling your love, just remembering to express it. NT's need to hear it alot.
Once you get into a routine of sleeping a particular way, you may find it difficult to break.

Talk to him. Everything that you have written here. Good luck.

I have the same kind of a problem, but I am the husband. I hope I'll learn to talk to her. It sure is not easy.

looks like your executive functioning isn't too good huh?

I have the same problem with cleaning, I just can't do it. I don't earn much money but I'd rather not eat for 3 days and pay for a cleaner to come and clean my house than do it myself. I'm pretty sure that it's never going to change but I live on my own so it doesn't bother anyone.

maybe that would be a good idea for you? at least with some housekeeping stuff?

you have to make time for sex. i know it's not the most important thing in the world, but when you abstain in a relationship, your partner is likely to feel that you are denying them sex. it's hard for anyone (spectrum or not) to truly see things from someone else's perspective. especially if he doesn't know that you suspect you are on the spectrum. you obviously love him very much or this wouldn't cause you such distress.

i'm not saying you should do anything that will make you unhappy. maybe if you discussed this with him and tried to explain where your issues are and see if you can work out an arrangement that works for both of you. maybe a night out (or in) once a week with just you two. i know this is hard with an erratic schedule, but it doesn't have to be the same day each week.

if your libido is completely nonexistent, you might consider talking to your doctor about ways to help with that. if you're on any medications, they might be contributing to this. if not, there are medications out there that may help you.

the hardest part of this situation will likely be what's currently being left unsaid. i don't have any good advice for that.

good luck.

Yes, my executive functioning is almost non-existant. You nailed it. Is there any known reason for this? I haven't looked into it, although, I will after I post this... I did put together a 'chore list' to start with on Monday, I'm hoping that will help me in some way. Any help, I think, will be progress. I do write lists out when I have to go somewhere for something...grocery, wal-mart.. I do remember to tell him that I love him, it's more the affection (huggin, cuddling) that I have a hard time with, which is what he's needing. I think I may make reminder notes to put around the house that only I will see, that may help with the action of doing it, at least it will be trying. I have tried before to tell him that there are things about me that I have no control of and started once to tell him I thought I was on the spectrum, he shut me down telling me that everyone has something wrong with them and that it was an excuse. Maybe I could get every thought out in a note to him and leave it for him to find somewhere without me there, so he has no choice but to read it? I seem to communicate my thoughts better in writing vs. face to face. I am on an antiseizure medication, you think that could have something to do with the libido? I will look into that too. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Thank you all for your advice too. I really appreciate it. I will let you know if I make any progress.

Medications can have all kinds of side-effects. You need to contact your physician to find out if the libido problem is associated with yours.

Regards,

Patricia

Gee I wish people could learn to use paragraphs.

You have a problem but so does your husband.

You really need to tell him how you feel and how your mind works.

Perhaps together you can work out a compromise.

Sorry Wombat.

Thanks for pointing out another one of my flaws.

I really appreciate it.

I'll try harder next time.

Just for you.

Hope this is better.

Thanks.

ibillymom:

Sorry to have sounded flippant. You have a serious problem and I don't know how to advise you.

Read this forum and advise your husband to read this forum.

We have certain problems and if our partners understand this then they can make up for our failings.