Do you unintentionaly drive away friends?

Post Reply New Topic

I have a very strange relationship with people, I either bug them, contacting them ALL the time or sometimes i go for months with no contact at all.
I think this gives a bad image of myself and sometimes believe they think i'm taking advantage of their hospitality, then when i don't need them i ignore them because they're not important to me.
This however is not the case and i think i do this because i can only think about 1 or 2 things at a time and tend to obsess over people and things.

I do the same. I called it "overcompensating."

I crave human interaction, but I'm so poor at it that it often goes bad. In the past, when I got in social situations, I would try to squeeze every last drop out of the experience, and I'm sure I came across as a nut many times. I have no doubt that pushed many people away from me. Kind of like a neglected dog that won't leave you alone because it's starved for affection.

There was also a time when I was mean to people. Not overtly (I never saw it until someone pointed it out to me), but I had a lot of pain from always being rejected. I grew comfortable with that pain and was actually fearful of being in a situation where someone liked me, so I subconsciously ensured a negative outcome because I knew how to deal with that pain.

From an NT perspective, I'm currently in a month long absence from my aspie friend and it's driving me nuts. We spent almost every day talking for 4 years. He suddenly didn't come back, no warning, no email saying "I need some time away". I'm wondering what I did wrong and thinking it's my fault. I wish he was back and contacting me all the time. I loved it.

My suggestion is if you have some friends and you feel like you need time away, just let them know before it happens (if you can). That can save the friendship. The person left alone won't be left feeling ostracized and hurt. Or let them know ahead of time, say "if this happens then it means I can't handle everything".

Hope that helps.

Thanks Butterflair maybe you should phone your aspie friend just to say hi and also to prove to him it's a 2 way friendship.
One of the worst things for me is that i was virtualy allways the one to make contact, i would be very happy if friends phoned me more often.
About the disapearing, even I don't know when it's going to happen, so how can i tell others?

I don't have his phone number or I would do that. All I can do is send email. I've sent plenty of them. I'm trying to back off for a bit.

As far as the disappearing, you could bring it up when things are going fine. Example, if my friend would say... "there are times that I might disappear for awhile, don't worry, it won't be you and I'll be back when I can". That would help a lot.

Four years and this is the second time it's been a long absence.

I can drive friends away with my intensity. Also I'm afraid to initiate things with people often, because I'm afraid of rejection (even with friends). Though I do get very, very attached and hate change, and losing a friend (or just even becoming more distant from a friend) is very hard on me. Sometimes I also get bursts of anger if someone lies to me or does something that seems unjust to me. I need to communicate better so I don't cause discomfort in relationships.

I don't think I behave in an overly friendly manner, but I do know what you mean about feeling alone even in a group. That's why I tend to avoid group activities. I very rarely feel lonely when I'm by myself, only when I go to parties, etc.

I'm another one who drives people away by disappearing on them, though. I've lost a number of friends because I pulled away for a time. They think it's because I don't care about them, but really it's just that I need time to myself. I never know when it's going to happen, so I can't warn anyone and then I feel bad about reconnecting with them after so long.

Regards,

Patricia

I become estranged from my friends one by one by one.It is difficult to gain new comrades because people seem to have a strong aversion to my atypical personality,too odd intense academic,,,though adults seem to love me.It is difficult being an aspie adolescent without adequate social skills.

I go through the same thing with my on-going friends that I've had for years. Now I have the excuse of my kids and life and being too busy, but I was that way before I had kids. Most of my friends don't seem to mind. One friend hates it when I never answer the phone (as opposed to missing a call) and the rest just tend to hate it if I don't return their calls. But I notice when I go through a phase where I'm ready and wanting to hang out for a while, I get mad then I'm like, "Why didn't you call and invite me." Really, I probably need to be inviting them to do something.

I can't really add much to this discussion except to say that every single one of the scenarios described on this thread is all too familiar to me - so yes, I'd wager that there is a connection between being aspie and driving away friends.

The only thing I will also say, though, is that some of the people I've been friends with have had mental health issues of their own (alcoholism, depression, and in one case, paranoid schizophrenia) so it hasn't always been a one-way street. I think it's important to bear in mind that other people have their own issues before one beats oneself up too much about not being able to maintain friendships. After all, there's no rulebook that says friendships have to be permanent - but because changes in routine and surroundings upset us more than they do NT people, many of us have a tendancy to look inward and blame ourselves for the fact that not all social connections last forever.

Hey justin hope yo're well apologies for not calling te past 2 weeks have been heptic I'll send u a message of a time

Yeah for me though I am a bit over friendly but very closed I spend a lot of my time online doing other things an people just wiggan out and not bother I guess it because I get wrapped up in my own thing to be honest I say screw it because its my life and have lived a lot of my life going mentall from place to place however I hve a few friends my one friend maria who calls me every day or two and I tch her through to skype so I can work and talk at the same time. So its convieniant for both of us then I have my uni friends who I live with and then my friend chris who I see every monhs so its good for me because have structure

oh yes. especially the whole "falling out of contact" with people. it seems difficult. even when i really want to keep up with people, they tend to "fall off the radar screen" with relative ease.

i think i've tried to overcompensate. amend that--i've definitely tried to overcompensate with others. i hate to think that's so (after all--"who needs people?") but that's true too.

I have driven people away before. Now I just don't care, I try not to care if I really liked someone.