Did morbid sensitivity ruin you?

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I've come to believe that it was my sensitivity that did the real damage to my mind. It's like someone would say something rotten, I'd take it too hard, the offender would pick up on that, and from there it got worse. And the problem is, if you're hurting that bad, you can't joke back, and a comeback just invites more hurtful banter. Thin skin makes it so hard to reach out: it's too risky. I try to remind myself that I get hurt way more easily than most, and I make it worse in my mind than it really is, but that doesn't always help.

Or...

are negative social experiences all part of being on the spectrum? A combination, maybe?

Also, hurtful comments eat away at me long after they've been said. I ruminate and replay what was said, and it's like a thorn in my side. I just can't let it go. It can lead to severe internal anger. Even when I'm not thinking about it, it still swims around in me and hurts. I hope somebody can relate!

That totally did me in when I was in junior high.

yes
it sounds like very true and accurate description
at least for me
guess it's the reason i prefer to be alone

a bit.

like in Poe stories only not as crazy/fatal.

I'm not sure we get hurt way more than most, considering the number of NTs whose feeling I have hurt by some casual off-hand remark, but it is true that our minds certainly escalate the pain. It may not seem like it, but the fact that you've even noticed the part your mind plays in making things worse is fantastic... it's something that can be worked with and decreased.



Yes, we are often misinterpreted and blamed and attacked. Shunned and excluded. Because of our inability to read subtle social cues, we come off as odd, offensive, disrespectful, and frequently say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Everyone has a tendency to putdown and deride people who make them feel uncomfortable, AS and NT alike. There's just so many of more of them; it's difficult being in the minority.



This is also an AS trait, known as perseveration. It is difficult, but there are meditation techniques that will lessen its impact on you... I use them myself. I also use meditation to diffuse the anger...

Ditto. I've got a pretty hard shell as the outside world views it. I know I come as quite the nasty person because I won't speak to or even look at people if I can at all avoid it because it bothered me to remember all the awkward social situations and stares of others, so I stopped interacting entirely. I have been debating how to attempt to re-enter society without exposing myself to too much of the misery it once brought me. I know that with all such things there is a certain risk, but I have been indulging my fear too long and can't even remember what it was like to want to talk to people anymore. I too often tend to relate to what their saying with a story about myself, or to try to entertain them with a humorous anecdote. But no matter how they respond, I feel uneasy, like I'm just back to my old childish ways of dominating the conversation and cutting people off to continue my thought after a too-lengthy pause. I guess I just can't face the awkward silences, misplaced laughter, and exchanged glances of even the most well-meaning conversationalists. I'd rather just sit back and listen until their banal, repetitious tripe becomes too much and then absent myself into my own thoughts, or even from the scene entirely. But to attain that level of acceptance, that degree of understanding that you are different, you have to get to know them first. Catch-22.

I also have trouble letting things go, and I hate it. It just feels like if a thing was never resolved in a satisfactory manner, it cannot be forgotten. Maddening.

seems like your only sane option is to communicate with people who have similar sensitivities
i gave up long ago on re entering society
we burn
all we can hope for is to meet some one in space
an alien like us

Thank you, one and all for your input! I feel a little better. It got so bad yesterday ( the rumination and the feeling of helplessness ) that I started contemplating suicide, and the idea became disturbingly comforting. I hope I never get there again, but it can happen so quick if I get angry and the past comes back to torture me. God it sucks.

Yes. I've been manipulated and bullied and still hold a seething grudge years later. I think it's the feeling of powerlessness, but what was done hurt me so much more than it would an NT because I was so vulnerable to it. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one to feel this way.

I've contemplated suicide plenty. But that's all I do. I think it over for a while, and then get back to living. Maybe it isn't healthy to even think about, but really, I'd never do it. I think if I was capable of it, I would have done it by now. Perhaps I've committed a sort of social suicide, but that's it. The mistake people make is in thinking you have just the two choices of living or dying. So simple-minded, really. I can give up on some parts of living a lot easier than others. I wouldn't scrap the good bits so easily. They're mine to keep while I can. I also happen to be one of those oft-mocked individuals who believes in life both before and after this one, not earthly life, mind you, but life, and that suicide is a sin like any other murder, but I have free will. If I wanted to, I could, come what may. But I don't.

Besides, suicide wrecks one of life's biggest surprises. How do I buy it? I've wondered for years. I'd never find out if I went and took matters into my own hands. And I'm just too danged curious for that. It'll be a big let-down if it's just the same old family heart disease. On the other hand, the more gruesome ways certainly don't attract me. I wouldn't want to suffer, or be afraid, but for crying out loud, I wouldn't want to finish off life bored either.

Do you suppose this is the kind of talk that puts people off? Well, it's their loss.There's plenty of things I'm too sensitive about, but it works both ways. There's plenty of nonsense (in their opinions) I've said to offend them just because their heinies are too pinchy to allow certain subjects for open discussion. And they offend me every time they assume things about me. It's looking more and more like this means war. Or not. I talk big.

Everyone I know has thought about suicide at some point. I heard a Zen priest talk about how everyone experiences the lure of just ending it all, seems so simple when life gets complicated and painful. She herself had gone through two different bouts of cancer and all the horrendous treatments for that and had felt the allure of all the pain, nausea, weakness, mental confusion just ending. But them she talked about how life is such a powerful force it just draws us forward, entices and tempts our curiosity, and we keep going, passing through the pain and remembering the small joys of being alive.

Like this morning's sunrise... it was lovely.



Likewise... I really enjoy the world... people are a bit tricky as I'm not really wired for them, but the rest? I love mountains and oceans, birds and the sound of crickets at night. Chocolate, fresh ripe strawberries, dogs, clouds....



No way could life be boring... I'm worn out and boring sometimes, but there's always something interesting going on. I'm not so curious about how I die as how I live... but in any case... bring it on!



^^^ Yep. One of the refreshing things about this forum is no topic is really off-limits as long as people are half-way polite and restrained in their crudity. I got thrown off another site for telling someone to not get their knickers in a twist, reprimanded on another for mentioning I was enjoying a nice glass of Merlot while posting. Talk about offensive! What kind of la-la land do those folks want to live in? Pretty sure no Aspies or honest folks allowed...

I get this as well and sort of deal with this by replacing the hurtful comment with something good someone has said about me or a good social experience. Therefore if it gets stuck in my head then I can only benefit from it.

Oh hell no you're not alone. I sometimes scare myself with the amount of rage that explodes in me over these things. I can't even handle being told to shut up. I go into a massive rage attack very fast.

I am also very easily made to feel powerless..

I never understand it but I still get very nervous...to the point of tears...whenever I need to talk about something under a high stress situation...whether it's defending myself against an accusation or whether it's fighting back against a bad grade I got. I even break down whenever I try to get counseling help.

Then I get so angry afterward. I haven't been able to stop this even after decades of doing it.

Yes that is pretty much it. I still remember things that were done to me back when I was a kid and they still bring up the old feelings. I even still remember embarrassing things I did when I was a kid and the negative reactions I got from them.

I've been wondering, though... We all have this issue, but is it not AS specific but the long-term effects of severe bullying? How many of us have been subject to it? For whatever reason, we're sensitive and give them their buzz, getting a rise out of us, so we get the long-term teasing and bullying because the low-brains come back for more.. And we can't let it go because that's one of the hardest things for a victim who never got justice, letting go of what was never resolved. There will never be any apology and so in some way we try to take it out on the cosmos or the whole human race... I myself sent back a nasty response to my 10 year high school reunion invitation, knowing it was the wrong thing to do, mean-spirited, peevish, vengeful, and to make it that much worse... futile. None of them remember doing anything to me, I'm sure. I know it was a long time ago. And still seeing them would only make me angry. If one of them were to try to strike up a friendly conversation with me, I couldn't bear it, I'd tell them off, and why? They don't remember, or don't care. But I would. I wouldn't want someone to do the same to me, and still I would.

With that history, every snub or criticism since, however small, has come as a reawakening of the helplessness, the abandonment, the feeling of being too pathetic to hate but unable to hide or run away from the constant observations about just how pathetic and repulsive I was, being sent back day after day to be the school's personal punchline. I've come to expect everyone to discard me eventually. It's a miracle that I have managed to stay married for 16 years without actually sabotaging it. We intend to continue indefinitely. Y'see, he's been treated badly, too. Differently, but badly.

So really, post-traumatic stress disorder seems indicated for some of us. I hate to be some over-aged emo eating my heart out over it... it's just that I still don't know how to forgive what was never acknowledged. I think I'd have to find some sorrt of understanding for their view, and probably could do it... the block lies before that. I know that I desperately don't want to understand. All that would be left would be to forgive these little fools and to see years of my own foolishness in not letting it go sooner.

And there's also the fact that I still get funny looks every time I open my mouth.