Negative attitudes in men

Post Reply New Topic

I have been thinking about how negative attitudes can take over us, and have a strong influence on our potential for relationships. Women love positive guys, who are just light and funny at all times. I have difficulty with this... I'm prone to being pretty serious, my humor is often sarcastic/considered weird by some, and I have a real problem with negativity. I am almost 26, and I have really let my frustrations get to me the past couple years especially. I've gotten very frustrated with life... people wise, and connected to AS... and I know it's been a destructive force in my life.

I have seen different counselors, tried getting advice from people, etc. but people just say you have to be positive and good people will come to you. I just don't understand this. It's so easy to slide back into the negative thinking, because it is all I know. Anger/frustration at AS, an unfulfilled social/romantic life, and a lot of frustration to do with work/school. I feel like women sometimes get a sense from me that there is something bad inside me, or that I just have very few good qualities. I've dated maybe 4 girls in the last year and a half. 3 of those 4 won't talk to me ever again. I'm not exaggerating. The other one I don't want to talk to ever again.

I have heard NT's talk to other NT's about a negative outlook being toxic for a man who wants relationships, and I wonder if this is just compounded by the AS. We all know there is no shortage of frustrated guys here with a negative outlook on life... I am wondering what people think.

I am trying to change my life situation... I am busting my ass trying to finish school this summer, but then I have my next problem: I'm an AS guy with a mediocre degree that relies very heavily on social skills if I am going to turn it into a career... long story short, university has been the source of a pile of problems in my life. I know things will at least improve *A LITTLE* by me finishing, even if it just means I go headfirst into another universe of problems.

The thread I started a while back now entitled "for all the self critical males" basically posed the same questions. Are we in fact the ones who are destroying our own chances at finding love?

By being negative all the time, we probably are.

I completely understand, I am the same. I suppose a change in thinking is applicable. However being able to do so, is really the hard part. I know this might sound silly, but I am not all that positive about me being able to get over my negativity. It's as you say, all I know.

I onus is on us. We need to become more open in our thinking. Sometimes it's easier to be alone.

I can completely relate to what you’re saying – the hopeless feeling of being trapped in a no-good and ever destructive catch-22 situation. University-studies have lately been a part of my current problems as well, as I recently came to realise that the last three semesters have been completely wasted on courses I strongly regret I took. The effects upon my self-esteem, economy and social life (I took distance courses so I interacted very little with people) have been severe. So now I have to start over again, with my financial debts and social frustration steadily mounting.

This summer has been dedicated to prepare for what the next semester will bring, I like to think of it as preparing for war (military history is one of my aspie special interests so…). All I can do is to study self-help books (NLP, social skills and body language for instance) and try to establish a more positive outlook in life. I’ve been looking for- and gotten into activities that occasionally get me out of the house, such as attending a two-day festival last month, I’ve also been exercising. I think there really are no shortcuts in improving one’s ability to enjoy life. Overcoming bitterness is a battle that has to be won before I or any other guy for that matter, whether aspie or NT, can hope to attract girls. It’s awfully hard for most of us, I know, and sometimes the task seems insurmountable, but there’s really no way around it.

The fact that more males are born than females and the biology of paternal/maternal certainty has nothing to do with the difficulties we face (Sarcasm). Don't you know that it's the attitude of scarcity that creates scarcity? If you could just change your attitude, the scarcity will go away! Difficulties with dating, oil at $140 per barrel, no god, these things are all about attitude! You're just not imagining hard enough! You've got to believe!

Just dont care about being positive or negative. Just be who you are. You'll find it will alienate the people you dont want around you and you'll discover that people you like will start to enjoy you more.


And as for school and a degree, there are tons of fields out there that you can get a job in regardless of your degree, really only things like engineering and medical do you need a specific degree in. Most companies just want you to have a degree, they will teach you the rest. Other than fields like engineering and medical, most companies just see a degree as a sign that you have the ability to multitask and handle large amounts of work (typically what college is).
I have a degree in graphic arts, after graduating I worked as a shipping/receiving manager for a furniture store then as a project estimator for a commercial construction compnay and now do project management for that company. Just absolutely no relationship to what I studied.

So maybe that's a little bit of a derail to your point, but something that will maybe help lift the outlook you have on post-graduation.

Space -- have you tried antidepressants?

From what I understand, for many people these were the breakthrough. They tried therapy, counseling, positive thinking, etc., but kept finding their brain pushing them back to the negative ruminations. They then try antidepressants, problem solved suddenly.

There are of course downsides to antidepressants, as the initial weeks of use tend to leave the person slightly more likely to do impulsive things (like suicide), but in the long term it has really helped some people through tough spots. I have multiple relatives and friends this has worked for.

I have been on them in the past, but not for many years. I suppose that is the next step I could take. I'm thinking I will put that idea on hold for the next month or two, because I might be undergoing some big life changes. If things don't improve by then, I suppose it will be the only thing left.

I'm an NT woman in an on-off relationship with a man who has lots of AS tendencies (I don't know if he has Asperger's or not), and he's very negative - about himself and the rest of the world.

I have told him on several occasions that I accept him for who is, and I have no desire to 'fix' him. What I struggle with most is not wanting him to change, but rather his unwillingness to find ways to manage the reality of who he is and what he goes through.

He shares very little of himself with me and keeps even the most mundane details of his life close to his chest. What would mean the most to me when sorting through our problems is honest communication. What I long for is to find productive ways to manage what he goes through. Maybe I'm being too idealistic, but surely there is way to be proactive.

I once read on a bipolar site about a woman who created cards so that those around her would know what she needed when she was stressing in various situations. That's what I want. I want to know specifically what my friend needs (how he comforts himself) when he's having a meltdown, or when he's overstimulated, or when he craves a month of solitude.

So, I guess what I'm saying in terms of relationships is that (only speaking for myself) this is what I would need to move forward from friendship into something more serious. I believe it would encourage trust. And it would take out a majority of the guess work (that the NT goes through) and add a lot of security and peace.

And if you don't know how to self-soothe, and you don't know how to cope, then I think that would be well worth looking into and working on. I think any woman coming into your life would benefit from your effort to understand yourself prior to bringing her into your world.

Well for me its hard to stay positive about trying to get into a relationship when you get rejected ALL THE TIME.

I keep trying to change things and figure out why this keeps happens but nothing I do helps. Same result, rejection.

Hard not to be negitive when all you have know is rejection.

Well why do you care so much about what other people/girls think about you?
being rejected, big deal...only stupidity at work
Do you want to be a NT? If you do, it prolly won't happen..

I just want more people to accept me, and I want a relationship. This eats at me day and night.

pathetic? Probably. I just need something in my life I enjoy enough that I don't care about that stuff as much.

Well we certainly can relate on certain levels. So I will go by topic, so this doesn't turn into a jumbled mess of run on sentences.

Romance/Relationships

Looks like we've had our share of misfortune in this area. What a surprise, considering what we are You say you've dated 4 girls in the last year in a half, right? Well I consider that pretty good compared to some of our autistic brethren. I myself have been single 22 years, with no relationship to speak of. Although your relationships ended on a very sour note, you at least have so experience in the matter of dating.

Now as for myself, I have been rejected many times throughout the years, and I had to figure out a way to cope with being alone. At first, when I got rejected often, I wondered if there was something wrong with me. When I saw that I did nothing wrong, I blamed women for being "superficial and petty". Over time, I realized that my female peers were not as hateful as I thought, but they didn't seem to have an interest in me. After a while I thought "Why have wasted so much effort and time on women who never noticed or cared about me?. Why should I care about what they think of me?"

It was at this point I became apathetic about love and relationships. Yes, I know what I'm about to engage in is allness, sweeping generalizations, and whatever else. I know people are going to say that about what I have to say, but quite frankly I don't care. I reasoned that "since my female peers rejected me romantically, I will reject them as they have rejected me." It is isn't like women are going to go up to me and ask me out, so I won't have to reject them. But since I believe that most women don't care for me at all, I feel no need to put myself out there. I can focus on other things of more noteworthy importance.

Yes, it is negative thinking, but tell me, what is the worst of the two scenarios?: Believing that there is some girl out there who cares about you and you getting stabbed in the heart every time you get rejected OR accepting that women don't care about you and since they don't care for you, why should you care about them? Yes, it is a distorted reality, but one where you don't feel the need to submit yourself to unnecessary pain or sorrow. I honestly don't consider 95% women worth the effort and pain we go through chasing them.


Anger/frustration at AS

Another issue that I deal with often. I used to get so angry and furious at being autistic because I felt so weak and unable to defend myself. Whenever people acted aggressively towards me, or got angry at me, the "fight or flight" instinct would kick into me, and I would become very scared and anxious. I would feel extremely light in my limbs and body, my breath would get shallow, and I would be disorientated from the situation. It took a good five to ten minutes to regain my composure fully, and then I was back to normal. I used to get furious at God, saying "Why do I have to be a scared little b***h every time people act aggressively towards me? Why can't I lash out back at them, like normal people!? Why can't I become angry!?".

I finally realized that there was nothing I could do, and that since there was nothing I couldn't do, I just had to accept the fact that I was autistic, and that every time this happened, it would happen. Acceptance is the only the way of coping, because there is no cure for autism, so one just has to accept the reality of the issue and try to get by as best as possible, or that's what I think. You might be kicking and screaming, but it is going to happen, no matter what you do.

Everything I've read in the mental health realm has said that while this is the natural reaction, it's also the wrong one, and one that will push you further in the direction you don't want to be. Put efforts instead into self-analysis or treatment, but don't self-isolate.



I used to have this issue as well -- cowardice in the face of adversity or danger. I've gradually overcome it. The solution is to either find a way to be deathly calm, or find a way to trigger such a feeling of injustice and rage that you are like an unstoppable berserker.

I definitely don't recommend the second... as a child, I was prone to violent outbursts at the slightest sensation of adversity... it didn't do wonders for my social interactions, let me tell you...

In a sense, I've always had the inverse problem: reining in my aggressive tendencies... Nowadays I can control it by not letting my brain process feelings of adversity until the situation has passed, often by overworking myself so my brain doesn't have time to handle it...

What does turn me into the world's biggest coward, however, is the unfamiliar... if I haven't experienced something before in my life, my brain locks up because it can't handle the new input...

I certainly agree with you on a logical level. However on an emotional one, it is difficult to be rejected every time you try to go after a girl and keep your objectivity. I know I am advocating a defeatist attitude, but is it really worth pursuing women if the majority of them are just going to reject you? I think not trying is a better thing to do than trying, because if you try and fail, you'll just become more resentful and more angry, you can certainly trust me on that.

When I didn't care about pursuing women anymore, I learned not to resent them as much. Yes, I know, a blatant generalization, because "not all women are the same". Well that is very true, but again, if confronted with a negative stimulus for a long period of time, it is much harder to be positive/objective and easier to fall into negativity/subjectivity. Just because "not all women are the same" doesn't mean you will meet that special someone. Nor does it mean that you will encounter a lot of women who care about you romantically.

I would say, don't ever give up on women alltogether. Maybe your experiences can teach you a few things. So the really pretty girl who is popular and outgoing rejects you, or the party girl, or whatever, then maybe those types of girls aren't worth pursuing. Not many girls in our age group (early to mid 20's) are worth dating... they are too obsessed with popularity and partying, etc. Those girls, no, you probably have zero chance with and should give up on.

That being said, learn to look for the good girls... the ones A) worth having a relationship with and B) have enough going on inside them to appreciate someone intelligent, different, and with a lot going on inside them. They are hard to find, but they are out there. Lots of them are snatched up too (which makes sense).

But also, when you (and me) get older, lots of the girls who are out of our league now are going to change and become a lot more humble as life kicks their ass and they are still single... it will be easier to stand out then, because they'll be sick of all the badboys and alcoholics, and realize their looks won't last forever so they have to start paying attention to the guys they used to ignore.

I guess for me, I have given up on all the party girls and superficial girls... I don't try and pursue that anymore. But I am on the lookout for a girl with some intelligence and some morals who won't write me off immediately. They are tough to find but it's not easy to find quality right now... most people have zero morals and little intelligence these days...