Envy

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Envy may be defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."[1] It can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been he or she who had the desired object.[2][3]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy

Envy is an interesting emotion isn't it?

Last edited by Mw99 on 28 Jul 2009, 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What I wonder sometimes is the difference between envy and admiration.. is it just that it's envy if you don't like the person? Like if you wish you did something as well as somebody else does something, is that envy? Or is it only envy if you try to put them down because of it?

Admiration is when you admire someone for what they have done and you think it's great that they have done it. Envy is different, it's when you think that it should have been you who got something or did something that another person did. Envy can lead to hate and wanting to get revenge on another person where as admiration is quite simply admiring them.
For example, when I was 10 there was this girl at my school who was practically perfect. She always got excellent grades, won many competitions and even though she wasn't popular everyone seemed to think she was a nice person. I envied her because I worked so hard and couldn't achieve half as what she did. She didn't even have to try! I hated her because she reminded me of what I could have been, I thought..."It should be me!". That was envy.

I once envied this guy who was good at computers. I was too but everyone in my class, especially my teacher thought he was the best so when we got a project he did all of the computer related stuff.
My envy pretty much turned to hate.

So it's only envy when it's negative?
I know one girl who writes all this wonderfully inspirational stuff about eating disorder recovery and giving everything to God, and sometimes I'm totally jealous that she has so much faith and writes such beautiful stuff.. But it just leads me to keep reading her writing.
And I have a friend who I taught to make animations in Second Life, and now she totally does it way better than I do, and has this awesome flair for marketing, she's able not only to make awesome stuff, but able to present it so well... I really wish I could do that, and sometimes I wonder why I'm just not able to come up with ideas and present stuff the way she does.. But she's awesome and I'm glad she does well with it.
So I might use the term jealousy to describe when I wish I could do something that someone else can do.. but so long as I think of the person positively, it's not bad, right?
And my mom says she's jealous of my toes, cause hers are short and stubbly and mine are like long and thin.. but it's not like my mom wants to destroy my toes, she just wishes hers were more like mine.

Those are all examples of friends or at least people I relate to, though.

Is envy more like when you feel like the other person having something is the reason why you don't have it?
There are some people I do feel that way about, I guess.. my sister mainly, but that's more because it's almost true. Like we were raised together and all, but yet she got everything I never got, was always the good one, the smart one, and I was left being just the fat stupid one in the wake of my little sister's constant showing off. (And part of it is that she got things that were stolen from me, but also that she was such a show-off and rubbed it in my face that she was so much better than me.)

Envy isn't always hate. The stronger it is the closer it may feel like hate.
My eldest sister always wanted straight eyebrows like mine. She was a little jealous. But no so obsessively jealous that she would shave off my perfect eyebrows while I slept.
I sometimes envy more social people, especially those that are good at dating, but I don't hate the people.

Envy ,is admiration in denial.

ooo, I like that one!

In this way I rarely envy someone, but I do haveless far-going envy. For example, when a girl on my former ward moved into supported living, I envied her because she has a mild intellectual disability, which is far easier to get supported living for than autistics. I didn't hate this girl though or think she shouldn't get into her placement, but wished I could be placed as easily. It did get to the point where I didn't like having her visit the ward, because each time she reminded me of the fact that she did have housing and I was still on the locked psych ward. But I didn't feel that she was the problem.

That sums it up nicely. Envy is when someone else has something you feel you deserve too but somehow can't get.

I don't understand envy, especially when it turns to hate. I've been on the receiving end a few times and I felt terribly helpless - trying to minimise an achievement or be nice and helpful didn't change anything.

Could someone tell me where is the negativity born - in the fact that you don't like that person and see them as undeserving or is it more related to your self image? Can the one you envy do anything to make you feel better?

Maybe like a helplessness and frustration thing? Like when you try and try to do something, and just keep failing, and someone else does it easily.. all that frustration, and then all the effort that was going into the failed attempts, gets transferred onto them? In me, I've never noticed it turning to hate against anybody except my sister, and she always showed off and harmed me. Because of my problems, I got tortured by everybody. She, on the other hand, got a free pass because of hers. She threatened me with a knife, and nothing bad happened to her for it.. and then she can just go on about her life rather than having it constantly torn to shreds whenever anyone decides there's something wrong with her.. And always just constantly rubbed in my face how great she was and let everything bad go to me. So the hate was brought on by seeing her succeed by getting everything I never got. I was tortured, and I was left to my own, then, when I couldn't take it anymore, I was forced into "therapy" with a therapist who made fun of me too. When she was being tortured, she got pulled out of school and home schooled. This was the general pattern of everything our entire lives.. and it wasn't until she became successful and I became a failure that it really solidified as hatred.

Other people I don't notice the negativity so much. Like, when I see how wonderfully the girl I taught to make Second Life animations does with her sales and all, I get kinda jealous like wondering why I don't come up with such good ideas, or have the ability to present the ones I do have in a way that makes people want to buy them.. but I also feel good that I taught her how to do something she's so good at. But when I first met her, she thought she couldn't make them, so she was all excited and thought I was so cool for being able to teach her how. (She has the rather unique ability to understand stuff I say... not all that many people can.. lol) If I ever start to get over my feelings of helplessness and failure, I'll ask her to help me with some marketing ideas. I just don't really have the mental capacity to work on it now. Although it's also that I lack style.


That may not be a good comparison, though.. sibling rivalry might be something else altogether, and I'm not totally sure that my wishing I had the talent that my friend has is envy at all, or simply wishing I had a talent I don't have. Ok, I rambled on and on and said nothing, didn't I? *sigh* well, I'll post it anyways, 'cause I've written too much not to..

I understand very well what you're saying. My sister was also treated better than me (although the difference was not so crushing as in your case), but I resented those who did it more than her. Your sister doesn't seem exactly nice, so I guess you have more reasons to resent her beside being treated better. For me, living on my own was the best thing - I just don't care any more.

I'm very shy in revealing things about myself, especially those that I know will make people go "wow" - so I don't think that's the problem. When it comes to a talent or ability it's very hard to explain that is not your "fault" for having such ease and I end up feeling guilty about it. And I struggle with so many things others do in the blink of an eye - it evens out in the end. Unfortunately, most people can't see the hard work and sacrifices we all make to achieve what we have.

its funny. people cling to clout and status to feel more important about themselves. it bewilders me. the really funny thing is when these people see me not caring, they are skeptical and think i have some secret agenda. nope. really dont care. take the corner office, knock yourself out. just stop bothering me about it

Is that why it's often said "they are too much alike to get along"?


It's only good if it is the cause of constructive self improvement and not destruction of another. It's interesting as long as it's not someone I know envying me.

For me with the example I gave in my earlier post, it was both. She was undeserving of all the awards she was given in competitions and all of the special rewards she was given from teachers. I knew that the only reason she was getting some of these things is that her parents were highly involved with the school. I had a thought that the parents were black-mailing the school because they wanted their child to have a perfect academic record. Maybe that was just paranoia though, I'm not really sure.

Anyway, it also had something to do with my self image. I struggled to make friends and she didn't even have to try yet everyone seemed to like her. I thought that it was very unfair and wanted to sabotage her in some way because I thought..."She doesn't even try so she doesn't deserve what she has. It should be me with the friends because I try so hard."
I guess I just wanted to get revenge on her because she represented what I wanted, happiness. I was miserable.