Where do I fit in this world?

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Anything I write pertains to more than just Aspergers, but since there is not a forum that for “pediatric bi-polar with ultridian cycling and psychosis, OCD, and Aspergers traits” I might as well post here, as you guys are at least familiar with childhood illnesses.

So here's what's going on. I grew up in a fantasy world. I've had highly developed delusions from the age of 6 until the present(18). From the age 6 to 9 I was mostly paranoid, believing that my peers had a secret channel of communication by which they could conspire against me. From the ages 13 to 17 I believed I was the only one with the “clarity of thought” to realize that life was meaningless. I wanted to be a teacher so that I could teach children to think clearly. Eventually everyone would think clearly and the world would be freed of “delusional” religion and realize that life was meaningless. At that point people would no longer feel attached to this existence, and they could leave their suffering and commit suicide.

Despite all of that, I have only been receiving treatment for the past year. I pretty much diagnosed myself with bipolar and have not received any sort of meaningful counseling. I am however on lots of drugs; Lithium, Lamictal, and Seroquel. These have done a great deal to treat the delusions. Consequently, I feel very isolated. Imagine how Jesus must have felt, being dropped into a world which he knew intimately, but in which no one could understand him. I just cannot find anyone to relate to.

I also feel that I don't fit into this world very well. I have a very good mind for solving certain algorithmic problems and have studied computer programming since I was 9 years old. However I am a very self aware person, so I don't feel that I can simply disappear into a puzzle and become a “nerd”. I would rather feel as if I had a positive impact upon the world. So I would like to continue perusing pedagogy.

Of course that puts me in a strange position as well. As for Aspergers traits, my Oxytosin response is definitely abnormal. While I am pretty good with children, especially one on one, I don't develop the “friendship bond” that most teachers do with their students. As such, if I do become a teacher, beyond the stroking of my own ego when my students do well, I will not care any more for a student who I have taught for a year than I will for a student who I have just met. Is it wrong for me to teach if I won't develop such a relationship with my students?

I guess now that I am starting to understand Oxytosin I realize that I am doomed to fake a lot of things. For example, in the past I have always divulged my deepest thoughts during my first encounters with a new friend. I now know that most people have to develop a certain kind of trust with a new friend. In the future I will be faking this by planning when I might reveal myself. I don't have a real big problem with faking a lot of things to get through life, but I do feel like I can never fit in. To me the interplay of trust in the worlds great social web is a great dance with a great amount of significance to the dancers, and while I am sure I can learn to dance along it will be no more than a great game of espionage, me playing to solve the greatest puzzle of all.

So what am I to do? I don't value people but I value honesty. I want attention but I don't really care from whom. It seems dishonest to pretend to develop trust and caring, gradually.

Finally, I have a philosophical problem. I have seriously considered suicide on and off for a majority of my life. I cannot be one of those people who leaves suicide on the table if I am to live. But if we are to stay with the idea of trust, I don't develop trust over time but rather have it as a constant. Every moment I meet a new me, and many times, this is a sad me. So why should I not put him out of his misery?

You sound like a very interesting person.
I don't think you need to have a relationship to children to teach them, but it's helpful. Have you thought about teaching philosophy in college?

I really feel for you friend because my child hood sounds similar to mine and I have attempted suicide I have never thought about it again but you have my feelings with you, it is hard to cast aside that dark side I call it he appears like every once a week but I just isolate myself you sound like you are getting on with life at leasyt please keep posting I in honesty just wish it to go away an just stay on the positive try thinking about what makes you you for example your wit and quirks and just consider yourself individual you sound it anyway

take care and hope you are alright

teaching philosophy does actually seem like a good idea; paradoxically it might give you "meaning to life" (of course you are right to say that life is inherently meaningless but perception, and henceforth our understanding of the world, is entirely subjective, and meaning is simply another objectively non-existing but subjectively overarching human concept, fed by our perceptions)

There are a few problems with me becomming a philosophy professor. The first that comes to mind is that I would not feel as though I where having a positive impact upon the world. The better I became at my menticidal task the more students would leave my classroom in philisophical distress. To what end would this serve? A world beset by nihilists and poor souls still clinging to their tattered dellusions of hope is not a bettered one!

The seccond problem with becomming a college professor is that I do not wish to teach adults. My gift with children is being able to see how they approach a task, gage when and how they become upset, and react quickly to their changing mood. I have a great deal of internal experience in that area. I do not do well, however, when I am asked to intereact with people on a level. So I would not be similarly equiped to teach a college class.

There is one big road block for me, in teaching elementary school, and that is with me getting overstimulated. When I am up in front of a class room and they begin to get out of controll, I tend to want to do what I have allways done best in that situation; put my hands over my ears, go into the fetal position, and murmur "too loud, too loud" while rocking back and forth. But I guess I'll just have to learn. I've allways loved adventures!