Feeling beaten up by daughter

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There are days when I feel like my daughter has beaten me up. She accomplishes this with her mouth by yelling and screaming all day at everyone especially me. I don't know how to make her stop screaming. I think she is being disrespectful although I don't think she understands what her actions mean. When she decides to be kind, she is the sweetest, most adorable little girl I have ever been around. Just seems she is set off by everything lately, and it is all my fault.
Also wandering how other parents find relief from the daily struggles we face.

I feel the same way many days, except my son is not much of a screamer - he says what's on his mind and he's done. He's a door banger *extraordinaire* and when he goes into meltdown mode I make sure my medical coverage is up to date. So far the damages have been mild (a few sprains, a butterfly bandage to the chin and some furniture to the dumpster) but he's only 11. If the meltdowns don't decrease as his age and size increase, I don't know what we'll do.

He is already receiving SSI, mostly because right now my husband is not able to find work. The kind of work he does is usually 2nd shift time frames, and I can't handle our DS alone during the dinner/bath/bed routine.

This is not to say this is a daily occurrence - it is not. He can be an amazingly sweet, kind boy, and has even taken care of me one time when my husband was stuck out of the area and I took ill. He just stepped up and took over, making soup, making his little sister a pb&j, making sure I had juice, pillows and tylenol, just a real little trooper. He is mainstreamed, and we only just got a dx this past year. But there have been some tough times.

His life is run by rules, and so therefore, is ours. He has 8 calendars hanging on his bedroom wall, including one inside the closet. I can't go to my room at night until he is asleep. He says he is afraid. Yet he will awaken at 6 am, in the dark, and walk out to the main house and get a snack and watch tv all alone.

Part of his "stimming" is to make monkey noises and spin around on a chair. I know it calms him and so I try to ignore it. I now have a rx for valium for me.

This is not an easy life for anyone. My friend found out about us receiving the SSI. She said she wishes she could get money for doing nothing. I invited her over for an evening of "nothing". She declined. We aren't really friends anymore.

Yup, take away the audience and don't discuss it until it's over. My boy is 9 and we're working with him to help him understand when his frustration, stress and anxiety are taking over. Luckily I can still just manage to get him to his room - he is allowed to meltdown there and he can destroy any of his things and he knows I will not replace/fix anything again.

During times when he's cooperative and kind, we might discuss a violent incident. He knows he loves me, he really doesn't want to hurt me so we talk about how much it hurts me. I reinforce, during calm times, that he is not to hit me or hurt me no matter what. His grandparents bought him a punching bag that he can use, he can go to his room and throw his things around but he is not to hurt me ever again. We just keep repeating that to him during calm times and I might mention at the beginning of a meltdown - he will raise his fist to me sometimes, but I remind him, if he hurts me, he will be sorry later (not that I would hurt him in return, just that deep down he really doesn't want to hurt me). I direct him to his punching bag and/or to his room.

I'm not a calm person by any means - sometimes he will surprise me and I'll defend myself, or yell out of surprise. It's so very hard, but I try very hard to keep my voice level and calm (forces him to quiet down and try to hear me) and I walk away if necessary. He's followed me outside with his argument/yelling, but I refuse to fight with him. I will not fight with him again - that has really taken the wind out of his sails.

If it gets too bad, put locks on your bedroom door and lock yourself in your room until it passes.

I don't know where you live. Is there any support groups available around? I used to go every week to Parents Anonymous, it was my lifeline when I lived in Milwaukee. I knew if I could just make it until the weekly meeting, I could go on for another week.
When my kids blame me for all the things I "have done wrong", I tell them I did the best with what I had to work with. I refuse to apologize for doing "my best". Also, if my kids don't obey when I tell them to do something, I place the blame for the consequences squarely on them. I say "you are training your mom to scream at you", or "you are training me to be a b***h" (my sons are in their teens). Then I say, "If you would obey when I ask you nicely, I would never have to raise my voice. Wouldn't that be nicer?" It usually produces action.

We have lived this way for some time now. My son is now just 5 but has the body of an 8 year old and, when having a melt-down (around twice a day), could easily take on Mike Tyson in his prime. But he doesn't talk-back, not ever. My 3 year old NT does. And the baby - who knows!

It is now at the stage where this problem is also happening regularly (deep bites and bruises) at school and with other family members. I have somehow learnt to anticipate and I am a good dodger. So now, I have drawn the line. It has to stop otherwise life just isn't worth living for any of us. Every time he hits or bites me or anyone in the house, I take him upstairs and sit with him in his room until he calms down. I tell him clearly that he is not allowed to hit, bite or smack anybody and I remove small privileges.

I used to try ignoring this behaviour, hoping that it would just stop but it had gotten worse to the extent that he might have to leave mainstream schooling so I had to do this to see if it would start to work. Who knows - it may take years and years.

STAY CALM, BE FIRM, ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO BAD BEHAVIOUR, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR WITH ATTENTION - JUST DEAL WITH IT QUICKLY AND QUIETLY. TALK ABOUT IT FULLY WHEN THEY ARE CALM AND EXPLAIN FULLY WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW YOU FELT.

I know that it is not easy to do any of this if you have lots of chores to do, a toddler climbing up the book-case and a baby lying in front of the fire etc. I know that a lot of us parents are criticised by outsiders because we are not always in a position to take a child upstairs for half and hour and leave the others on their own, so sometimes, we let it go. I don't know how you live but, the more adults in the house the better.

Most of all - good luck - and don't listen to me. I'm full of it!! !

I know what you are saying.

As a parent, even when you have strong traits yourself, when you get a DX of anything on the spectrum, you can get a bit lost. Should I give him everything he asks for because he has a condition and can not understand the word NO at all or should I teach him gently not to fear the word NO and accept my authority in as much as he is able? My son has Aspergers but I've created problems for him by feeling guilty and letting him have absolutely everything his way.

I don't think of my son as bad or naughty at all. Quite the opposite. He never lies. He loves us so much. But (on the negative side) I do see him as trapped because he can be so aggressive and controlling and this is going to limit his chances to have fun. In our case, there have been big problems for quite some time and they make him feel very sad so I have to try for his sake.

My mum took him and his cousin to the swing park the other day (if I'd known, I would have said no). He worships his cousin and they'd had a lovely day together. However, she would not do what he asked her to do because she wanted to do something else, so he bit her really hard. She was crying and he was really sad because he'd bitten her and then, full-scale melt-down in the park and my mum had to play it down and try to stop him attacking his cousin because he was so upset that he'd bitten her. Mum's not as fast as me and she got bitten really really badly. She rang us and N had to run to the park and take him home. He was so upset.

I am looking to give my son consistent messages that may, in time, help him to learn to control himself to some degree if possible. I know he has a degree of control and if I don't help him develop this skill I am disabling him more than his Aspergers ever could.

In the early days, I said yes to everything pretty much all the time because the constant melt-downs were too distressing for him and me. It seemed so much more wise not to look for confrontation. I never wanted to be the disciplinarian mum. It's not in my nature. I hate telling anyone what to do. Hate it. However, I know that, in order for him to live in the world, he has to know and understand that the automatic answer to everything can not always be yes. Honestly, in many areas we have seen progress.

For instance, he likes Pizza but it HAS TO BE Domino's and he asks for it every night and refuses to eat anything else. Not possible! If I cook pizza at home, he'll have a tantrum and throw it in the bin and hit me. And (also with cakes) you are not allowed to cut them and give everyone a slice, he has to have it all and will have a tantrum and lash out if you give him a slice of cut cake. So I take him upstairs and tell him firmly and gently that we're not going downstairs until he says sorry and promises to be calm. If he has a melt-down we just stay in the room together calmly. While I am typing this, he is upstairs, eating a slice of (non Dominos) Pizza with his brother and he ate a slice of cake yesterday. It's progress and it enables him to live among us and means that maybe I can take him places.

I love him more than anyone else because he's so lovable - he's like the luxury version. So I must try to help him understand that NO is not the end of the world and his way is not always the only way.

Nomorereality: I like your name - some days I've had all of it I can handle!! !

My son is 11, but also quite big (5'6", 170lbs). Over the last year I have virtually eliminated all of his meltdowns related to sensory issues. He's not a biter, but one swing of his arm cost me 7 stitches in my chin!

Now, his meltdowns are all related either to the word NO, or to not getting his way.

He went to his one friends house for an overnight Friday night. He knew we were food shopping early Saturday morning, but with the ok of the mom he stayed at his friends' house rather then help do the shopping.

Before he even got home he started having a meltdown over the snack we chose for him and the cereal and juice we chose. They were choices he himself had made in the past, but claims they were not what he wanted *this* week. He spent hours demanding we return the food to the store and get what he wants.

We finally stood firm, and he got over it. It took forever, and he was miserable over Easter, but he went to school today and we didn't cave. (And I didn't need any more stitches!!)

This has been next on our list to tackle with him - life's little disappointments. It's something he and other kids with AS I've met don't handle well.

Hang in there!

NO you don't have to give into him or give him everything. That does not help him. One of the therapists on another list actually said he thinks that kids with AS have a very hard time because people(esp teachers) overestimate their abilities because they have better verbal skills so some of the spectrum behaviors are not as obvious. My son has HFA and when he was little he had a severe receptive/expressive language delay. So, words were not going to be very effective and punishments would not have been understood. To some people that may have looked like giving in by not punishing him if he had a meltdown but I kind of saw meltdowns at that age as his way of expressing himself. Certain behaviors are unnacceptable but on the other hand like you said I doubt your son enjoys losing control like that. He probably knows he is doing wrong but does not know how to stop it or he does not feel that he is being understood so he lashes out. And the more out of control he feels the more control he is going to want to exert control on his environment. Like food is a huge sensory experience with all the taste, smell and touch all being involved. So, any slight deviation from what is expected can make the food unnacceptable. That does not mean you can serve the same kind of pizza everyday, but try to see what kind of plan you could establish or compromise you could reach - either through agreeing to serve it a certain amount of time a week or month and showing him on a calender. Much of this is like detective work - trying to find clues.

Yes, my son had a language delay as well. Sounds a bit like yours and he had melt-downs due to his inability to express himself. I felt so guilty because I couldn't do much to help him.

Thank you for your advice everyone. I'll read these over and over again until I've taken up all your points and held on to them. It's good to know we can move in the right direction.

My second NT child could not tolerate the word NO when she was three. I learned many different ways to say NO which has luckily transferred to my third HFA child. She grew out of it, but if I started a reply with the word No then she would have a tantrum.

I read my reply to this post from January. I'm happy to report the meltdowns, tantrums and violent behaviors are drastically reduced. We are watching for the triggers and we're talking with him after the fact about what happened. He's slowly starting to recognize when he's going over and has even taken himself out of the situation a few times.

Punishing *bad* behavior doesn't work well at all since he doesn't really understand *bad.* He's learning, but what I would call bad behavior is really an anxiety/stress reaction to a situation. So, I'm learning too.

she's 18 and a senior in high school. She no longer screams and has tantrums, but she's very selfish and self centered. She criticizes pretty much everything about me, when she decides to acknowledge my existence. I know this can be normal from teenage girls, but most normal teenage girls can be reasoned with and be made aware that their actions affect other people. My daughter does not understand that other people have feelings. I'm just grateful that she doesn't have violent or manipulative tendencies, or we'd need another diagnosis of sociopath...

she's 18 and a senior in high school. She no longer screams and has tantrums, but she's very selfish and self centered. She criticizes pretty much everything about me, when she decides to acknowledge my existence. I know this can be normal from teenage girls, but most normal teenage girls can be reasoned with and be made aware that their actions affect other people. My daughter does not understand that other people have feelings. I'm just grateful that she doesn't have violent or manipulative tendencies, or we'd need another diagnosis of sociopath...