getting spouses to work with you.

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Today( since it IS after midnight for me right now) I have an appointment for myself with my psychologist that specializes in Aspergers in females( and males too), and I also scheduled my husbands and my respite for the kids today also, for the intend purpose to have my husband come to my appt. and let out all of what I do that bothers him to no end, etc. (gripe) whatever it is that I don't seem to be able to understand from him or to work through becasue I usually feel like we are coming at things from opposite ends, and not working together at all. Causing alot of marital and family problems. and I need my thearpist to know the other side (husbands point of view) of things so that she can help me to work through them. Earlier he said he didn' t want to go. Should I tell him that if he isn't willing to help me, then do not expect any changes in my behavior and reactions to things. I am willing to work on things that I do that cause alot of our marital problems. I guess it is up to him tomarrow, if he wants to live with it or work through it with me.

Having similar problems with my boyfriend. We have been arguing quite a bit, and he doesn't understand that I'm not angry with him, just the situation, which obviously will make the situation even worse.

I mentioned social therapy today, me going at least so they can put me into social situations and teach me how to deal with them.

He says "oh, that isn't your problem" and stuff like that. I'm quite frustrated by it, and he is constantly giving me lectures on how social situations work for other people, expecting me to gain full understanding within minutes. Then he gets frustrated if I shut down from information overload. If I just tell him I'm still not getting it, he will go on for hours and hours sometimes.

It's not his fault, and it's not necessarily mine either, but I do wish that we could do something TOGETHER to get all of this sorted out. I know he talks to his therapist about having an Aspie girlfriend and all, and she explains things and tries to tell him how it is for me vs. how it is for him and all, but that doesn't help us.

I think the only way to figure it out is to go together and talk together on things... get out and do more stuff (I'm willing even though I have pretty bad generalized anxiety and social anxiety, to give it a try) so that I am put into those situations.

One on one with him doesn't work well, because I don't understand him fully and where he is coming from and he doesn't get me or where I'm coming from.

I wish you luck and hope your hubby goes with you, as in my situation, that is the only way I can think of to help us get along better and gain a better understanding of one another. The problems may always be there, but we will gain ideas on better approaches to the situations.

It isn't an option to _not_ work together. it's just a matter of time until the relationship fails if there isn't a true 'your problems are our/us/we problems' attitude.

Let's be frank and to the point. Almost everyone is being taught selfishness by modern society. I encourage you to watch this video documentary "Century of the Self" http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 3825999151 Most people going into marriage these days are not very committed to the true ideas of marriage. it only takes one to start saying "this isn't good enough for me" which is something that this self-indulgent time in human history revels in. This isnt' some fantasy, this is going on every day if you open your eyes.

Marriage is all bout 1+1=2.5, but it takes effort. A job requires work and has reward... same with marriage.

Joseph Campbell quote I offer:


“Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable, it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.”


The wedding vows just aren't taken seriously any more. The hard part and commitment comes when it is difficult, not when there are no problems!

Last edited by TobyZ on 08 Aug 2009, 1:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My husband didn't want to go to therapy either, but he went. He still doesn't like to go, but since he went he learned the benefit of it because it changed our relationship for the better.

My husband isn't social (strongly feel he is AS) and I need social contact or I go insane. He has narrow interests and I am interested in everything. We are opposite in a lot of ways, but we respect each other and work out compromises, and talk and talk and talk. Since I have learned about AS I can see it in him, and it has been eye opening and very good for our relationship. I understand so many things now that I didn't realize before and I accept him for who he is, even when we differ. Maybe your husband needs to really learn about AS from a someone he feels is reliable enough to take seriously and you should talk about the things about AS that pertain to you, and then do the same for his "NT" characteristics and talk about how they differ from you. Then work to change the things you can, and learn ways that you two can work around the things that you can't, in a way that you both can live with. You cannot change someone else, you can only change how you see and react to it. I hope he goes to therapy with you. That could be your jumping off point to finally come from the same place and go from there.

I agree with TobyZ. Marriage is wonderful if you work together...but it is work, and a lot of it.

Agree with what others have said. My husband and I had brief counseling that didn't start off on marriage, but touched on it. He wanted help dealing with two elderly, difficult family members and felt that I wasn't being supportive enough. I couldn't figure out what he wanted from me. He also felt he wasn't having enough "fun" (I think a mid-life crisis), but couldn't say what constituted fun for him, just that it was my responsibility to provide it somehow. The therapist did an adequate job of getting him to focus on what he actually wanted and (since she recognized my AS) how he could get it from me. She disabused him of any notion that I could change once and for all or that I was doing particular things just to bug him. She had me research hints for spouses of AS folk and list the ones that pertained to me. He actually though they were helpful and (after making peace with his own issues), our relationship has gone extremely well since then. If we were to go again, I would find someone with prior experience dealing with AS/NT couples, although, hopefully, our therapist learned some new things from us as well. The point is, we both got new insights from the process and learned that if we want a particular kind of response from the other, we need to give them a chance to give it to us.

I just finished a series of posts describing the sorts of things that my wife and I did (and went through) in Marriage Encounters. For us, it succeeded where therapy failed.

Anyway, the link to all articles is here...

http://sites.google.com/site/gavinbollard/about-aspergers/marriage-encounters


It's interesting how many wives say that their husbands wouldn't go to therapy... often without actually having asked.

Sometimes they're right, sometimes it's just an assumption.

FrogGirl---I wish you the best on this. My wife, and kids, did attend therapy with me. I was wanting to be a better parent, and I also needed my wife to understand me. She was hesitant to go. But after meeting my therapist, he gained her trust and she opened up with him. In our marriage of nearly 20 years, my wife has stated that she often feels alone. So, with both of us in attendance at therapy, we actually got to know each other better. And our marriage is strong. Then our kids attended the following therapy, and we really became closer as a family. Please try to get your husband to understand that if he attends therapy with you that it can make you closer.