My AS boyfriend and Marriage

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Hello, I would like to pick some of the brains here (not literally ) and see what some of the men or women feel about marriage and commitment. Of course I know it will vary for person to person and everyone is an individual, but I would loved to gain some more understanding about my boyfriend's viewpoints on marriage.

We have, for all intents and purposes, a pretty good relationship. We hit the 4 year mark just last week and we've been cohabitating for a year now. He is 26 and I am 21. He works full-time, I work part-time and go to school full-time. Our financial situation is not 100% stable but the lease on our apartment is in our name, we don't rely on family for financial support and we have minimal debt other than student loans. I'm in college to become a nurse and will be guaranteed a job (I'm on scholarship through a hospital) after I graduate. We have excellent communication and I am what I would consider to be a very supportive partner when it comes to his AS. My little sister was diagnosed with Autism and that has raised the likelihood that one or more of our children will be on the spectrum - therefore I read anything I can get my hands on about it all. Sometimes I think I know more about the inner workings than he does. Just giving some background info for those of you reading to understand better.

Whenever we talk about the future, he is adamant that he does want to get married, he's only in love with me and he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, yet after 4 years he still has made no visible steps toward a real commitment. We didn't move in together until after 3 years of dating and I believe that a lot of that dealt with the fact that he moved back in with his parents for a year and was ready to be out on his own again. I am not sure when or if he will ever be ready to take that next step. He talks about the fact that he doesn't understand the necessity for marriage from a societal point of view and believes that it would not change our relationship in the slightest.

I am not sure what approach I should take to this situation. Should I continue to talk about marriage more or should I back off? It is something that I want within the next 2-3 years and he does know this. Any feedback about marriage and commitment with an Aspie partner would be wonderful and highly appreciated. Thank you

I can definitely address this!

My AS BF and I talked about marriage two years ago. I told him I didn't believe in marriage from a societal standpoint. I felt like a romantic commitment shouldn't need to be confirmed through legal channels. I told him I'd been married before and I didn't want to do it again. He said okay.

Well, a year later he asked me to marry him and I said yes! The reason was that I am so in love with him that I've never felt this way before about a relationship. Then, he said marriage scared him. So, we stopped talking about it.

Now, he is talking marriage again, a year later. He wants us to go out so he can get my ring size. I'm telling you this because I wanted to illustrate how long it can take people to process marriage, esp. on the spectrum. We still don't live together because of our intense needs for alone time. But now we are talking about trying it.

I let it go about talking about marriage, and it came up again, by his choice. He did the same with me. A lot of this is timing and patience with each other's processing. I understand after 4 years, you may be getting impatient. Just remember that you have the rest of your lives together. If a marriage commitment is imperative for you and you worry it will never happen, you need to ask yourself if this is the relationship for you..or accept whatever status the relationship has because you are with your true love.

One characteristic of Aspies is that we sometimes operate on a different time scale than other people. You would think that four years would be a reasonable amount of time to take those "visible steps", but to him it may not be.

Also, the things that constitute those "visible steps" are probably different for him than for you. Do you think that in his own mind he is truly committed? It may be that he sees himself as committed because his definition of "committed" is different than yours.

It sounds like you communicate well. I think that's always the key. As long as you're talking to each other and sharing your hearts, I think you're ahead of the game.

My view:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2313737.html#2313737

Don't confuse marriage with commitment. Marriage is a contract and end like many contracts end in litigation.

I never understood the concept of marriage except maybe a pact in where both parties stand financially. I really don't see it as being holy or stable as far as families are concerned given the amount of divorce rates as well as other uholy factors such as abuse, alcoholism, cheating, using, etc....

I'm not going to say that they're not fun to attend or that people don't put their own devotion in the vows they profess to eachother. But...I'm speaking from a non-religious perspective. I've known some non-married couples who were together for many years without the legal right of marriage. So I guess I just don't see the big deal in it.

The only sense I get is tradition and traditions can be fun like christmas', easters, and birthdays.

I dated an ASP man for 9 years. Wasted years. He was like that.....I love you Balh blah.

I wanted marriage, hedid not.

That is his right. I should have read the signs.

If you do not mind then stay with him, but do NOT expect him to change. ASP's and AUTs ae known for not being able to change.

I wanted him to change and that was my fault.

I am much happier dating an NT.

Gigglesqueak:

I feel for you, I really do. I understand that you love your boyfriend and that he says he loves you. Mind you, I only have experience with NT relationships but I have been in your shoes before and I understand a bit how some men work. You want to get married one day and your boyfriend is adamant that he doesn't. If he wants to be with you for the rest of his life and you want to be married some day he isn't making the obvious connection that he will eventually have to marry you if he wants you to stick around. Unless, he thinks that you don't mind giving up something that is really important to you because his beliefs are going to trump your beliefs in this relationship.

If he has been saying that he doesn't want to be married for 4 years and has never backed off this position, I'd believe that he has dug his heels in and will not be changing his mind any time soon. Upstairs in a box somewhere I have a small pile of engagement rings. These rings were given to me by men who did the same thing. Good relationships are hard to come by, are hard work and when you find the right person you want to hang on to them. I, like you, never wanted to be in a relationship with a man that didn't want to marry me. So every time I found myself in a relationship with a man who was adamant about not getting married I'd give him a few months to change his mind and, afterwhich, dump him.

These men all took the breakup hard even after I explained in detail that I wasn't going to spend my life unmarried. After a few weeks all of them came crawling back with a proposal and a ring. However, it was always a little too little and a little too late. For some reason they all insisted I keep the ring for some reason after I refused to take them back, the rings were never that big anyway.

You can do what you want, but you might want to sit this guy down at some point and make sure he understand that marriage means a great deal to you. Considering he's an aspie, I probably wouldn't give him any ultimatums. If he doesn't change his tune you are going to have to figure out whether you want to go through life unmarried, without the tax and cultural benefits of marriage, and then have a bunch of illegitimate children. I know I wouldn't.

To be honest, I don't believe in a religious wedding or marriage in the least. I am actually an atheist, so for me it has nothing to do with being right with God or anything like that. Although his parents and most of of his family are Catholic, he's agnostic, so that isn't really an issue for us in the slightest.

The biggest reason why I want a civil marriage is because of all of the legalities. We live in America and being married if you are going to be together the rest of your life anyway simply makes things easier. I want my kids to be tied to both of us through name and as a family. I want him to be contacted in the event of an emergency and make decisions about my healthcare, etc. I love my family and they are a big part of my life, but he is the person that I have spent the most time talking with about situations like that. Even down to I want him to be left with my life insurance money or vice versa, I want his family to formally accept me into the family as his wife and I want to be able to put him on my health insurance and get other financial incentives that will help us to save money in the long run without issue. I know you can do some of these things without getting married, but the red tape is sometimes boggling and seems silly to me in lieu of getting married.

I definitely want to be with him and only him, regardless of the situation. I would be fine waiting for a few more years, especially if there were good reasons for him wanting us to wait, like wanting to be more financially stable, have a house first, what have you. Like I said before, it's not really an issue of "you propose marriage now or I'm walking" because he is more important to me than some kind of ultimatum. Knowing that he does eventually want to get married is enough for me. It's just that sometimes I'm not sure if it's better to talk about it more because it will get him used to the idea or to back off completely and let him do it on his own. I don't want to force him into marriage, but I don't necessarily want to let him go years and years fiddling his thumbs either.



This is a very good point and thank you for bringing it up. I suppose to him that us moving in together and getting a lease in both of our names, paying bills together and using our money as if it was shared already can be steps to him that show commitment. I also know for a fact that he's 100% committed to me. He will do anything I need and when I really need the support, he's by my side with no questions asked.

Oh and Granite I think you read my post wrong. He's adamant that he DOES want to get married to me, he just doesn't have an answer for when.

A person can have a healthy, long-lasting relationship without getting married. Marriage, in my opinion, is religious tradition. I'm not religious, so the idea of getting married doesn't appeal to me at all. It's a waste of money. Of course, there's pagan hand-fasting, but that's still a religious ceremony. For some people it's only about the financial benefits. I won't go into that, though.

I think what makes some aspies reticent to marry is because the vow says "till death do us part", which many aspies find a difficult vow to make (compared to those who rush into marriage without thinking about the long-term consequences)... I, for one, would have a very hard time dealing with a divorce even on the best of terms, since I would effectively be breaking a promise I made...

Then I would suggest the "paint the picture" approach. Perhaps your man doesn't understand quite yet the future that you see and care to have. He might have some twisted view of marriage, where he is the breadwinner, he will have to make all the decisions, he will have to protect you and you will stay at home, spend his money and have several children. I know this sounds crazy but this is some men's worst fear. It's too much for them to take on.

However, if you plan to work full time and make good money, and you want one child or two child, and you see purchasing a small 3 bedroom home in an inexpensive neighborhood as a future, it might be in your best interest to paint this future very clearly for your man and see whether that is what he wants. He, in turn, might have the same plan or a very different one. Putting all your cards on the table now, without talk of weddings, engagement rings and bridal showers, might be something he is willing to do. It's just talk and remind him there is no commitment in having an honest and open discussion.

He might be able to open up about his fears and reservations, and the two of you might be able to come to a compromise.

Good luck.

Perhaps you could discuss with him some of the financial benefits of marriage, family health insurance, taxes, being able to leave your property to a spouse, etc. These are basically the real issues that concern homosexuals who want to marry. Otherwise, homosexuals would have no real reason to marry, either, other than to make a point.

That sounds like me. Other than a piece of paper and a expensive party, my boyfriend and I are basically married. We've been together 5 years, lived together for 3, have a kid, share income, bills, etc... I see the whole process of getting married as an overly elaborate way to get a bit more on our taxes. He gets it now, but I really hurt him when he proposed a couple years ago by just saying we can't afford it. Honestly I just didn't care about it myself and would have been fine with just signing papers at a court house and being done with it, but both our families would have been offended. Same if we went for a nice simple ceremony that fit our budget. Fixing the car or getting ahead on rent just made more sense to me. I think if we ever do actually get married it'll be to celebrate our 10 year anniversary or hitting the common law marker or something like that. Either that or we'll cave to family demands and get married, although asking them who they think is going to pay for a wedding has been diverting the question very nicely.

Or it could just be because you're still going to school. A lot of people just don't want to get married before that sort of thing is out of the way. Who knows, maybe your graduation present will be a ring

Marriage is, legally speaking, just... well, legal. However, there is something to be said for taking vows (whether with a license or not). Personally, I think the legal benefits outweigh the cost of a license. And the nasty part of divorce also have their advantages, since a legal divorce is a framework of protections. Divorcing without a legal marriage doesn't have the same protections.

In other words, marriage is about making a lifelong commitment to the relationship. And the license has legal benifits.

Not sure about how long it would take for me. I got married because I had to for legal reasons (although I also wanted to marry her, just not then). After going through the legal framework of protections, I've been in a relationship with my current partner for about a year and half, but constantly feel like there are major issues we need to learn how to resolve before making a life long commitment.