Am I A Hypocritical or Heartless Autie?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm just gonna rant & ask my questions at the end (I know another set of questions ). I've always had this major issue with people giving me presents or asking me what I want. I threw a fit at X-mas at 10 b/c I was given presents, refuse to acknowledge compliments, etc. b/c I don't want them. I don't like change & getting new stuff b/c I have to change my routine all over again by incorporating whatever crap I had to get/was given.
Usually I am given stuff I don't need (clothes again I have to much to fit in my closet & too many pieces I can't make in2 outfits, I wear maybe 1/4-1/2 my clothes I'm guessing). I'd prefer they donate the clothes they give me (homeless &/or people could actually use it!) I mostly (& totally do) hate the attention involved in being given stuff & having to thank people (especially b/c I don't want or need the stuff).
I don't mean to sound ungrateful (though I know I do) I just can't think of anything I actually need (like almost ever! Last time I asked for anything was today (ironically b/c of the post) b/c I needed stuff to move into college (I kind of need soap to bathe & toothpaste, etc.). I did ask for like one thing I didn't actually need, a lava lamp (I think their cool & I technically paid for it).
My other issue is the few things I wouldn't mind getting (Boy Princess or Death Note Mangas & any WP related merchandise) know one (besides my parents) would ever consider getting those type of things for me b/c their "stupid & worthless" or they (my relatives) shake their heads (especially my grandmother) & based on comments I've gotten about my friends (my g-mom mentioned constantly that I should "avoid her (or whoever) she's headed for trouble" b/c I was friends w/ non-white kids &/or kids w/ issues).
I think their is a chance, though I'm not sure that at least some of my relatives would think my friends "corrupted me" if they knew I like mangas (& especially the BP b/c its yaoi). At the very least they'd be embarrassed to buy me anything (besides slinkies) that I like. But after 2-7 yrs. (no idea) of buying me slinkies they want me to suggest something new . So now I'm stuck suggesting things (which is hard to come up w/ ideas & I try to write them down whenever I come up w/ them, randomly).
Here are the questions, Weeeeee! . (I know bad grammar ) Am I a hypocrite for asking some stuff now? Also, am I heartless for not wanting stuff (Especially b/c know one in my family can show if/how much they care about someone besides by buying stuff/my mom told me this so I'd stop getting annoyed & could try to "get them" (mainly my g-mom). How can I react so that I sound appreciative (even when I usually don't want more stuff/I feel like I'm drowning after X-mas) b/c many of the gifts I've gotten (in amount or worth) have been... overwhelming & unexpected in the past. They don't get I'd be happy w/ just a shoe box (w/ or w/o shoes) (I think they find acknowledging my fixation on shoes & stuff embarrassing ) or some freakin' chocolate candy! At least I could use it! Food or stuff to stim on please if you must! Should I feel like a (insert an appropriate curse word here)?

p.s. Are you allowed to call yourself a (some form of a swearword) on this site? If not sorry. And man am I sorry the post is so long!

You are not heartless because you don't like the gifts given to you. Everyone experiences this. In fact you'll often find tips in newspapers and magazines about what to do with unwanted gifts. And there are the perennial jokes about getting underwear for Christmas from the clueless aunt...If it makes you feel better, you can rest assure that quite a few of the gifts you have given people were not well received. "Ah, peko gave me chocolate again!" "Just say thanks and throw it in to the cupboard deary".

What your mother is trying to say is that you should appreciate the fact that they think enough of you to even bother you giving gifts in the first place and you should pretend that you like them. Normally if someone puts up a fuss about how a gift is "not good enough" they are seen as spoiled, entitled brats. In the first Harry Potter book, one of the ways J.K. Rowling shows Harry's cousin as being mean and a bad person is the way he puts up a fuss about how his birthday presents aren't good enough. This is to make the reader think "What a brat! Damn I feel sorry for Harry for having to live with this guy!" Not liking the gifts is not seen as a sufficient excuse to throw a temper tantrum due to the fact that everyone gets gifts they don't like. It's not just a silly motion though. People, especially if they have gone to a lot of effort, do honestly get very hurt if you reject a gift in a nasty manner.

I don't think you are hypocritical for asking for gifts now, well at least not any more hypocritical than other people. As I said it is normal to ask for things and it is normal to not like a lot of the gifts you are given. The question is how the people you are asking will receive the requests. If you usually act rude and angry when you receive unwanted gifts, asking now will make them think even worse of you. If you've generally been polite, so people just think you are being a nice humble child who doesn't ask for much, you have no problems.

If you really want to avoid getting gifts one thing you could do is ask for gift cards so you can buy what you want yourself, such as your manga (if they ask what you bought, say "magazines" or "books" . Suggesting this may even be a relief for some of your relatives as buying gifts is one of the tasks people hate because of the strong chance the receiver will not like it. An alternative is to ask them to donate money to a charity you nominate in lieu of a physical gift. Some people do this for their weddings. If people give you gifts you don't want, thank them politely and then throw them into a cupboard somewhere. Don't bother about trying to incorporate them into your routine. This is what everyone else does...

Here are some numbers:

http://www.forbes.com/2006/12/28/get-ri ... dgift.html

57% of Americans have received a gift they don't like, according to research by eBay, so you are not alone.

Their suggestion about regifting (giving the gift to someone else) is good, but be careful to make sure that people can't tell it is a regift!

I had a discussion a few days ago about this same thing. My mom said I was ungrateful for not wanting gifts. I would prefer that rather than give gifts to me that they give them to people who need them or do want them.

It seems the opposite of selfish to tell people that you don't need gifts. And when they insist on giving them to me it bothers me, because I really don't want them.

Asking for help getting things you do need or that could help you be more comfortable at college is not like asking for gifts that would be used only for enjoyment. No, you are not being hypocritical.

Because I don't like when people offer me gifts some people have given me gift cards, and I wish they hadn't. One person even put a gift card under my door and then knocked and ran away. I spent the whole day thinking about the card and wishing she hadn't. Having a gift card makes me feel like I have to spend the gift card, and I couldn't use the exact value of the gift card, so I had to spend some money at the place the gift card was for.

No, I totally understand. XD;; Although I used to like it a lot when I was a kid. But now it's like WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS? WHERE DO I PUT IT? And it's even worse if I LIKE the thing, because it's cool looking or a neat idea or whatever, but it's totally useless. OTL;;; I don't want to get rid of it, but I can't figure out what to do with it, and I spend too much time thinking about it, LOL.;;; At least if it's something useful that I don't want or need, I can usually find a friend who does need it, which makes me feel like I've gotten some use out of it.

I think people used to give more useful stuff like food as gifts. That's what I want, too. Like a pie. Yum. But now food is practically worthless because you can buy ANYTHING ANYWHERE, so a pie is like a cheapo gift, so nobody gives it. XD;;; And people also used to give people stuff they'd been needing, (you know, you see it in old movies.. "ooh, a rolling pin, I've needed one of these forever!" Then they make the other person a pie with it, LOL. SO SIMPLE IN THOSE DAYS.) but now people buy everything they need unless it's really expensive, so there's nothing to buy people except expensive stuff. Maybe the sucky economy will change that though, at least for a couple Christmases.

But yeah, recently, my friend saw me chewing on something and actually said she'd get me a dog-type chew toy for my birthday, so I hope she remembers that. XD Because she actually would. I have cool friends like that. They buy me weird stuff, but weird stuff isn't always useful stuff. A chew toy would be great though.

The whole compulsory gift-giving ritual is silly to me. Someone spends their money getting you something you don't want and then you have to spend your money giving them something they don't want in return. All the holiday, birthday, gift stuff is pointless. Now, if you see something that a person you care about wants and you know this and get them a gift because you want to and know they would enjoy it, that's different.

I am somewhat lucky though because my family has figured out that Apple gift cards always make me happy.

I don't think you are either.

Reading that reminds me very much of me, indeed scarily of me.

I hate receiving gifts due to the sense that you have to be grateful even though you didn't ask for it.

A proper gift shouldn't need something in return.

It is also the fact that people do not get you what you want but at the same time I know people think it rude to not like it, so if my mother were to buy me something even though I say I don't need anything and can afford my own things I still have to wear it or use it just so as to not upset here.

I don't think this is the same as other people who don't like a gift, that is plain ingratitude, I think what you are desribing is something else.

I know at least with me it is not that I don't like the gift necessarily, it is the receiving of something and the feeling of debt associated with it that I don't like.

My mother and her friends who truly don't need anything give donations to each other's favorite charities.

This is just like me. I repeatedly - every single year would be no exaggeration - receive presents from relatives who have no idea what I like/could use and do not ask, that I have absolutely no use for, and am told how unkind I am because I don't want them. I could see how rejecting the gift as seemingly 'not good enough' could be hurtful, as AnnieK said, but I've said that I don't want any presents from them. But been told that's hurtful as well.

Not only do I not want to receive a useless gift that will just end up being donated to a charity shop, I don't want people to waste their money.

I don't really like getting gifts even if the gift is nice/useful. It makes me uncomfortable; I don't know why. Even though I know logically that that's not the reason why they gave it, it makes me feel as if the giver has some kind of emotional hold over me because I now owe them something back. I hate feeling indebted to other people. I would rather go without something until I can afford to buy it myself than have it given as a gift.

I suaully don't want/need anything for birthdays, holidays etc. either. This year I asked for some things that I did need (utensils, plates, mugs, etc.). I don't consider that a problem. If you're going out of th ehouse or something, it is usual that you won't have all the stuff you need and I think it's appropriate to ask for some of it from parents etc.

As for your reaction to an unwanted present, you could try to not show your disappointment. Like not throwing a tantrum or openly saying you didn't want it. It isn't like you need to pretend that it's super useful and just what you wanted. That may be socially desirabel but it's not how you are. So curb yoru anger a bit and jsut tryt o say thanks or something and then you can regift the thigns you don't need (give them to someone else).

How would they react if you asked them to donate to a charity in your name instead of giving you a gift? It's a pretty common practice. A lot of times it's also something someone puts in their will; that they want people to donate to a charity instead of sending flowers, since it's not like they'll get to enjoy the flowers anyways.

i'm sorry to hear that you've been put through so much. receiving gifts is supposed to be fun and it sounds like all the fun has been taken out of it for you. i never know what to say when people give me gifts. the best i can usually manage is a flat "thank you" which doesn't seem to be what they're hoping for. i would say that you are not heartless, nor are you a hypocrite.

"boy princess" is awesome. early on it's more shonen ai/boys-love than true yaoi (and it's just so darn cute) but i can imagine that your family might find it offensive. unfortunately being licensed in the u.s. does make it rather difficult to find online. also korean manhwas are generally harder to find online anyway as there aren't as many korean fansubbers doing manhwa. they mostly stick to translating dramas.

if you were in nyc, and didn't want to own the series, you could do like most teens here and crowd into your local barnes and noble for some quality reading. dunno if they allow that in barnes and noble outside of nyc. here going to one on a school day from 3pm-6pm can get a bit hairy as you'll like find a dozen or more teens (and adults) crouched around the graphic novel section. i can tell you i have saved a heck of a lot of money thanks to bn. (i read way too fast to make buying manga practical unless i want to collect them.)

if you're interested and are not already aware you can check out onemanga.com and mangafox.com and mangavolume.com for manga to be read online, also mangatraders.com for downloads. "boy princess" is available for dling under the name "kiss me princess."