How can I get my teens to socialize more?

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My teen daughters both have aspegers dx along with add and one with sa. They are very close, which is good, but they also do their fantasy talk, anime, etc. things together and I worry that other friends aren't included. "Beth" has a few more friends and more desire to have friends. "Emily" has friends mostly through Beth. Many weekends are spent with the two of them hanging out in their room . I've encouraged have a friend over, and they do, sometimes, with my direction. Sometimes they say they're bored so I suggest a friend over, and more often they say, no..maybe later....she's probably busy..or there's nothing to do...I can treat them to an inexpensive movie or a trip to the mall. I wish they would initiate making friends and socializing. If I didn't help them plan outings, they may not go anywhere. Beth gets called occasionally, Emily once in a blue moon. They don't like clubs at school because they're tired after school. It could be an excuse because they're nervous. They are very poor at small talk. They don't talk like the other kids about dating, gossip, fashion, college plans, etc., but if the subject is Dr.Who, anime, invader zim, etc. they will talk.

They're 16 and 17, and I want to vamp up their social activity, and advocate for themselves about their disabilities, which would be another thread.

Any thoughts? ideas?

^^ Welcome Epril. I am very sorry as I am not a parent however I do believe you are completing the correct action at the moment by simply encouraging. ^^ I believe it best that you do not force them to do so as long they are happy. ^^ I believe that I do not socalize very often and I am very happy and also did not do so very often at age 16 and 17 also and was very happy. ^^ I perhaps met with friends not very often, yet did so a small amount as it appears that your happy daughters do also.

I am very sorry if this is of little help for you.

From one extreme to another, says this AS mother topic

My NT kids worry me half to death with all their socializing. Gone with the wind!!

I wish they would stay at home, study more, read, and like it. to stay at home is torture for them.

As a parent of and as an Aspie -

Do the girls want to socialize? If so, yes, by all means set up situations in which they can do so for short period of time with a lot of structure.

If it's that YOU want them to socialize, and they have no interest, please do not push them into that kind of hell. It might make YOU feel better, but it won't do anything but make them miserable.

I'm going to have to agree. From the way you describe your daughters, they sound much like I was when I was their age (I didn't, however, know that Asperger's even existed until I was 23... as far as I, or anyone else, was concerned, I was a freak/nonconformist/social outcast/insert label here). Most of my "friends" back then weren't really much more than schoolmates that I hung out with before school (and I haven't heard much from any of them since leaving school).

Now, I did, however, make some effort to join after-school activities that were catered to my special interests (back then, I wanted to become an exchange student, so I joined AFS and multi-cultural club; my love of singing led me to join the choir, and I was also in the writer's club - where I would meet my high school sweetheart). Does their school have, say, an anime or fantasy/sci-fi club that your daughters could join? This could give them the opportunity to meet people that they can relate with, plus allow them to build on their special interests. Even if your school does not have such activities, maybe there's a bookshop or an Asian market (for example) that has activities that your girls would be interested in. My senior year, for instance, my Magic: The Gathering interest had me playing every Wednesday night at the local sci-fi/fantasy bookshop.

Don't, however, force them into doing something they might not be interested in or comfortable with. It's bad enough for anyone to be in awkward situations; for people with Asperger's, it can be extremely stressful.

Why the hell should they do that?
Because YOU want them to?
Leave them alone to make their own choices.

I'm glad you're happy and ok with not socializing much. It helps to know people can be happy and live happily without the urge to socialize. Emily had an aspergers counselor who told me Emily was fine, and not to worry, as long as Emily wasn't worried about it. It's been a few years since then and Emily has been questioning more and noticing more that she is bored once in awhile. She's said she needs a hobby. I think she is still mostly ok with not having many friends. I want her to be happy, but I also want her to have a more fulfilling life. I worry that one day she'll 'wake up" and want to have friends and not know how to get them?? She has only one friend, a boy, not relationship material (cause he's gay) and besides him no one ever calls her, and she consistently reports to me that she talks to no one in class. Hmm

Last edited by epril on 18 Aug 2009, 3:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

I have friends who tell me the same thing. I am grateful that I know they are safe, there's no arguing about curfew, etc., no drama, not asking for much money, and we spend a lot of time together that other parents don't get with their teens. I'm trying to talk to them more, trying to steer them more toward appropriate topics for their age group, like, how they feel about boys, or what they want to do if and when they go to college. It' hard but with more practice it appears less torturous than it used to be. My attitude used to be let them talk about what they want, let them like what they like, they are unique, quirkly, and cool. I have decided however that they need more practice with age appropriate topics. For ex., Emily will talk to you, but usually the subject has to be Dr. Who or whatever fantasy person she's into at the time. Other Aspies might not mind this, and adults are accommodating, but I want her to be able to talk about what other people are interested in. At least teach her how to feign interest.

Sometimes they want to and most of the time they're fine without it. They've had friends, had parties, and done activities with friends. I still usually have to help them set things up, even to the point of suggesting something because otherwise I think they'd go on forever and not have or voice the "lets have so and so over". They do enjoy friends over, and have fun. Emily often withdraws and wants to sleep or be alone when people have been here too long. When she was younger a friend would come over and she would leave the friend downstairs and go upstairs to be by herself! It's not hell when a friend is over. A lot of it is still they do what they want and their friend does some alongside them. I think Beth gets nervous and doesn't know what to do with a friend over, unless it's one she's known awhile.

I'm always trying to find something they'd like to do. Anime club, conventions, etc. Most of the time they don't want to join anything. I encourage them. They do some things outside of school. Beth is excellent at improv, drawing.

Do what? socialize or advocate??

It's wonderful they have each other. I wish I had more in comon with my sister and brothers. IF they are happy let them do what they like just keep the door open and let them know if they ever want to go out or join some group your be more then happy to make it work for them.

I'd say he was referring to socialization here. Don't take it personally; you'll find quite a few here project their feelings about their parents priorities onto those venturing to ask questions.

Quite a few AS are quite happy not socializing. And they DO need more down time than NT's do, because trying to live in the social world, which includes the day at school, is mentally and physically exhausting for them. Depending on the depths of their condition, it can be like performing in a play all day long, having to follow scripts and rules that are not in the least bit natural to you. At the end of a school day my son, for example, is really stressed and needs to decompress. Imagine if you had been in PTA meetings all day where everyone was arguing; well, every day can feel like that to someone with AS. Nothing is easy except following their own interests in a comfortable place.

All of which is good to remember as we try to help our kids acquire social tools. They have very different needs than we do, and what makes them happy is different. Does that mean we don't teach them social skills and self-advocacy? Of course not. It just means we do it within the timing they seem to dictate, and at the level they seem to desire, without stressing over how we think it ought to be. Follow the leads set by your child. Which it sounds like you do. Don't worry about the rest.

I have high functioning autism and I like having just one or two good friends. Usually if I get three friends I end up withdrawing from the relationship with one of them. But as far as your daughter's go. I understand you feeling that they need to know how to have friends if they want to, but setting up play dates for them can be overwelming and can feel like an invasion of privacy. I suggest role play with you and the two girls, so they know how to if they want to, but still respect their need for space. Ppl on the spectrum like role play and it helps alot in developing social skills. I learned alot about social skills and conversation this way and it is safe and comfortable.

My mom never really set up play dates after the age of 7...she just turned me over to the speech pathologist who taught me how to conduct conversation and role played social situations as many as she could think of. Now, I can aquire friends and hold a conversation with ppl but I choose to keep my friends to a minimum because it can be overwhelming sometimes....and that part will not go away no matter how much you do play dates and role playing. Some of the best times in my life have been spent by myself with some 4 legged friends. I love animals...they dont expect much from me but food and water and a place to go to the bathroom.

I also suggest that if there is not a anime, fanatsy group at their school that you can help your daughters start one. And let them set the rules of conduct so they have a sense of control in their lives which is important too.

best wishes to you and your daughters,

Jojo

I would caution you about the "advocate for their disabilities" part, as that could make their socialization problems even worse.

Teenagers are just as prone to shunning "disabled" people as anyone else is. Especially if the disability is "mental" in nature (due to this dichotomy of "crazy vs. ret*d" that many people assume about non-physical disabilities). People typically don't make friends by announcing their disabilities first, then explaining about the rest of their interests and hobbies.

It seems like they have the capacity for making friends, but just feel like having their alone time. A better approach would to be understanding of that, and cherish it while it lasts. Many people with children that age have to worry about their kids throwing large drinking parties and having people at the house 24/7.

The socialization will come with time. For now, focus on what they want to do in the future regarding employment and education.

good advice...I agree...the desions they and you make now...will indeed have a lasting impact.
focus on school and vocational goals.

The world out there is becoming extreemly competive for young adults and this has trippled with the ressesion. The focus needs to be on helping them find an occupational goal that suits their needs and helps them grow as well as provide for themselves in every way possible.

You have so much more to juggle as a parent of two AS teens than most parents do, and by the sounds of it....you dedicated to them and I know you will do well, but dont forget things that most parents take for granted like daily living skills, executive planning and executive functioning, time management, and of course future goals that take their talents as well as limitations into conciteration, devising stratigies to cope with sensory overload, and an emergency plan for when your girls decompensate to stop the decompensation before it affects their overall functioning.

These are the other things you have to do to prepare them for adulthood unlike NT children who seem to learn this by watching their parents. With autistic children and teens...basic life functioning has to be taught, one on one. There is so much more that needs to be done than just social skills...although that is only a part of the puzzle. An autistic adult without much social skills training but alot of life skills training can function by his or herself...but a social autistic adult without much live skills training and future planning will not be able to be able to live indepentantly

pick your battles wisely, you dont have much time

Jojo