So Weird, Can't Express Myself to a Friend Now

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Being new here, and to aspergers, still seems like a foreign notion, but I know that something is not there that should be, like maybe a memory or two.

Having in the end 2 brothers and 4 sisters spread over about 20 years me being the oldest, I'm not sure what has transpired in my sixty five years (in Dec), except if I'm looking in the mirror I think to myself that the guy looking out is not the same one looking back, but how could that be.

It is as if I am two people, yet without a mirror I am only one.

I posted here yesterday for the first time, and had dreams wake me that night, one was me trying to condemn my mother for drinking when she was carrying me, something I must have dreamed up since she became pregnant when she was sixteen, had my first brother fourteen months later. She passed away at an early age, 62, from some heart disease, but she was still drinking daily to the end. I don't know if she was natural bully or a drunk bully, but she managed to get even with me beginning at an early age. Anyway I woke up trying to get answers. Can't remember the first one, but both times I came to Wrong Planet.

It is an amazing concept this Aspergers thing.

...Deep...

(Sorry I don't have much else to say. I'm a bit dumbstruck, really.)

Welcome to Wrong Planet bobinpetaluma

Hi AJCoyne and Aimless,

I watched a YouTube by Temple Grandi, it was very interesting and she is a good speaker, I'm just trying to find resources.

It is funny how I found out about Aspergers through listening a few weeks ago on KPFA during the day coming home from work, it struck a cord instantly. That is a surprise after so many many years of feeling like the glass ceiling like it is lowering quickly and it might just squash me.

Is it a common thing to not have a memory of much? I am to wonder if my short term memory is fading also.

Needless to say that I do not have many friends or as one of my sisters says, we are estranged. She is smarter than I, I just thought that she well I don't know what I thought, guess we are estranged, my whole family estranged.

I called a friend today lives down south, and he as usual is betting football, he offered to place bets with a bookie in Utah. You pay or get paid every Tuesday. I always wondered why him and I since kindergarten have kept in contact, both did poorly in school. No apparent reason for him, I just hated school.

Ever since I started to explain to my girlfriend about Aspergers this is after I took her to see Adam last Wed, she has been real skeptical and doesn't have her curiosity up.

I'm kind of scared of upsetting that thing by self diagnosing and explaining how I feel. In Dec I will qualify for Medicare and probably Medicaid, hope to get a diagnosis then, right now my doctor when I told her I suspected Aspergers, she answered what part scares you, I didn't have the foggiest except that empathy was trying to emerge, but this was only a couple of days after hearing about it on the radio.

Next appointment I hope to be more knowledgeable and ask a few questions that she may be kind enough to answer.

Thanks you guys for your comments.

In the meantime......

In my opinion the people on this forum are up on the very latest when it comes to Asperger's and other ASD's. For instance you mentioned empathy. You might be aware of the general idea that Aspies are not capable of empathy. There has been a lot of debate about that here and more than a few think that idea is hogwash. Google Intense World Theory and see what you think. You could also use the WP search function and link to previous discussions. People outside the ASD community seem to have a limited view of what an Aspie is but you will not find that mindset here.

I guess when talking about empathy I really don't know what it is to express empathy correctly, maybe.

I dread bad news or sad news. My response just doesn't mean anything, therefore worthless, just be still and quiet, that is the best I can think of. Or maybe I would rather be safe. Maybe in a day or two I will have an adequate response but it is too late then. In fact as with other bad responses or no responses to a particular situation, a day or two day later I may have a perfectly good solution or answer.

I know I used to handle things better, but I seem to not know how, or maybe I just haven't grown, I have often thought of myself as a kid, which is very sad, and in certain situations that is how I have felt. I just don't feel like I'm 65, it is a strange thing, sometimes I may express that to people in context of hard and exacting and laborious work. Something like, I can do that because I feel like a kid, but I don't physically just in my brain am I still a kid.

Whatever it is, my life is getting to be hard to face sometimes, I am just not adequate in most situations over a limited time, at work I often can't wait to get off early, and it is like OK that is enough for today, although I could do more, I am not up to it for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. And at the same time if I manage to work past say 3 pm it seems like I begin to feel good about staying even late into the evening and sometimes I do even though it adds an hour to my commute.

I seem to be regulated by something other than desire, sometimes I am physically tired and sometimes it has been a very mental day dealing with other people and the issues they may have.

I don't know for sure, empathy is there probably, but it is elusive and not readily available when I want it, maybe there too many options in my brain.

This has become more frequent within the last few years.

Plus there is the reality of today's economy and the terrific slow down which does affect my income dramatically.

It is not getting easier.

Hello BobinPetaluma,
I was 56 when I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, so I understand your situation. I also wanted to agree with you about 'being two people'. I feel like I am the babysitter to my not so smart, emotionally ret*d, embarassing 'other self' I have had to lug around inside myself all my life. That part is my AS and the rest of me would be this wonderful woman that would be free to be 'normal' if I didn't have to lug around my internal twin that is the dummy.

Merle