Is it possible to have a girlfriend in these circumstances?

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Aspergers affects me from a focus and comprehension standpoint more so than socially. I used to have the poor social skills, too, but they improved dramatically over the last year. I went from even being afraid to go out to a public restaurant for fear that people would make fun of me or that I'd say something awkward to the waiter/waitress to now being able to have a normal conversation with a complete stranger, even an attractive woman.

So where Aspergers hits me is in the job place (which from what I read isn't all that uncommon with Aspies) and driving. I'm 25, almost 26, and don't have my license and probably never will unless I end up moving to a more desolate area where there isn't too much traffic. I live in a small city/big town and the four way intersections, narrow parking and interaction with other cars is too much for me.

With the girl I dated earlier this year, that wasn't a problem because she was non-judgmental about it and also lived 5 minutes away from me, so she didn't mind picking me up when we went out or hung out. But I lucked out, to be honest. We met on facebook, went to the same high school together. The odds that I'm going to meet a woman from my town or one of the town's over from mine is slim to none. When I meet women or see women I want to talk to, they're usually in the towns 20-30 minutes over because that's where the coffee shops/bookstores/shopping centers and things to do are at.

So how do I work around the not driving to find and keep a girlfriend? Not looking for hookups, one night stands, or flings...looking for someone I can date for a long period of time.

Btw, I know that this could "just not be my time"...but if dating the last girl is any indication, you don't just meet the right one and live happily ever after. I had a lot of rust that needed and still needs to be worked out, and I can't wait for better living conditions to work them out and more importantly have someone of the opposite sex to talk to and make love with.

Welcome to WP, therange!

I'm hardly an authority on this kind of stuff, but my general sense about people and relationships is that people don't expect you to be perfect and to have everything figured out, but ideally you will be able to recognize what your own weaknesses are and that you have some sort of plan to deal with those weaknesses. By your description it kinda sounds like you live in a decent-sized town so if there's a lot of public transportation, you could easily get away with not getting a driver's license and never have any significant problems. The problem is that if public transportation isn't great and she has a license, the more restrictions you and your life put on her, and the more cumbersome she will think of the relationship, prompting her to think a bit more about the pros and cons of the relationship. At least you acknowledge the kinds of limitations not having a license could pose on your ability to get out and meet potential girlfriends simply due to the physical logistics. Is getting a license entirely out of the question? Just like having any other life skill, having a driver's license can only be helpful in your life and could make things a lot easier for you, but of course it really depends on whether you feel capable of going through all the hoops and hurdles to get the license.

At any rate, if you were to contact a woman for a date and she asks why you don't have a license yet, don't lie, but make sure that you have something to say which indicates that you have a plan to deal with it somehow, or that it's just a temporary situation, or that there is good reason that not having a license is not a problem. As long as you exude a sense of confidence and purpose, and relay an impression that you are in control of this well thought-out decision instead of letting your fears and apprehensions control you, then most folks will find that attractive and will overlook any minor stuff like not having a license.

Hope this helps some. Good luck!

Well I think I just answered my own question...I told a woman I was going to go on a date with from a dating site that I didn't have my license and explained why (I didn't tell her about the Aspergers, but I explained how I was a hazard on the road and it wasn't laziness or anything.) She said "I'll be right back" and blocked me. This woman was also 35 minutes away from me, so that could have had something to do with it. The other thing is that 20something neurotypicals value independence. To them, it's their defining trait. So they hear "Don't drive" and to them that's one of the worst things they could hear about a person.

I think I have to re-do my approach from now on. Either date and sleep around, which doesn't require giving away personal info and you can easily get away with not having a license if it's not a serious relationship, and if I meet a girl I think it's girlfriend potential and within easy driving distance for her, then spill the life story after knowing her for a while.

That kind of brings me to something completely off-topic for all Aspies to answer. Do you find that you just aren't motivated, not due to laziness or depression, but just out of indifference? For example, I get the impression that even if I had my license and could drive, I wouldn't drive an hour or more to go somewhere or do something other than to visit family members. But for recreation or a date or job, I'd take the lesser paying job that was closer to home if it meant an easier commute.

I have an amusing tale to relate regarding women and driver's licenses. I was talking to some friends at college once when the subject of our conversation turned to whether or not I had ever been in a relationship. I said that I hadn't, and that probably women wouldn't want to date someone who didn't have a car and couldn't drive. My friend said, "That's not true, man. I'm sure driving has nothing to do with it. That's probably not very important to them."

The table we were at had some computers with Internet access, so he then did a google search for something along the lines of "Would you date a guy without a car" or "Would you date a guy who didn't drive?" We found a poll on a forum and I believe that, without exception, every woman said that they absolutely would not date a guy who didn't have a driver's license. My friend was quite shocked at this. "I had no idea it was that important," he said.

There was a woman sitting across from us and my friend decided to poll her directly. "Would you date a guy who didn't have a car and couldn't drive?" The question seemed to amuse her slightly, as if the answer must be very obvious. No, she wouldn't. Absolutely not.

This experience provided some of the motivation for me to finally get my driver's license the following summer (which was the summer of this year, actually).