What and who do you tell???

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KK, this subject has been weighing almost exclusivly on my mind since discovering AS

Who do you tell?

What do you tell them?

I havent told anyone, while it was a releif for ME to know (theres a reason for the things I do, and its not a bad or negative one), im not so certain others will see it that way.

My parents are a touchy group to tell. Im 24 and dont live with them. My dad has been a psyche nurse specializing in child and adolecent behavour for the last 12 years, geriatrics prior to that. While our converstations in the past have alluded to the fact that I may have some sort of high functioning personality disorder, Im not so certain his reactions would be favourable to my life. I know he understands what AS means, and has reccomended some of his "students" for testing in the past, however I cant really describe the difficulty in talking to a parent, who specializes in this as a proffession, about said problems. Educated or not he still approaches problems from a NT pov, and I often find it very difficult to use any advice he has given me in the past.

My mother, bless her soul, is a very very empathetic person, and would probably blame herself (which is just illogical in this case), Im pretty certain i dont want this to be the next cause of stress for her

I have 4 close friends that over the years i have come to see as family. They all know me, and accept my quirks and differences, but im not certain that they would understand what it means, or that its not a "condition" to be fixed. Ive only recently found the name for people like me, but already find alot of anxiety and frustration with the classification of this being a "disorder", a "syndrome", something to be cured or eliminated. We are exactly who we are, and the bottom line is that for every shortfall we seem to make it up in wonderful other ways.

There are only 2 of my close friends i would consider telling. One i have known for 7 years. although we used to hang out very frequently, She now lives a few hours away although we keep in close frequent contact via text messaging\email\social networking etc. I beleive she could handle such a revelation, although im not certain it could change anything, aside from being a trustworty NT willing to listen.

The other is my cousin. My biggest hangup in telling him is simply that most people not like me seem to have this problem keeping secrets. In order to resolve issues they need to discuss it with someone else. I have no doubt my telling him would lead to discussing it with his GF, one of my other friends that i dont feel comfortable telling yet, or worse my parents (through his mom).

The last issue comes with work. Telling a couple people (my assistant manager, my general manager) could help us all work together better and to more succesful ends, but it could also make them not want to try, or become unsure as to my capabilities (which have never been in question before). I would feel more comfortable telling my GM then my AM, but its a corporate structure and i dont really know it would affect my career advancement in the future.

anyone have any thoughts or warnings/goodthings to say on the topic?

This is a really tough topic. On one hand, I don't like the idea of hiding or keeping secrets. There's something very liberating about getting it all out in the open. On the other hand, there are very practical reasons for not disclosing this kind of personal information. You really have no way of knowing how others might react, and the results may not be what you wanted. I would tend to avoid telling those with whom you have a professional relationship with. As unfair (and illegal) as it is, you bosses very well may discriminate against you. It's always a good idea to keep you pro's list long and your con's list short in the workplace - especially in today's economy (not that I believe AS is indeed a con).

As a mother myself, I would advise you to tell her. It is very kind of you to try to shield her from any distress, but if she felt or knew that you keeping this from her for this reason, she would likely be even more upset. Mothers ALWAYS want to know what is going on with our kids, especially if it is something that is bothering them. You can make it easier by educating her about it and explaining that no parent could ever make their kid have AS (aside from possible genetic factors, although still not her fault). In the long run, she will likely feel honored that you came to her.

There is no right or wrong answer here. It's best to go about it in the way that makes you most comfortable. Putting a label on someone doesn't change a thing. If you're not sure yet, then you can always wait to make a decision. I have found that many people are completely clueless about AS so if you decide to tell, then you should also plan on educating them as well. Good luck!

WAIT! Wait wait wait! STOP, hold it!

Okay, look, right now you've just discovered a major explanation for your entire life. Why you are how you are. It has been eluding you for years. Right now, you are pretty giddy and probably a bit manically happy and are quite vulnerable to "Shout it to the World" syndrome.

Remember that, once told, you can never take it back. Take some time and do your best NOT to tell ANYONE for at least two months. You've lived this long without them knowing, you can live a while longer. It is quite difficult, I know, but try! After this time, you'll have a better idea of who to tell and why you're telling them.

Otherwise, try these guidelines as you unfurl your petals to the new sunrise:

1. Tell family and your lifelong (15+ year) friends.
2. DO NOT tell the employees you manage! NO NO NO!
3. MAYBE tell your immediate supervisor IF they need to know (i.e. reviews of your social performance are bad although your technical/skill performance is stellar) and IF they can be trusted to keep it to themselves.
4. Depending on your life situation, the rest is going to have to be entirely up to you. However, these initial reactions will help you determine why, who, and how to disclose.

What you have said makes much sense Vipera, thank you

I would tell anyone that I grew up with, especially if they were people that thought I was wierd. If I can find the buggers.

I think it's best to tell almost anyone if effects. There are several reasons:

1. You can give them specific tips for how to deal with you better. I think everyone should have an 'users manual'.

2. It provides an archetype. Uniqueness is a really difficult concept for most people.

3. It lets you relax a little. Other people should meet you half way. You can smile and say 'it's an aspie thing'.

At work, you should tell human resources, and work out some specifics with your supervisor for things that make a difference (whatever those are). But every one at work doesn't need to know your personal business. Tell them if you want, or be as private as you want.