Guilt from interaction

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As long as I can remember, even before the notion of Asperer's arrived, I've always had the mentality that I'm me and everyone else is the people. I was always one to observe rather than participate, because if I got involved, I would be disrupting the natural order of things.

I remember whenever I was lining up in a queue, I was constantly aware that the person behind me was going to be one or two minutes later than they would have been had I not lined up. I considered all the possible consequences, which included the person in question stepping in front of a bus that wouldn't have been there two minutes earlier.

Social interaction was never my forte, as with many Aspies, but if I was talking to someone, and somehow something I said managed to change their disposition, mood or decision then I would feel racked with guilt. I had REALLY just thrown a spanner in the works that shouldn't have been there.

I feel like an extraneous variable. Last night I went cruising with some friends of mine, and they decided to do some... less than wholesome activities involving excrement. This was so far removed from anything I had experienced in the past, and from anything I dared undertake upon myself, that I felt really alienated, so I walked away backwards and stood in the corner, staring at them. I couldn't do anything to stop them, because I'd have prevented them from doing what they normally do, and the feelings of guilt would have been too great. I decided to let them do it, and put up with it as best I could.

Later on, their activities started becoming more criminal, and I just sat there willing them to stop, because I couldn't just tell them. I didn't like what they were doing, but I didn't want to stop them myself. I wanted something or someone else to stop them, because that way it would have been natural. Anything I could have said would have been an unnatural and uninvited intrusion (from my point of view), and I couldn't have dealt with it as well as I have now dealt with their criminal activities themselves.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Do you feel as if you're an observer and anything you say is impeding on the natural order of things?

Last edited by Squidward on 19 Sep 2009, 12:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've always felt like an observer, someone who was outside the system. I'm "strictly noninterference", and would uphold my "prime directive" in virtually any situation. I'm the voice of reason and data, not the voice or authority or responsibility.

But as an asocial Aspie who had very few friends growing up, I've not been in a situation like the one you describe. And though I consider myself outside the NT social world and system, I'm still a part of the natural order of the universe. After all, not doing something is still a form of doing something.

not exactly but i had a lot of experiences very similar to what u described above
i'm very sensitive to the way my action or words touches or changes the world around me and consequently i talk very vary little and doesn't really do much
the subject u just raised here is interesting to me to the point of obsession and in some way my work also touches this complicated matters of events and space and the interrelations and interaction between them
perhaps a guiltless interaction is much more involved than what most people take it to be
meaning,u can change another person only if he or she understand that change and accept it and u r willing to accept him or her changing you in return
any way the whole subject is very fascinating to me because it is the source of most of our trouble and pain in my opinion and as such it is also the source of love
paying attention to the affect your existence take on other is very recommendable in my opinion even if it take to the point where u do not want to touch nothing and just observe because from this observations u get deeper knowledge of where and how to touch another human being or your surrounding more effectively and with less guilt

Thanks for the replies.

There are some people with whom I can have deep conversations. There are three kinds of people that figure in this. The first kind is the kind of person who is old and mature enough to not have my own views and opinions swayed, no matter how passionate I may be. I end up treating them like a diary, not like a person, however. The second kind is the kind of person who may be swayed by what I have to say, but possesses the emotional and intellectual maturity to be able to deal with it, and will not change their disposition just for me. The third kind are my own friends, or anyone who has more or less explicitly told me that I have their permission to talk and debate with them to that extent, and that it, and the resultant mood/opinion change, is welcome.

I would suggest if your "friends" plan on continuing thier criminal activities that you cease hanging out with them. If they get in trouble they will ditchout on you and all the blame will fall on you. I know this because it happened to me many times growing up. It's part of the reason why I choose friends very carefully.

I can relate to what you are saying, although I understand it differently for myself. I think it's because of a difficulty with multitasking - an inability to be simultaneously aware of both myself as an individual and myself as part of a group. When I socialise and interact, I feel like I'm losing my selfhood. I need to spend a lot of time being separate, an observer, in order to restore awareness of myself as an individual.

I've become that way. I was arrogant and domineering as a teenager. Over time, I made serious mistakes, and learned that I don't know any better than anyone else, and certainly shouldn't give advice. Oddly, I'm sometimes considered wise or mature or something simply because I often don't comment.

Yes! That's exactly how I feel almost all the time. You described it very well.

well written; I can relate to a lot of what you've written. It's taken me years to overcome most of my social anxiety and blend in somewhat.

I feel like a small cog that's been dropped randomly into a huge machine; I'm supposed to be there, but just in a different place or in a slightly different angle...

well written; I can relate to a lot of what you've written. It's taken me years to overcome most of my social anxiety and blend in somewhat.

I feel like a small cog that's been dropped randomly into a huge machine; I'm supposed to be there, but just in a different place or in a slightly different angle...